Now and Zen

[zengypsy]

Hi everyone!

If this gets long, I apologize, but I really wanted to get some advice about Going Dark. I have already tried this with the initial split so it was more like twilight. It seemed to work (this was during the summer) - H had come up for one of his visits to see the dog and he mentioned that I cut off all communication with him. My response was, I'm just trying to give you the space you want. There was no response to that. After that, our communication steadily went on a decline.

Fast forward to Nov. 5, 2010. That was the last time I have seen or spoken to my H. By this time, he served me with D papers. He mentioned at this visit that when he left 12/09, it wasn't about me anymore, it was about him. I told him I was working on a letter. Not to get him back, but just an expression of who I've become thru my therapy. It was a huge breakthrough for me to finally have some puzzle pieces fit together. He expressed that he was willing to read it. I worked very hard on the letter; carefully choosing my words so it didn't seem like I was pushing, begging etc. And I didn't. I told him within the letter not only my expression of who I've become, I apologized for my part in the disintergration of our marriage, that I know his trust level isnt' there (nor is mine) but will not fight the D. That he means too much to me to end things poorly. I have also told him face to face that the door is always open and he says thank you. I never have gotten a response to the letter; I didn't expect one. At least he was willing to read it and it was his decision to do so. Since that time, we both have gone completely dark - like pitch dark.

I obviously use this time to continue to work on myself thru my tools in therapy and this wonderful, supportive forum. He's never gotten any type of C; he doesn't believe in it so he says.

I'm a little concerned about this technique. I'm afraid he thinks that I'm really not interested anymore and I am, but at the same time I am hoping he will see that my actions are now supporting my words. As I indicated in the letter, that I will let him be. My motto has been that I will move on but not give up. His has been if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it was never your to begin with.

My question regarding this technique is how effective is this for someone in my situation? Am I holding on to false hope? The D is going to happen; he is adament about that. Should I be doing something different at this juncture? I guess technically since 11/5/10, this is the first time I have really gone truly dark so it's going on almost 2 mos. On his last visit I had mentioned that I went to a fair that we used to attend in MA every year. The the questions started to role...Did you go alone? Who did you go with if you didn't go alone? I answered truthfully and said that I went with my friend Kerry. He is SO ambivalent when he comes to the house. Typical of an MLC'er I presume?

Anyway, not sure if there is an OW at this juncture. I feel there may be but from what I've read, these distractions don't last. It's a total rebound thing. How does the going dark approach work or doesn't it when there is possbily another person involved?

I look forward to some great advice. And sorry this got so long!

[zengypsy]

Any takers here?? I can really use some advice about this technique.

[hope2011]

What are your 180's?

He knows the door is open and you care - you told him that in the letter. No need to reassure him.

You know you peeked his interested when he questioned you about the fair - moving on without him. That worked. Do more! And it's good for you, too.

Now, throw that advice back in my face please! lol I cannot see or think straight in my own sitch right now.

What were you saying about dating sites? Is your H active? Mine signed up, wasn't active at my last check. Last time I hacked his e-mail and phone didn't find any proof of affair and I know where he is at all times (only because he works from home).

If your H is on a dating site and says he wants the divorce and is curious about what you're doing and hasn't given you any contact... have you thought about posting your own dating profile just so he'd see it? *THOUGHT* here... not advising you to that!!!! Get advice from the others with more experience, I don't want to give you bad advice. What does everyone else think? If it's a complete 180 for her, if she goes through here first on what she posts before she posts it and does NOT respond to other guys? May be a horrible idea... don't take my suggestion unless others think it's ok. I probably shouldn't even suggest it without more info. I know in my case, it will not work - my H would take it as a pass for him to move on.

[zengypsy]

Hope:

Since going dark, I'm not sure if I've been doing any!! If you can give me some examples, I can tell if I am or not. I need to get much better at those; at least I think I do.

