Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[Denver_2010]

Hi Hope. I am fairly new to the board but have been doing my best to learn on a daily basis for the past 6 weeks or so. Here's some advice that I've been trying to apply to my situation that may be helpful for you too.

1. Don't panic - you are panicking right now. Stop it. You have a lot of positive things still going for you here. a) you are married... divorce isn't going to happen overnight; b) you still live in the same home, c) he is saying that he still loves you, d) He hasn't even said outright that he wants separation, let alone D.

2. Do your 180s - I agree with the advice above. Start getting dressed in the mornings, start exercising, lose that 15 lbs that you gained. These things will make you feel better. Do them for you! But... as a man, I can tell you, these things are bothering him right now. The flip side of that though is that he will notice your changes! Be the person who he fell in love with.

3. Stop criticizing him. You are RIGHT, he is depressed and probably doesn't even realize it. I was depressed for 10 months before my W left and it caused her to act exactly like you describe. My reaction was the same as his, i.e., to say that I was done, wanted out of M etc. If my W had gone even more out of her way than usual to show me that she loved me, supported me, and was still attracted to me my response would have been much different I think. Ultimately, I was such a miserable person to be around, that she left me. Now I am here and realizing that my depression was a major cause.

4. Stop worrying about what H is doing for now. He is going to do what he is going to do. You can't control that. You can set boundaries if you find that he is doing something that is not acceptable to you or M. There is plenty of stuff here on boundaries, and I'm not one to advise on when and how to use them. But the point is, stop worrying about his actions and focus on your's for a while.

5. You might also consider GAL. Going back to my points 2 and 4, start doing stuff for you. Start going out with friends or family. Pick up a new hobby. If he asks why you don't invite him, tell him that he is welcome to join you.

6. Stop worrying about your assets, i.e., the car, the house, the furniture. I tell you this with some expertise as I am an attorney. NOT a divorce attorney, but I have enough knowledge of it to tell you stop worrying about it FOR NOW. Most states divide marital property equally. MARITAL PROPERTY is usually anything that was obtained during the course of the marriage, except for gifts. It usually does not matter who's name something is in. But don't sign the car over in any case. That just shows H that you will do anything for him... weakness. The time for worrying about all of this though is IF D is filed. Then you get a divorce attorney to worry about it for you.

Hope that this helps and would always love a woman's perspective on my situation if you ever have the time.

Denver