Antonia - I have to be honest and say one thing...when I read your post, I think - where is the woman that responds to my posts with such strength, care and understanding? I read so much anger and pain in your post. I encourage you to listen to your OWN words of wisdom that you give others and apply to yourself. They are wonderful words of wisdom
YOU are strong YOU are capable of real understanding YOU don't need him to make you happy YOU are capable of forgiveness - it is a gift to yourself
Let go of your anger, just let it go. It is a freedom that a lot of us don't have right now, but I imagine it is wonderful not to be angry any more.
I wish I could go through the monitor and give you a big (((HUG))). You deserve happiness and only you are in control of that choice.
Choose to let go. Choose to be happy.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
TAMF you are too right on that point. I know it. A few days after my H dropped the bomb, I was on my way to my parents, my sister driving. Halfway there I got a sudden back pain. Thought I had a kidney stone. The pain was a 10. Never felt anything like that in my life. She drove me straight to the hospital. In the ER my sister tried to answer the questions for me to the triage nurse. She lost it. When she did, I grabbed her arm and I said "when you can't handle something I'll handle it for you. Don't worry." I proceeded to go into some kind of survival mode and within 2 hours my pain was gone. Ultrasound showed nothing. I had an infection in the bladder. Nothing more. I think I actually had had a panic attack that manifested in severe pain, until someone else needed me. Then I had strength in numbers.
This is why I can respond to a lot of you in a way that I can't seem to respond to myself. I don't get it. I can be an enormous source of strength for someone in need. I was that for my husband. I have trouble being that same source of strength for myself.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I have trouble being that same source of strength for myself.
You will be that source of strength Antonia when you finally start to trust yourself. It takes a lot of time and work. It ain't easy and sometimes the results that you end up with seem insurmountable...BUT, it is in this place of pain, of hurt, of anger, of fear...that you find what you really are made out of.
You will get there Antonia - I have no doubt!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Hi Antonia, Don't bother lashing out at H. If you feel doing so would be helpful write/type a response but don't send it.
You are intelligent, strong, warm and compassionate. You need to be remembered for these qualities. An alternative response will only provide justification for H on why he left.
Hey Cas, thanks for the advice. I saw my psychiatrist today and she said the same thing as you! She suggested writing things down and then tearing them up. Whether it's feelings of sadness, or anger, or disgust, whatever, write them down, read them, and then tear that into pieces. She said visually it will help to drive the point home that these things must be dealt with but then let go.
I only responded to him the following, that I deposited his check today, that I started the refinance and it would take 60 days or so, and that I packed up his video games and will put them in the shed where he can pick them up using a key I'll hide outside. I told him "let the cds go for now." I think sitting with him one on one dividing music, when so much of what we listened to had emotional connections, would be too hard, would open fresh wounds. So I am choosing to not deal with that now.
My psych. gave a bit of advice to me that I wonder if others here can use: it's the fine line between avoidance behaviors and detachment. She said it's good to detach from the spouse and to be working towards that goal, because we need to get on with our lives and not rely on even a bad connection with them to sustain us. She said until we can come to a point of emotional neutrality, where seeing them in person or talking via phone/email/text doesn't affect us one way or the other, that we should minimize contact to just essentials, essentials being legal issues or parenting issues. This is because it is counterproductive for us to keep getting sucked into conversations with them when things are as they are right now.
But another level of avoidance that she says is NOT good is when we are trying very hard to not "feel." I've been in that mode lately, where when I get sad or teary, I shut that off immediately. I distract myself so I don't cry, so it doesn't turn into full-blown sobs. And she said that is NOT good. That is actually something that impedes progress because it just pushes feelings down and they're only going to resurface down the road.
So she said to really embrace the sad moments or angry moments and meet them as "friends" and see them as moments that are a necessary part of healing. I just wanted to share that because maybe that will help some of you too :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
You can tell your psychiatrist that I let myself feel those feelings today! On and off all day I cried and even sobbed so loudly my poor dog was looking at me like a crazy woman! But I am glad I let those feelings out. I do feel it helps to let go.
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Oh and she gave me a perspective on the OW that I never expected but I'm trying to work with that now: based on the letter I found from 9 years ago where I very clearly stated the problems when they were in their infancy, she made this observation. She said that he and I had repressed the problems equally over the years, but that in the past year or so he could not repress them anymore. He also didn't think they could be fixed. So he lashed out at me. She said had the OW not come along, it is highly likely that our marriage would have gotten VERY ugly. Abusive, even. She said neither one of us ever had the guts to walk away until the "ultimate" happened, the affair. She said it is clear that the OW had nothing whatsoever to do with the problems he and I had. She was in high school when those problems started! That she was only the catalyst for the end, and she probably hastened the ending, but there would have been an ending or an ugly situation even without her.
You know she's right. My H never had an unkind word to say to me, but when his MLC started, and he lost it, he started to abuse alcohol and be verbally abusive to me. And I kept forgiving it. Had that level of abuse gone any worse, I can see me forgiving that too or rationalizing his actions because I was too afraid to not have him in my life.
Anyway this angle makes me think that it's a way for me to begin to stop wishing death on the OW.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia, thanks for sharing the information from your pyschiatrist. I think that information was really worthwhile to share as there's gems in there for us all. This is the greatest learning experience.
Antonia - your psychiatrist is on the money from my perpsective, as regards both dealing with our emotions and her take on OW.
Detachment from them on a day to day basis helps longer term emotional detachment, I believe. Avoidance is dangerous to our emotional health, although sometimes we have to blank out the pain But when we can face it I agree it is better to do so, and realise as in phsycial healing the pain is telling us something.