Yeah, I mean he's very clear on where I stand so I totally agree- 'nuff said! But I don't want to be a doormat either ya know?

I realized that I did peak his interest after you commented. I never made the connection before! THANKS! I went to this fair in Sept. but it was mentioned on his last visit in Nov. Do you see how short-lived it was though? My feeling is he was like well, two can play at that game and that's why he's gone dark too. I could be wrong in my theory but I'm not sure.

SIGH with this on-line dating stuff. I found out that he had joined 2 sites before he moved out. 1 he joined in Oct. 2009 and we went on a cruise the following month. Nice huh? When I confronted him, he said he just was seeing what was out there; like doing research. MLC'er think they are so crafty in their thought process. Then after he moved out, a cousin of mine's XW who is on every on-line site as well (which broke up her marriage; go figure!) saw my H's profile and asked my cousin if H and I were getting a divorce. My H got wind somehow that I knew he was on all these sites and he accused me of actually cyberstalking him. I didn't even engage him. What I REALLY wanted to say is that if you didn't want certain people to see your profile on all these sites, you shouldn't have joined. It's the risk YOU decided to take. You can't blame me for your stupid decisions in the name of "research".

I couldn't tell on certain sites if he was active. I knew a few where it showed when he was on-line last. One site he joined was a Swingers site. It's the biggest on-line Swingers site on the internet. Pretty gross huh? Makes what to take a hot shower it just grosses me out so badly. That's one of the sites i have no idea if anything happend and I'd rather not know. As of now, he seems to have disabled all his accounts. Not sure if that was at the advice of his Atty, if he did it on his own, or he is involved with an OW.

I like your thought in strategy and you aren't the first person to tell me that. But I have to be honest and say that I feel SO uncomfortable putting my photo on any of those sites even if it were more for strategy then anything else. There are SO many crazy people out there in those forums from what I hear from friends and relatives who have tried them all. And the other thing is like you for the same reasons, it wouldn't work.

So like you, I remain on this rollercoaster ride. Hopefully, he will come to his senses some day. I'm just going to see how all this unfolds after the D is final. It just totally [censored] no matter which way you look at it.

So your sitch sounds complicated....how are the twins taking all this? Even if they are 15, I imagine it's still hard for them as well.

[zengypsy]

BUMP Please!

[hope2011]

Ok, let's see.... what are some 180's you can do to improve yourself (regardless of the marriage)... but that may get back to him. Or that he'll notice in court next month. Lose weight / gain weight? Get a new haircut? Get a tan? Dress differently? Join a club / gym / group? Go out more? New job? New hobby? Something he said you would never do but always wanted to? What is a 180 for you but still in your comfort zone?

I agree with you, the dating site idea isn't too hot. And yes, there are sleazy people on there. I met H on one (compatibility one, not one of those swingers one). If the D does happen for me, I will never date on-line again. People lie. Especially men. What about Facebook?

Something I did when I was DB'ing in my first marriage that worked... I had a blog. Well, it was a site (blogs weren't around then). It was my thoughts, adventures, etc. Fun photos of me doing stuff on my own or with friends. My ex visited it several times a week (I had a hidden tracker on it). He thought I was a homebody, afraid to do fun stuff so it really worked. What happened for me was by trying to appear more fun and positive and outgoing and carefree... I actually became those things. You can do the same with Facebook or a blog.

Thankfully the boys are teenagers and completely too wrapped up in themselves to notice anything. They are at their mom's until next week so haven't seen them since the bomb. H says he's not ready to tell them anything and we don't argue in front of them so for now, they don't know what's going on. Thank God.

[zengypsy]

Happy weekend Hope!

Interesting 180's! I really have to ponder that in depth - thanks for some direction!

