Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

Talked more tonight. Big mistake. He told me that he doesn't see us together in the future. We have too many differences. He never should've married me. He wants to stay single forever because he's not good at marriage. He knew when he posted that profile on-line that I'd find it and he didn't care. He was done in December but had some hope during Christmas. He can't think straight, needs time to think, but he's done.

I didn't lose my temper, I did cry a few tears.

No more R talk, I can't handle it.

[hope2011]

Thank you, Denver, very much for taking the time to write that list. I really do appreciate it. In response:

1. You are so right about panicking. I am.

c) I'm waiting for the ILYBNILWY line any minute. I'm getting the "you're a nice person, you deserve to be happy" line. So while he says he loves me, I'm taking it with a grain of salt. He has not said he's in love with me.

d) Yes, he has. Ok, maybe not outright. But he has outright said he doesn't want to be married to me anymore.

2. Already doing them. Haven't even in 4 days (well, haven't been able to keep it down) so losing weight shouldn't be hard. Been getting dressed, fixing myself up. I'm getting a "she's desperate now" look. He doesn't believe the changes. I know it takes time.

3. I haven't been much fun lately either.

4. You're right.

5. Already on it. Lunch date and dinner date with friends set already.

6. We have no other communal assets. Married just 2 yrs, already had everything else before marriage.

[dolphin_05]

Hope, my H said we had nothing in common anymore, that we should not have married and that he would never marry again. When I told the db coach she said, "They all say that." I remember asking, "Really?" Later on this site I realised it is script. They all seem to say the same things.

My H has also told me so many times that I've lost count that he never wants to speak to me again. We have not reconciled but he has certainly spoken to me plenty after threatening not to.

[hope2011]

We have been sleeping in the same bed. Last night when he was angry about the car he asked which one of us is moving out of the bedroom. I asked if he really meant that, he shrugged. Typical behavior for him, WAS or not.

I went to bed around 1 am last night. Barely slept. He tossed and turned. At 2:30 he got up, grabbed his laptop sitting by the bed and went upstairs to another room. He either couldn't sleep (he's had bags under his eyes for 3 days) because maybe, just maybe, his conscience is keeping him awake or he's just mad and punishing me by throwing a tantrum and stomping off to another room (common behavior for him). Either way, not happy that we might not be in the same bed anymore.

I'm not going to respond to it at all. No questions, no comments. 180 for me.

[hope2011]

Thank you, dolphin, I needed to hear that.

[hope2011]

I don't know if telling him no about the car and not reacting to him sleeping in a different bed or our R talk made a difference but H has been pleasant today, is wearing his ring (didn't yesterday) and invited me to go with him to travel to a business trip (just a 2 hr drive up and back this afternoon). I said no, that I can't today and he was fine with that and said "ok, another time". Honestly, 4 hrs in a car with him is too much for me right now, there is no way I can hold it together that long without crying, etc. It would just cause more damage. And with all my crying, DB mistakes earlier this week... I need to show I'm not clingy, I won't just drop my work to do whatever he asks. In a nice way. I did really good, I think! Except when I said "well, thank you for asking me to" and initiated a hug. But he hugged back, really hugged me. His eyes watered up too. Not trying to read into it. I know it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back with a WAS.

[hope2011]

10:00am, I got a text from him "I didn't want to wake you..though the dog probably did wake you.. love you too"

Now, I do have a glimmer of hope. Someone smack me back to reality, please? I can't afford to get my hopes up, slack on DB, start to assume things are normal, etc. Things are still really fragile.

He's still guarding his computer. Deleted his FB acct (unknown if he has a new one). I have no idea if he's thinking of moving out soon... he said something about not paying the mortgage this month. I haven't been able to hack his computer (I know, I know) so I don't know if he's active on the dating site or not. He has not given me any words that he wants to try to save the marriage. And I am too scared to bring up R talk. So I guess just keep DB'ing and see what happens and if no R talk in the next week or 2, bring it up? I'm worried he'll not pay the mortgage and we'll lose the house. He needs my income to pay all the bills. I don't know what to do about that.

[Denver_2010]

Thank you, Denver, very much for taking the time to write that list. I really do appreciate it. In response:

1. You are so right about panicking. I am.

c) I'm waiting for the ILYBNILWY line any minute. I'm getting the "you're a nice person, you deserve to be happy" line. So while he says he loves me, I'm taking it with a grain of salt. He has not said he's in love with me.

d) Yes, he has. Ok, maybe not outright. But he has outright said he doesn't want to be married to me anymore.

