So did you make the purchase for the get-away home that she wanted?
Instead of giving you a direct answer like you deserved, she stuck a pacifier in your mouth ("We'll talk tonight"). She had no intentions of talking (IMO) and made sure the kids were around or that she was in bed. Trust me, when women want to TALK.....nothing holds them back. That is what closed doors are for....
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I am trying to follow the MWD advice, but at some point I do feel that you cannot continue to be a doormat and let the WAW dictate all of the actions and decisions.
If you feel like a doormat then you will give off those vibes. I see more & more posts that refer to DBing as "doormat" techniques. I don't think anyone can use us like a doormat unless we allow them.
I am a little concerned about her being in such an upbeat mood when she came home......after telling you that the two of you would "talk later". She got her way. She got you to make an expensive purchase and she put you off with any explanations. Yes, she wants that get-away....but for what?
Don't make moves that make you feel badly, just try to think like "Coach"!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did not make the expensive purchase. I told her that I was not conmfortable buying the item if we were not going to be staying together.
I agree that she likely had no intention of talking. This has been her approach from day one. Not sure what insight you can provide on this, but as I stated previously, she has no issue telling the OM every thing on her mind, but I cannot get anything out of her re our relationship. What advantage is there to her by avoiding the discussion, unless it is because she is still seeing the OM and doesn't want to end either the marriage because of the kids and her relationship with him.
The feelings of being a doormat come from a willingness to do anything to keep the marriage alive, while the WAW simply stomps all over me with her lack of engagement and taking our marital issues outside of the family.
Part of me was thinking that she may want to keep the vacation property for her and the OM sometime in the future. Who knows what is going on in her head.
It has been a month since I confornted her about the EA. Do I sit back and live day to day waiting for her to decide my future, or do I pressure her into engaging the two of us in some meaningful dialogue?
Do I sit back and live day to day waiting for her to decide my future, or do I pressure her into engaging the two of us in some meaningful dialogue?
Do you "want" her to decide your future? I believe it is important for the LBH to make good decisions, and I believe you were wise to not make that purchase. You did not allow her to decide for you about that, right? That could have made an impact toward your future, but you used your wisdom. Right now, your WAW who is in an A is not making good choices and certainly does not need to influence you in pricy purchases.
My suggestion is that you do not try to get her to discuss the R and/or the future. You can decide for yourself if you want to continue to live with her while she conducts an A. But if you stay with her, then do not expect her to give attention to the MR while she's in an A with OM. It just doesn't work that way. That is why MC seldom works while there is an A going on.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the advice. This has to be the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life, waiting for my wife to end or move on with her A.
I will go with your recommendation and not try to get her to engage in any discussions about the R or the future as frustrating as this may be. At the end of the day, I want to be able to say to myself that I did everything possible to save my marriage for the benefit of my kids. At this time, I need to put their needs ahead of mine, something that I am not convinced that my wife is doing.
A few months ago she told me that she is tired of being here for everyone else except her. In her mind, I believe that she feels that the A is justified because she is now finally puttting her needs first for a change.
A few months ago she told me that she is tired of being here for everyone else except her. In her mind, I believe that she feels that the A is justified because she is now finally puttting her needs first for a change.
Ha! Almost my W's comments to a T. Man, all we can do is wait it out IF that is what is best for us. That's my choice... at least for now.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
No discussion from the wife about the R today or the vacation property. Had to listen to her complain about a client who my wife thinks is deceiving and lying in nature. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "sounds like someone I know".
She is totally disgusted by this person but sees nothing wrong with her actions. I guess in her mind she is doing nothing wrong.
Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me that there are people out there taking the time away from their own issues to lend support to mine.
Wife came home from work and was pretty upbeat. Hard to tell whether that is a good or bad sign.
Really Punchy? It's hard to tell? If she were in a bad mood, trust me, that's NOT good news. So don't see everything as a harbinger of doom or it might come into being. I'm a firm believer that if we act enough on our fears, that which we fear actually comes into being. Of course it's a good sign she's upbeat, or at worst, neutral. Come on! You know this! She was very appreciative of the dinner I made.
And, Um, that's a GOOD sign, Punch. Seriously.
I had to run out after dinner to attend a sporting event with our kids so we did not get a chance to discuss anything other than our work days. With the kids around, it is difficult to have any serious one on one discussions.
Will be heading home later this evening and she will likely be in bed when we get home. The waiting continues. Will see what tomorrow brings if anything. Will stick with the plan in the interim.
