Deju vu, but new to the online forum...round 2

[habitacker]

I don't mean to hijack this thread but, I think mj144 would also be asking this same question. MrBond, somewhere we have probably already been told this, but how do we slow down or stop this momentum of the WAS?

As for seeking legal counsel, I have not had any either. What you are saying makes sense to me. I don't think the WAS should know about it though. It believe it would set the wheels in motion for my wife, if it hasn't happened already.

[mj144]

Where is all of the advice on how to save my marriage????????

Mr Bond, I see your point. Your advice is very practical, yet I don't seem to be getting any input as to what to do other than logistical items to prepare myself for the split of assets, custody, etc. in the event of divorce.

There are thousands of people out there. Where is the help?!?!?!?!?

[InAPickle]

mj saving a marriage is different for everyone.

There is no formula; there is no 12 step program; there is no set of instructions on how to fix a broken marriage. There are things we know that generally don't work.

DBing is about where are you going from here, because there's no turning back.

You cannot control your spouse's feelings or actions or reactions or hopes or dreams or anthing else about them.

You can only control you, what you do, how you feel, what you want.

Your present marriage is obviously unacceptible to your spouse, so what do you do about it - change it.

If something pushes them further away, then stop it.

If something softens them (and you have to look really carefully for these) keep that up.

One constant peice of advice I get is do not speak or act from your emotions with your spouse. You must cotrol your decisions and do what you think is best; only you know.

That's why the advice here is sometimes vague and generalized about protecting you, because in the beginning none of us are thinking straight. We just care about each other here.

If you want to discuss a specific detailled incident, I'm sure some of the posters can weigh in. But none of us are "living" with you everyday like "The Truman Show", so take it for what it's worth.

[mj144]

Well, I'm still in a struggle about whether or not to move out. I feel that it is my best way to truly detach from her. I have already in essence paid for 2 months rent. My W is worried that now since I don't have a job, that the money is tight and since I'm going to be at the house during the day job hunting, that all I am doing is sleeping there. Well, I am getting input that I shouldn't leave. Well, if I don't leave then the W is ready to contact a lawyer and/or mediator to start divorce process which could be completed in 90 days in Colorado.

Things seemed to lighten up after we agreed for me to move out and she stop moving forward. Well, throw the wrench into the fact I am now out of work, the tension is back at an all time high, at least that's what it seems to me. W says she is just going to be herself. The increased tension, my increased anxiety over it and additional stress over looking for a job puts me in a very vulnerable position to blow up or back track around her. The last thing I want to do is not be around her, but it also seems like my best chance to GAL and detach. I can't even begin to think about her wanting me back in the shape I'm in right now.

I am still trying to get feedback as to why that is thinking the wrong way.

We had a brief talk this afternoon where I told her that I needed to do the move and I was going to do so. She is still resisting(not for the reason I'd want) She made a comment, 'you're gonna do what you're gonna do' Well, I know what that means and I can't win. I reverted a bit to old behavior by repeating myself telling her what I am/need to do to make myself better too many times as she was trying to get off the phone, so I'm sure she was annoyed about that, too.

I don't know what the right thing to do is and I can't be wishy washy with her and change my mind about moving out. I don't want to do it, but I can't figure out a better solution.

I have an appt w/ my IC this PM, so hopefully he can help center me. I just need something positive to grasp onto to give me strength. There just isn't anything.

[MrBond]

I'm not sure I'm reading the above post correctly. You're saying that your W is upset that you're out of work and she's upset that you may be wasting money spending it on somewhere else to live?

[mj144]

Roger that.

[Denver_2010]

Mj - I think that you need to do what is best for you, even if that means moving out. This Dbing is all about doing 180s, GAL, and "acting as if"... for you, that may be moving out and gaining some independence from your W. Even though she is the WAS, she is trying to control you.

I know that many on the board say that it is bad to be physically separated, but I've seen some situations on here where there was success with that. Where it made it easier to DB. And I KNOW that in my situation, W not leaving our home would NOT have resulted in anything good. There needed to be separation for both of us. Things had progressed to the point with us that nothing was going to improve with us both in the same home. Now, 6 weeks later, things aren't all that much better, but I do feel the anger lifting on her part.

That is my W and I's specific situation though. Every sitch is different. You obviously know your sitch better than anyone on this site, so use that insight on the situation and your W's mood to make a decision. But make a decision! Not for us or for your W, but for you... what is best for you???

Once you have made that choice, DB. GAL, do your 180s, get a DB coach if you need to. But you have to be decisive right now.

[mj144]

I'm outta here tomorrow.

Denver, for crying out loud, if I knew my sitch so well, I would never have been here in the first place. KWIM?

I had 6 sessions with a coach. Wasted them because I wasn't ready to really listen and do what she was suggesting. I certainly can't afford any more w/o work. I have a job interview on Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

Kinda strange that tonight might be the last time I sleep in the same bed with my W.

[mj144]

Would still love for others opinions and comments...

[MrBond]

If your W is upset that you're wasting money moving out, then why on earth would you leave? If you are that strapped for cash, then maybe you can wait till you land a job before then.

IMO you have to start living for yourself and not have your life controlled by the whims of what your W wants. My W did the exact same things yours did in the beginning. Personally, I would tell her that you felt that you can't afford to move out right now so will be staying until you find a job. It shows you're responsible and are in control of your own life.

She may not like it, but that's her problem. You'll soon learn that it doesn't matter what you do, they will find reasons to dislike or hate you. They may not be rational, but then you realize that it's THEIR problem to deal with.

The tension she feels isn't because of you. It's because she chooses to feel tension.

I mean does it make sense that she's P.O'd that you are still around and also P.O.'d that you are going to leave and cost extra money? What does she expect? You can't have one without the other.

Once I hit the realization that no matter what I did, it wouldn't make my W happy, I started to stand up for myself and in turn it softened her stance.

So what happens if you move and you haven't landed a job in the two months you're out? How are you going to pay for your second place? If at that time you choose to move back out of necessity, your W will be even more upset. Trust me it happens. Doesn't make any sense, but that's the first thing to realize. That the WAS doesn't make sense. So control the only thing you can - YOURSELF.

But that's just my .02.