Still on the border of Neverland

[Twink]

Journaling...

As is true for many of us, the last month has been challenging because of the holidays. I've had more hard days than usual, and have really struggled to maintain my equilibrium at times. I did manage to shut up when Ds loved their Christmas presents from H, although it was obvious to me that OW had helped with their selection. And when Ds had a major falling out, I struggled to remain calm as they each vented to me about the other while I was terrified that my family was breaking apart even further.

With no other options, older D left her pet with H while we were with younger D for Christmas, and when we returned, H delivered pet to her here. Although we'd had a long day of travel, I invited H in, mostly because of D. We sat around in front of a fire with glasses of wine and chatted amiably. Our dinner was past done, so I asked H if he would like to join us. He seemed very uncomfortable, checked his watch, but accepted. Just as I was about to serve it, he excused himself to the garage, I suspect to make a call. I have now decided to ask him to leave his cell phone in the car when he comes to my home, as I find it very disrespectful to be taking or receiving calls during the brief times he spends with his Ds and the mother of his children. I had enough of that before the B. But I digress. Dinner was terrrible, due to my fatigue and neglect, and I apologized, but I really didn't care. H was gracious, thanked me, and hugged me goodbye.

The next day I was updating our joint finances, and found a charge in OW's city two days after Christmas that should not have been on our joint card. I decided that I had to mention it, because it felt like a slap in the face and I didn't want it to happen again. It also confirmed that H had spent Christmas with OW and her daughter, leaving his mother alone, which is a whole different set of emotions for me. So I asked, at the end of an email about a few other matters, if it should have been a personal expense. H admitted that it should have been on his personal card. I responded that it wasn't much, but the reason I had asked in the beginning of this to separate our recreational expenses was to protect myself emotionally from just that sort of thing. Yes, I know that might have made him feel guilty, but it is important to me that he pay more attention to how he pays for his 'recreation."

D is now gone and I am alone again, back to my routine of walking, working and otherwise taking care of myself, the house, our finances, MIL and Ds, and dealing with my mother's estate. H appears to still be seeing OW, who lives 6 hours away. Watching him jump to make and receive calls when he is with his family, I suspect he has run away from one set of responsibilities to us only to run into another set in his R with OW. The tunnel must be very dark indeed if he can't see that. Not my problem, though, thank goodness. Still moving forward, but navigating a speed bump now and then...