Leave it alone. If she wants to make a major purchase for a home you planned on having LATER, why push that? What are you risking by getting this thing you ordered long ago? Owning it? Okay so then what? She decides to leave you and then you have to keep it for your family/kids and self, OR you sell it possibly at a moderate loss. Or you can pressure her about what it all means and instead of letting her see the value of the future plans she's now making with you, you can force her to 2nd guess them. I KNOW you don't want to be a doormat. I get it. I just don't see the big downside on this, nor do I see it as a bad sign that she wanted to get it. I saw it as very hopeful. JMHO. More later as I'm pressed for time. Hugs!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
No discussion from the wife about the R today or the vacation property. Had to listen to her complain about a client who my wife thinks is deceiving and lying in nature. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "sounds like someone I know".
She is totally disgusted by this person but sees nothing wrong with her actions. I guess in her mind she is doing nothing wrong.
Anyways, looks like I survived another day.
Although Sandi raises some good points, I'm at a loss as to how the vacation property was a risky move for you IF you both had originally chosen it. Seems as if you are the one changing future plans due to your doubts, but hey, I could be wrong. Just a vibe I got that you were effectively giving her an indirect ultimatum about the OM or the vacation place your family wanted, and those ultimatums usually fail. THey often look punitive too. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Did YOU want this thing for the vacation home?
As for the EA, and ending it, despite Sad's black and white approach to it, I think your w does NOT see her "ea" at all the way you do. If it's true that it did not get physical, then yes to me and most people (I think even to you, down deep) there is a difference. I don't want a big lecture on how betrayed you feel and how it's all the same, or "morals are morals', b/c I think people are missing a huge distinction.
When I CONTEMPLATED an affair and my m was very rocky before I met OM (and that rockiness was at least partly due to my h, maybe even mostly) I sought help. I felt great confusion, pain, loneliness in the marriage but morally bound to it, and trapped in a lonely place. But I talked to a c and a chaplain and stopped myself. It did not get physical. As for talks, at that time, My h was not available for intimate discussions. Physically impossible for him then. And that is not on me, it's ON him and his career choice at the time. I am not angry about it now, but I accept it as true.
For someone to equate that inner conflict/AND resolution in favor of the marriage, with CHOOSING to commit adultery, ignoring any moral considerations, not even bothering to try to talk themselves out of it (Which your wife seems to have done with all her 2nd thoughts and doubts) and to put forethought and planning into it, and then to actually go get a room or go somewhere and implement this plan, to "do it" and then lie, and then repeat it over and over....yeah, I think there's a Huge difference.
If there's REALLY no difference to you, (you seriously don't think you'd feel worse if she'd slept with him, repeatedly, and then lied to you about it?) then you are punishing your wife for thoughts she has had...Hey, I am not judging those who have had full affairs, b/c if they are HERE on this site, they live with their own pain. But beware...
I am saying I think your wife is on the fence still,( Which I KNOW [censored] FOR YOU) but she probably does not feel she has totally fallen on one side. I mean, assuming it's a crush or EA, without the rest.
IF so, you must try very hard NOT to treat her like an adulterer b/c IF she's paying the same penalty as one who has clearly chosen and acted, won't that strike her as her being punished for something she has not actually done AND therefore, may as well do? I think it's a possibility. Just ponder it, okay?
But don't think I don't know that this is hard. I do. H being on the fence for 2 years!! about whether he was going to the tundra or staying here, with the kids asking him and him giving vague cowardly answers, and being pleasant and then irritable for no apparent reason..and MY going up there later too!! All kind of strange things. I never expected to do that. So- Be careful what you define as doormat behavior. I had to ignore a punitive neighbor who meant well. She's married to a man she punishes every time they are in public for some wrong he commited years ago. It's more important to her that she be "right" than happy.
Healthy boundaries are important. Just Make sure that's what you are talking about, and not your pride or anger. There's a fine, blurry line. It's a tough one to figure out. I feel for you. Good luck ((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi 25, My approach to EA's and PA's are not black and white other than to set the clear boundary that it will not be tolerated while being married. If having the expectation that my spouse is to be faithful in a monogamous relationship is too much to ask, then I really don't understand the meaning of marriage.
Once I found out my W was having an EA the only way for us to continue our married life with some form of normalcy was for her to end it. And the choice to end it was HERS.
I think we sometimes forget that there IS right and wrong.
If I am mean to my W then the expectation is to apologize and change that behavior.
If my W is having EA then the expectation is for her to apologize and change that behavior.
And if we don't then we don't have much of a marriage and have little respect for one another, JMO.
I understand that my opinion on this subject is not popular and I am OK with that.
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
