Deju vu, but new to the online forum...round 2

[mj144]

Well, I'm still in a struggle about whether or not to move out. I feel that it is my best way to truly detach from her. I have already in essence paid for 2 months rent. My W is worried that now since I don't have a job, that the money is tight and since I'm going to be at the house during the day job hunting, that all I am doing is sleeping there. Well, I am getting input that I shouldn't leave. Well, if I don't leave then the W is ready to contact a lawyer and/or mediator to start divorce process which could be completed in 90 days in Colorado.

Things seemed to lighten up after we agreed for me to move out and she stop moving forward. Well, throw the wrench into the fact I am now out of work, the tension is back at an all time high, at least that's what it seems to me. W says she is just going to be herself. The increased tension, my increased anxiety over it and additional stress over looking for a job puts me in a very vulnerable position to blow up or back track around her. The last thing I want to do is not be around her, but it also seems like my best chance to GAL and detach. I can't even begin to think about her wanting me back in the shape I'm in right now.

I am still trying to get feedback as to why that is thinking the wrong way.

We had a brief talk this afternoon where I told her that I needed to do the move and I was going to do so. She is still resisting(not for the reason I'd want) She made a comment, 'you're gonna do what you're gonna do' Well, I know what that means and I can't win. I reverted a bit to old behavior by repeating myself telling her what I am/need to do to make myself better too many times as she was trying to get off the phone, so I'm sure she was annoyed about that, too.

I don't know what the right thing to do is and I can't be wishy washy with her and change my mind about moving out. I don't want to do it, but I can't figure out a better solution.

I have an appt w/ my IC this PM, so hopefully he can help center me. I just need something positive to grasp onto to give me strength. There just isn't anything.