Need advice and support to keep hope

[Denver_2010]

First some observations. Your fear is driving you. The fear of what she is doing or what she will choose.

As long as you let this emtotion rule you, you will remain stuck.

Thank you Gritter for reading about my situation. I really appreciate that as well as your thoughts. You are correct. I am driven by fear right now. I am working on detaching... not completely walking away, but in the sense that I won't be SO attached to my Ws thoughts, actions, and ability to affect my own happiness. Though whenever I do have contact with her, I lose about 2 or 3 steps in the process. It's tough.

Every time you tell her you think your M can still work you are telling her "I don't care what you want, I want what I want. And I want it right now!"

I understand. It is not validating her feelings and is pressuring? Right? What is a better response to W when she makes statement like mine did the other night:

"I just don't see how this can be fixed... how things can ever be comfortable again"

I merely responded: "i understand that you feel that way." It seems not saying anything to inject hope into her mind is almost agreeing with her. I DON"T agree with her damn*t! And I don't understand why she is giving up so easily. I know, I know, STFU.

Also I know you love your SS and want to be with him but IMO she sees your efforts as pressure on the R. Be honest with yourself and make sure you are not using SS for that purpose.

If you are stop.

Keep children out of harms way at all times would be my advice. So how you apply that takes some thinking on your part.

The situation with SS is complex. He has some emotional issues, maybe depression, maybe bipolar... but one thing is certain, is that he has a feeling of abandonment. From W when he was very young and she had to work a lot to support them and from his father who lives in Cali and very rarely saw him until I hired attorney for W to basically force him to begin seeing and contacting SS. Also, one of my W's complaints about me during M has been that I didn't spend enough time with him, didn't bond with him enough, etc. I tried, even coached his baseball team one year, but my career takes a lot of time, so it has been difficult. BUT, I do NOT want to give either him or W idea that I am abandoning him just as every one else has. I do love him and do miss him. Sincerely.

However, I'd be lying if I denied that I don't hope that my efforts will work in my favor in winning W back. So I guess Gritter, there is a little of both motivations going on here. I can't control if W thinks that I am manipulating her. Like I said, there would be a tad bit of truth there, but there is also a huge amount of true intention to do what is in SS's best interest... not to feel abandoned by me.

Your W has some complaints against you. I am sure some are valid. The ones that sting. Female friends that are not friends of the Marriage?

I am guilty here. During our R and M I always had female friends whom I did know prior to meeting W that I considered my friends. During the first few years of R, I was resistant to including W (the GF) in on the relationships. Why? I honestly don't know. Probably my stupid fear of losing my independence. As W and I's relationship progressed though, I gradually weeded most of those female friends out of my life. At least they became much less prominent in my life. But W would still see them on FB and the damage had been done early in our R. W always had trust issues with me bc I had a number of female friends who she was never allowed to get to know. My bad... big time.

And yes, I have been reconnecting with an old female friend who is going through a divorce. I have been honest with W about it. thus, W's comment to me that I have so many women in my life who she has no idea about. Not to mention the emails that she found from 5 years ago. In any case, I have never cheated on W. I guess it doesn't matter though since W does not believe me.

Find what you don't like in the mirror and kill it.

Kill it by living it, not by TELLING your W you've changed.

She will sniff out your BS changes like a drug dog at the Miami airport.

Have you noticed how she challenges you about your changes?

Your dress. The house. Your dating situation.

I truly believe that the changes I am making are for me. I have realized that during the 10 months prior to W leaving that I was going through depression. I generally was not a very fun person to be around. And my W probably took the brunt of it. I am dealing with depression by seeing IC and by generally letting go of the things that were causing the depression.

My W may be seeing my changes as BS. I agree with you that she has called me out on those things. I also agree that I've had a tendency to go over board trying to demonstrate those changes when I have contact with her. I will work on laying off of that in the future for sure. Thanks for making that so clear.

W says that I chose to leave M long before she did, I disagreed and said that I never physically left, that I never left M in my heart or my mind, that I was always proud that she was my W. I reiterated that I understand why she feels like she does, that I messed up, that I was depressed and just didn’t see it.

Lots about you up there. I lot of talking that she has heard already?

Next time....

STFU and just listen...for a change.

You are right. I'm wanting to tell her how things can be different. Actions not words, right? It's really hard practicing STFU when W simply sees things through some rewritten history and her fog. I will do better.

Thanks again Gritter. I really appreciate you, and everyone else, who takes the time to read through the problems of everyone else on this board. I hope to return the favor to someone else on this board someday.