2. Already doing them. Haven't even in 4 days (well, haven't been able to keep it down) so losing weight shouldn't be hard. Been getting dressed, fixing myself up. I'm getting a "she's desperate now" look. He doesn't believe the changes. I know it takes time.

3. I haven't been much fun lately either.

4. You're right.

5. Already on it. Lunch date and dinner date with friends set already.

6. We have no other communal assets. Married just 2 yrs, already had everything else before marriage.

Hi Hope - How's it going?

[hope2011]

I guess ok. We spent the past few days putting up decorations in the attic and cleaning. I haven't said 1 negative thing or 1 complaint in 5 days so I'm doing good there. No R talks. He did tell me thank you for all the house stuff I've been doing.... that's a first, he usually never sees or appreciate anything I do around the house and according to his WAS brain last week, I never do anything. The toilets just magically clean themselves. So he's noticing now, which is good. I see him trying in other ways too, like thinking before he talks and making sure that I know when he's huffing and puffing, it's not at me (another first). I know he really listened when we talked this week and took it all to heart. He's always been a good listener... even when I think he's not listening. We even talked about going to the movies last night, but there was nothing playing that either of us really wanted to see.

I think if I stay on this path, we have a good shot. If I can keep my mouth shut and not complain, he won't pull away and will try harder too. If I lose my cool or complain.... he's gone. I know this. He's on the window sill, looking in, seeing it can be nice inside but he's still got a foot on the ledge and will jump at any time. I'm trying hard. But I have to admit, my ego is taking a real beating and I'm fighting all the voices in my head saying "if he loved you, he wouldn't have joined a dating site" and "if he loved you, he would've come got you in the rain" and the loudest "he messes up, he gets angry, threatens divorce and you bend over backwards to save it. That's messed up!". Ugh. I still need to work on me regardless of this marriage. I have major trust issues.

I'm reading DB, DR and also "Love and Respect" and "The Love Dare", 2 Christian books a lot like DB. The respect thing really hit me upside the head... it says that women need love, men need respect. I really haven't respected him, at all. And the 'The Love Dare" from the movie "Fireproof" is great, gives you daily assignments. Hit a wall with today's: "Ask your mate 3 things about you that they don't like". Seriously? I just got a long list the other day.... I am not ready for another list or a R talk yet so just going to continue working on the list I already have. Other than that, it's a good book too. I think all 4 work well together. In my situation anyway.

I have to say... this is all exhausting....

[sandi2]

Hi and welcome.

Your H expects his W to make him happy. According to you, that is why he left the other two. Sadly, he didn't learn that he is responsible for his own happiness.....not his W.

You live in fear that he is going to abandon you like your first H. You are living and making decision mostly out of panic. You are allowing your emotions to be in charge of your life. Easy to do when your M is falling apart.

Your M problems are serious but very fixable. First thing, you have to become your best friend, okay? Look on line about women's self-esteem. You must have good mental health before your physical health improves. You may need to go to your doctor.

There is another on-line program that helps women learn how to organize house keeping and how you can do just a little every day and stay on top of things. It's been a big help to me.

Your H has taken a hard punch to his male ego. Loosing his job and almost all of his possessions had to hurt his pride a lot. Getting M was not the best thing to do right then, but can't changed that. I have been where you sit when my H was out of work for a long time and the bills piled up and he was not motivated to do anything around the house. It is easy for the W to start losing respect when she sees that side of her H. He's defensive and she's resentful.

The fact that your H is guarding his computer is not a good sign. I had a serious EA on line with OM. I could tell you all the reasons of why, but it's not important to your stitch. What is important is that your H stops that activity before things get more involved and there's a third person in the R.

So, have you set any goals for yourself The first of the year is a good time. You can have short weekly goals and long range goals, but have those that are attainable.

I think if you show respect for your H, and do it on purpose, it will help a lot. By doing it on purpose, I mean that you may feel that he doesn't deserve it....but you do it anyway.

It is hard for a man to be angry around a woman who is bright & cherry. Did you know that? Yes, it's difficult to show a happy attitude when the other person's stinks, but if you act from a determined heart instead of emotions....you can do it.

What can you do that would cause him to want to be with you instead of on the computer