It's not so much trying to "read" something out of her actions/words. It's more trying to get a sense of where some of these "What the hell just happened?!" moments come from with our MLC spouse(s).
Sorry dude…but bullchit…you are trying to “read” something out of her actions/words. What do hope to accomplish with “getting a sense of some of these things”? Really man – what? What I can tell you is that you have to let her go man. Let her live her life the way she want too.
The more you look at her….the less time you are looking at YOU.
So, what if she decides to change toilet paper…say she moves from Charmin to Angel Soft. Does that mean anything? What if she decides to start cooking latin food instead of asian food? What does that mean?
It could mean anything.
Mental the hardest thing for many of us to grasp is that we are not in control of what our MLCer do.
Please buddy keep the focus on YOU.
Have a happy new year.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Sorry dude…but bullchit…you are trying to “read” something out of her actions/words. What do hope to accomplish with “getting a sense of some of these things”? Really man – what? What I can tell you is that you have to let her go man. Let her live her life the way she want too.
I get detaching from all the drama. My personal take on this MLC experience, based on what I've learned/witnessed so far, is this:
There is a very fine line between detachment and compassion when dealing with someone you love, have children with, etc... who got sucked up into the mother ship, and was replaced by an alien life form who resembles your spouse in every way except for their uhhhh...grip on reality. To me, 'letting go' of her is one thing. Letting her 'live her life the way she wants too', knowing I still care about her and feel compassion for her, and also knowing the potential negative impact of her choices/decisions on our children, is a whole other matter. Just my two cents.
In any case, I have a new question. Have your spouses ever admitted their confusion to you? Yesterday I was having a conversation with my wife about some money issue. I made a simple suggestion to her about how to handle the issue. Her reply was, "I can't think very straight these days. Can you just sign me a check for [X] amount?" To me, that type of admission is very telling and significant. It's the first time in the last 1-1/2 years that she has acknowledged as much. It tells me she's struggling and confused...and she's finally becoming aware of this fact. I just hope she can fight the good fight and conquer her demons. Anyhow, I just wondered if you all have experienced something similar.
One other question. How do we [my wife and I] get to within a month where she can legally file for divorce, and she has made zero mention of it in the last six months, nor has she made any overt actions towards that end? What gives?
Have your spouses ever admitted their confusion to you?
Yes. And...
Originally Posted By: Radio
To me, that type of admission is very telling and significant. It's the first time in the last 1-1/2 years that she has acknowledged as much. It tells me she's struggling and confused...and she's finally becoming aware of this fact.
maybe.
Don't try to figure out where she is. I know you hear this a lot Radio.
And you will continue to do it. I got all sorts of indications of what "I thought" was her looking inside and "maybe" she was moving forward.
I don't want to squash this for you but having been there it can set you back if you start to put too much stock in it.
They are just words and emotions and they roll out of their mouths depending on the color of the moon.
Actions backing up those words?
Right now you are in the stage (I am sssuming by my own experience) where you are watching for any sign your W may want to come back.
Think about this: What does it look like when she does actually come back.
Or want to... What do YOU need to see in a new realtionship? Or is the old one good enough for you?
The old one is what you will get if you accept words as a basis for reconciliation.
If you accept emotional wimsy or glimpses of clarity.
Think about your goal here Radio. It is all in YOUR hands.
Your W is on her own journey. Will you let her find her way?
Maybe? Back to you someday?
You are still focused on what YOU want to happen.
When you can let that go, when you love someone enought to honor them with their own space and choices even if it is not what YOUR choice is...
you can find the peace. And understand what it means to love someone not for what you want from them in return.
Not from when they do what you expect or want them to do.
But in spite of that. When they do exactly what you don't want.
Which is harder? Which is the path most people choose?
Easier to say "f@ck off" to someone behaving badly towards you huh?
Then you walk away as someone whose love is defined by the another.
Radio you are coming to a point in this journey, and you have been here long enough to begin to understand this.
I can only share what I have learned and tell you that it takes all this pain to get there.
Keep walking forward.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
MR, Gritter is right about this. It also takes quite a while to realize that you do NOT want them to come back if they are not done. That goes for separation, OM, or divorce.
They have to go through the whole thing. Not around it, below it or above it. You get to go through your own journey too. If you stand long enough, you will understand this as you go along.
Now if you take the short route that most LBS take who don't go on their own journey, then it will be a mess if she comes back early or a mess with a new R with someone new for you.
Originally Posted By: mentalradio
[quote] Have your spouses ever admitted their confusion to you?
My W's confusion I have seen many, many times. Others have commented to me about her confusion.
She has admitted it several times and has had a look of HORROR on her face when she has realized how bad the confusion is.
For me it proves to me over and over that she is in crisis. She cannot admit crisis though because it would be too painful. That makes this FAR from over. This is the HARSH REALITY.
If this crisis were to last another year or two for my W I would not be surprised. There is much time needed for them to get through and RARELY does the MLC'r SNAP OUT OF IT.
That is precisely why you have to live life as if they are not coming back.
If you sense her moving 1 step forward and then turn on a dime and 10 steps backward, will that be a deal breaker for you? Because if it is, that is going to kill you because of your expectations and there is no room for expectations in YOUR journey.
I have seen just that scenario with my W.
From everything I have read, it has to get really bad for them before they turn it around. Then, it is a slow long road back.
I have verified this with my IC yesterday. He has seen many, many MLC's in his office. 35 years of seeing this stuff.
Originally Posted By: mentalradio
[quote] One other question. How do we [my wife and I] get to within a month where she can legally file for divorce, and she has made zero mention of it in the last six months, nor has she made any overt actions towards that end? What gives?
