Drive The Bus, Or Be The Passenger?

[Kemper]

Journaling:

W and I went out on a date tonight. I picked her up at her condo and when I saw her I said "you have always been great at making a simple outfit look really good". It wasn't anything special, jeans and sweater, but she looked put together and beautiful.

First stop was the bowling ally and we had a great time. Light conversation, butterfly touches, smiles, and of course bowling. It was good to go out and just have fun with the two of us.

Second stop was dinner at an Irish bar. I don't remember how it happened but we got into some serious conversations before we even got our table. And no, I didn't bring it up. W started the conversation about something which leads to the following main points:

1) W brought up going to MC and I asked if she had contacted our previous MC. She said she hadn't and then also brought up Retrouvaille and stated that she didn't feel comfortable going. I asked about her reservations and she stated that she didn't want to discuss our issues in front of strangers. I said that I totally understood and thought that might have been her reservation when we discussed it previously. I let her know that I did more research (thanks Lotus). I explained the program based on how I understood it, and by the end of the conversation she changed her mind and agreed to go.

2) I asked if OM had contacted her. She said yes and I asked when. She told me that OM texted her on Monday night. That she told him again it was over. W stated that OM tried to call and she didn't answer. She said that she wanted to talk to me in person about it since I like in person conversations vs. text/email/phone. I said that I do prefer in person conversations but I am really frustrated about the situation. I reinforced that I want to know when OM contacts her and I want to know right away. I said that if OM continues to contact her that we would resort to me calling him back each time he tries to contact her. Out of the whole night this is my biggest frustration and concern.

3) We talked about her lease being up and her landlord wanting to put the condo on the market. W mentioned that she asked her landlord about going month to month vs. signing a new lease but he is not interested. Her lease is up in the middle of March so this is still a topic that we have to discuss in more detail.

4) The topic of privacy and secrets came up with respect to being in a marriage. I told her that there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage and we should have access to anything the other person uses (e.g. email, facebook, etc) because we shouldn't be afraid to have our spouse see what we say or do. W agreed and said it was that way in the beginning and she didn’t seem to have any issues with it being that way in the future. This has been a sore subject in the past because during her A she felt like she was being monitored. This of course was due to her not wanting me to find out about the A.

5) We talked about our M, the shortcomings that both of us had and how we both contributed to the downfall of the R. All in all we had some deep conversations about concerns, fears, what it would take to make it work, time to heal, my A with my job and how I escaped into my job instead of facing issues in our M and how she escaped into OM with facing issues in our M.

At one point we were talking about our reconciliation and holding hands. I looked her in the eyes and said, you are the most important person to me and that is the reason why I am here right now. W said that she hopes I understand that she is here for the same reason.

After dinner I dropped her off at her condo. We talked, hugged, and kissed. W asked if I was doing anything this weekend. We made plans for her to come to the house and stay over Friday night. We are going to cook dinner, have some wine, watch a movie and hang out alone. Hopefully we can sleep in and then go out to breakfast in the morning and just enjoy each other’s company.