Yes, people do lie alot on those on-line dating sites from what I hear from my single friends. It's one thing to do a fake profile on-line per se, but how to do you keep that persona going when you meet face to face? It just scares me because there are so many crazy people out there on these sites. I don't mean to generalize, but I've heard such horror stories from all my friends who've been there and done that! As far as FB goes, I have an account and I'm not on all that much anymore under the circumstances because H is on as well. I'm too tempted to spy on his page plus he goes thru phases of blocking me and unblocking me. I on the otherhand have never blocked him once (I have nothng to hide) nor have I asked any of our 120 mutual friends to unfriend him. Actually, come to think of it, I consider that somewhat of a 180!! You propose an intersting idea too to consider a blog. My only hesitation is that I try not to make places like FB a billboard; more like a window. I like that mystery vibe! But it poses a curious question to know if I did do something like that if he would check it out and how frequently.

You are right, thank God that your boys are being shielded for now. It suck no matter what age. My parents got divorced when I was 23 and I was married to my first H at the time. It was still painful in part because my dad just up and left 2 days before Xmas to be with the OW who was pregnant with his kid.

I just don't know what happens to our spouses. Do they really think that a divorce is going to bring them to Utopia? Us sane folks know the answer to that one. :-)

How was your day today?

[zengypsy]

DBMOD - can you bump this please? Thanks!

[zengypsy]

Ok, so I'm sorry to my forum friends that I have been a bit MIA. Just been busy with work and was in a bit of a funk last week as I got a paper from the court.

In any event, just wanted to run an interesting conversation I had with my BIL and SIL on Friday. I was babysitting my nephews at their house. When they came home from their outing, we just sat around for a few chatting. We were having a conversation about a friend of mine who I've known since grammar school who's been married to an alcoholic for 26 years and has reached the end of her rope as he continued to choose alcohol over this family. My BIL who will be sober 2 years this July (very proud SIL) happend to mention after this conversation that his 2 older brothers (my husband is one of the older brothers) are their fathers son. I know he was referring to the alcoholism. My SIl said you never had to worry about your H with that right? And i said actually I have. I said I think he has been drinking alot more since he decided to leave. My H is a follower so he feels he has to "keep up" when there is drinking involved. The other brother is a very conditioned social drinker so no worries there. My BIL said he agreed that H is a follower and that alcoholism is a hereditary and progressive disease. He said that my H has alot of deep rooted issues he needs to work out and I said I don't know how that's going to happen since he doesn't believe in C. I said that no matter how you slice it, I feel there is no reason why this D is s/b happening. He said well, it doesn't matter that my H is a different person now and that heneeds to find this thing (not sure what the thing is) and work thorugh this thing his own way, in his own time. I said well, I know he's going to have regrets some day and he said that yes, he will have regret. I told him that these new age books H was reading are the cause as to why he left or one of them. BIL disagreed but I didn't push as to what he thought that was. He has peeked my curiousity though and I do value his opinion, so if another oppty presents itself to ask to clarify then I will. I explained to my BIL and SIL what role the books did have in his leaving based on the evaluation of my therapist.

In any event, just wanted to see what anyone thought about this conversation. I have a theory that my BIl/SIl do not necessarily agree with tha my H is doing either but that they feel my H has to basically see that th egrass really isn't greener even if that means going thru the D and/or that my BIL knows some info and is trying to tell me something indirectly.

Please note that I do not ever discuss my H with my BIL and SIL because I don't want them to ever feel they have to choose sides or they are supporting me more than my H. After all I understand that my H is my BIL's brother and I respect that boundary. I have always been close with my BIL and SIL especially because I am their youngest sons Godmother. They said that I will always be a part of the family no matter what happens which I get teary eyes just even typing it here. And they have held true on that.

I am hoping that maybe all my changes will get back to my H from spending time with them, but I don't know how often my BIL and H speak. My guess is it isn't very much.

So.....feedback on the sitch is welcome.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

It's commendable that you do not wish your BiL or SiL to pick sides, asking him to clarify what he said to you, I do not feel is asking him to pick a side.

We could all suppose and postulate here, but only he knows what he meant.