No discussion from the wife about the R today or the vacation property. Had to listen to her complain about a client who my wife thinks is deceiving and lying in nature. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "sounds like someone I know".
She is totally disgusted by this person but sees nothing wrong with her actions. I guess in her mind she is doing nothing wrong.
Anyways, looks like I survived another day.
Although Sandi raises some good points, I'm at a loss as to how the vacation property was a risky move for you IF you both had originally chosen it. Seems as if you are the one changing future plans due to your doubts, but hey, I could be wrong. Just a vibe I got that you were effectively giving her an indirect ultimatum about the OM or the vacation place your family wanted, and those ultimatums usually fail. THey often look punitive too. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Did YOU want this thing for the vacation home?
As for the EA, and ending it, despite Sad's black and white approach to it, I think your w does NOT see her "ea" at all the way you do. If it's true that it did not get physical, then yes to me and most people (I think even to you, down deep) there is a difference. I don't want a big lecture on how betrayed you feel and how it's all the same, or "morals are morals', b/c I think people are missing a huge distinction.
When I CONTEMPLATED an affair and my m was very rocky before I met OM (and that rockiness was at least partly due to my h, maybe even mostly) I sought help. I felt great confusion, pain, loneliness in the marriage but morally bound to it, and trapped in a lonely place. But I talked to a c and a chaplain and stopped myself. It did not get physical. As for talks, at that time, My h was not available for intimate discussions. Physically impossible for him then. And that is not on me, it's ON him and his career choice at the time. I am not angry about it now, but I accept it as true.
For someone to equate that inner conflict/AND resolution in favor of the marriage, with CHOOSING to commit adultery, ignoring any moral considerations, not even bothering to try to talk themselves out of it (Which your wife seems to have done with all her 2nd thoughts and doubts) and to put forethought and planning into it, and then to actually go get a room or go somewhere and implement this plan, to "do it" and then lie, and then repeat it over and over....yeah, I think there's a Huge difference.
If there's REALLY no difference to you, (you seriously don't think you'd feel worse if she'd slept with him, repeatedly, and then lied to you about it?) then you are punishing your wife for thoughts she has had...Hey, I am not judging those who have had full affairs, b/c if they are HERE on this site, they live with their own pain. But beware...
I am saying I think your wife is on the fence still,( Which I KNOW [censored] FOR YOU) but she probably does not feel she has totally fallen on one side. I mean, assuming it's a crush or EA, without the rest.
IF so, you must try very hard NOT to treat her like an adulterer b/c IF she's paying the same penalty as one who has clearly chosen and acted, won't that strike her as her being punished for something she has not actually done AND therefore, may as well do? I think it's a possibility. Just ponder it, okay?
But don't think I don't know that this is hard. I do. H being on the fence for 2 years!! about whether he was going to the tundra or staying here, with the kids asking him and him giving vague cowardly answers, and being pleasant and then irritable for no apparent reason..and MY going up there later too!! All kind of strange things. I never expected to do that. So- Be careful what you define as doormat behavior. I had to ignore a punitive neighbor who meant well. She's married to a man she punishes every time they are in public for some wrong he commited years ago. It's more important to her that she be "right" than happy.
Healthy boundaries are important. Just Make sure that's what you are talking about, and not your pride or anger. There's a fine, blurry line. It's a tough one to figure out. I feel for you. Good luck ((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