Consider yourself very fortunate that she has not filed if your end goal is reconciliation. I wish my W would have made zero mention of it but I got served D and BD the same day. Some have to go through divorce before they ever look within.
As long as your willing to ride this out, not mentioning divorce from you might buy you enough time in the long run. Again, figure on YEARS!!
Like Gritter says, Now you have to let her find her way and it truly is ALL IN YOUR HANDS.
They are just words and emotions and they roll out of their mouths depending on the color of the moon.
It's funny you make that comment about the moon. For the longest time I've felt that my wife goes through some of her worst cycling right before and during the full moon. What the hell do I know though? I'm no astrologist...
Quote:
Actions backing up those words?
Yeah, I have to admit. This does twist my own mind alot. Can you help me digest something? It is now literally four weeks away from when my wife can legally file for divorce...but she has made zero mention of it during the last 6 or 7 months. Hasn't even uttered the word in my presence. On the contrary, some of her 'actions' during the last few weeks definitely seem more positive than negative. But, positive in what way, i have no clue. About a month ago she approached me about enrolling our daughter in a pre-school type of exercise class. We took her to a trial class about a week or so ago. While we were there she had me fill out the enrollment forms for the class, and sign the papers as her 'husband.' In my brain I'm thinking, "What the hell just happened here?!?!?!" Then, as we were leaving the place, we walk right by a State Farm insurance office, which happens to be the office of the guy who sold us our homeowners insurance policy. As we're passing the office she points and says, "Oh look. That's the office of the guy who sold us our insurance policy for our house. Again I'm thinking, "What just happened here?!?!?! What is this 'our' of which you speak alien? You move out of our home 10 months ago. Have you forgotten?!?!"
Fast forward a week or so, and my wife calls me out of the blue to remind me that our annual CostCo membership is due for renewal, and that she doesn't want to renew it because she has no use for it, never uses it, etc... Then, she proceed to tell me that she just went to CostCo two days prior, and using company money, used our CostCo card to purchase over $2000 dollars of items for some kind of party at her work. So, now (in my brain) I'm thinking, "Okay. This feels more 'normal.' This is the alien I know and love so well. Tells me she wants to cancel our CostCo membership card, but then proceeds to use the card to buy $2000 dollars worth of stuff. Totally irrational. But, that's okay! She's an alien, and that's the new normal!" No problem. I've gotten used to this already. Anyhow, to make a long story long, I told her I'd like to think about it a few days before deciding whether or not I wanted to cancel the membership as well. A few days later I tell her that I'd like to keep the membership, and if she didn't want it that I could either pay the entire renewal fee myself, or that we could cancel the membership, and then I'd get a new individual one. She responds with, "I'll just pay you half so that we can renew together for another year." What?!?!?!?!?! I don't know what they mean, but they are certainly not the 'actions' of a woman who is about to file for divorce from her husband. Or, are they in some twisted way??
I suppose all the blabber was mostly me venting. I would like to ask for feedback on something. Is it typical for the MLC spouse to become a messy person during/throughout their crisis? There's been many times I've stopped by the apartment where she lives to pick up our daughter, and there's toys littered all over the floor, her dining table is strewn with used dishes, papers, etc... It's not like she's living in squalor or anything like that. However, in contrast to how she was before her crisis, she has definitely 'let go of things' so to speak. Is it something to do with depression???
Oh, and to add to that last paragraph. When I asked my son about the mess in the apartment, he told me that 'Mom is messy like this all the time now. The apartment is always a mess.' It's pretty sad really...
Oh, and to add to that last paragraph. When I asked my son about the mess in the apartment, he told me that 'Mom is messy like this all the time now. The apartment is always a mess.' It's pretty sad really...
Nice to see you back MR.
I have read that during the crisis they become the opposite of
what they were. My W used to be early for appointments and
picking the kids up from school or BB practice etc. Now she
runs late more often. I get calls from the coach to come pick
my son up. She also tells me she is running late for office
meetings sometimes. That would not have happened before the
crisis.
At the same time, as an LBS, I have read that the you will become
the opposite of what you were through your journey as well. I
have noticed that to a degree with myself. I am finding I do
things I would not have normally done becoming more of the norm.
As for your W filing, If you do not mention the D word to her and
sit back and watch instead, she may put it off depending on where
her feelings are at. Then when the negative feelings come back or
something is not going well in her life to blame you she then
will follow through.
You are in a good spot if there is such a thing in this mess.
It is a matter of trying to outlast the MLC and you seem to be
doing well with some of that intuition.
About the moon thing, I am not sure myself if that matters but
I have found more than a few times that when W has been nasty
and appearing to go backward that I have walked out side and
saw the moon was full. I am not going to dwell on it though.
It's a good thing we don't have as many moons as Jupiter cause
Think about this: What does it look like when she does actually come back.
Or want to... What do YOU need to see in a new realtionship? Or is the old one good enough for you?
The old one is what you will get if you accept words as a basis for reconciliation.
If you accept emotional wimsy or glimpses of clarity.
Grit buddy ... this is so well put. Actions not words ...
As LBSs we so often look for small signs and we let it distract us from our path, our journey. Make no mistake, if the WAS/MLCer makes the decision, the choice, to work on the marriage, if they decide they truly want back ... there will be no wondering, no second guessing.
So ... keep on truckin' ....
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
It's a good thing we don't have as many moons as Jupiter cause
we'd be screwed LOL.
ROFLMFAO ... oh WS, you crack me up
... and ... just as an aside ... the human body contains a lot of water, especially women's bodies ... some hypothesize the gravitational pull of the moon has an effect ... I figure it makes as much sense as anything else!!! LMAO!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
