Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

Oh and she gave me a perspective on the OW that I never expected but I'm trying to work with that now: based on the letter I found from 9 years ago where I very clearly stated the problems when they were in their infancy, she made this observation. She said that he and I had repressed the problems equally over the years, but that in the past year or so he could not repress them anymore. He also didn't think they could be fixed. So he lashed out at me. She said had the OW not come along, it is highly likely that our marriage would have gotten VERY ugly. Abusive, even. She said neither one of us ever had the guts to walk away until the "ultimate" happened, the affair. She said it is clear that the OW had nothing whatsoever to do with the problems he and I had. She was in high school when those problems started! That she was only the catalyst for the end, and she probably hastened the ending, but there would have been an ending or an ugly situation even without her.

You know she's right. My H never had an unkind word to say to me, but when his MLC started, and he lost it, he started to abuse alcohol and be verbally abusive to me. And I kept forgiving it. Had that level of abuse gone any worse, I can see me forgiving that too or rationalizing his actions because I was too afraid to not have him in my life.

Anyway this angle makes me think that it's a way for me to begin to stop wishing death on the OW.