Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

I'm not new to DB but new to DB with this marriage. I DB'd in my 1st marriage for 2 yrs. Didn't save the marriage but it saved me.

The bomb dropped a few months ago, thought we were doing better. Bomb dropped again a few days ago. I am doing everything wrong. I am pathetic, needy, clingy, no confidence at all. I can't get my act together and I need to before this talk. I need some support without judgement. Need some friends who understand why I want to try to save it and not tell me I'm better off without him or other cliches. But most of all, I gotta get me back without causing more damage to the situation.

History:

Me - LBS, wife. 2nd marriage (1st 10 yrs), no kids, age 37. 1st H left me for OW. 2 other 2 yr relationships in the 8 yrs between marriages. I have major trust issues.

H - WAS. 3rd marriage (1st 8 yrs, 2nd 6 yrs), 2 teenagers, age 43. He left both his ex W's because he wasn't happy. Yes, I know I should've seen the big neon sign there.

Dated 1 and a half years, it was amazing, perfect. Best friends, happy, in love, supportive of each other.

M - 2008. Been a roller coaster the whole time. one thing after another hit and we handled it all badly.

Right after we met, he lost his job of 12 years making a very large salary with all the perks. He was out of work for 2 years, during which time he lost all his savings, his retirement, his car and almost his house. He has gone back 20 years in his career. He's in mortgage sales... need I say more? We got married when he was still unemployed. We had a "we'll tackle life together" attitude. That didn't last long.

In our first 2 years so far, he's on job #3 making 10% of what he used to. We've moved twice. We've dealt with teenager issues (attitudes, laziness, etc - typical stuff. We get along well). We each have had cancer scares. He's seen almost everything he worked for gone down the drain. We're keeping the house by a thread but that could go too.

He does not handle stress well at all. He keeps it all in, then explodes. He's not violent, just loud. Will yell at me or the kids over something stupid, when he's really just stressed. And I don't handle that well at all. I snap, get defensive, yell back. It escalates. I know this. I KNOW this. But I keep doing it. I'm so scared he'll hurt me, leave me. This is a bad dynamic. Our other big problem is if he does something wrong and I want to talk about it, he blows up. He can't handle criticism at all, he gets defensive. I'm the same way.

Bomb #1 - early December. Says he's not happy. I try harder. I find a lump in my breast, have extensive testing. He holds my hand through it all. We spend Christmas together, we sleep together, we have sex. I think everything is going better.

The bomb - Saturday I went to a wedding alone, after he fell asleep on New Year's Eve so I was alone then too. On my way home saturday night in the pouring rain and fog, the windshield wipers stop working. 7:00. I call him for help but by now I'm already angry and upset. He doesn't offer to come get me, tells me to keep driving or find a hotel. 11:00 he calls me. I made it to a hotel room. Took 45 minutes to drive 8 miles to the nearest hotel room. I was so upset I just txt him that I was fine and didn't need his help. Yes, passive agressive. He calls me at 8:00 am, to find out where I am. Comes to get me. We go get some breakfast, I ask him why he didn't come get me last night, he says he thought I was ok. Gets mad, walks out the restaurant, tells me in the parking lot it's over. Nothing will change. He's not happy. Later Sunday I find out he signed up for a dating site in early December at time of Bomb #1. Uploaded photos of him cropped out of photos of us. I'm devastated. When I ask him about the dating site, he says he signed up in December and hasn't been back on (true, I checked). That he wasn't happy and wants to see what else is out there.

That was a few days ago. It's been tense around here. He now says he's not sure what he wants. He wasn't wearing his ring yesterday, I asked him why. He said he took it off to work out and he put it back on. What I've learned over the past few days:

His reasons.... my job is my life (it's not, though it takes a lot of hrs but I've been working hard at finding help). It's taken over the house (I've been looking for an office for months). The house is a mess (it's not by anyone's standards, he's OCD). I'm now a slob because I wear sweats most days. I do. He's right. I've gained a good 15lbs since we got married, I wear my hair in a ponytail most days, I don't wear make up, I stopped working out. I'm not attractive anymore to him. We fight a lot. We do. But it's all fixable stuff. And I can't do it alone. He can't do stupid stuff like not pick me up when the car is undrivable and not expect me to get mad. Though I know that escalation is my fault. Then to balance it out when he's wrong, he threatens divorce so I'm too upset to get mad. That's emotional blackmail and not fair. He's negative about everything, everything. Us, the house, jobs, family, friends, everything. He's depressed but he won't get help, won't see a therapist, won't go to a doctor. Just wants to run.

This dating site thing... now he's cut me off his FB. I hacked his computer, I know he hasn't been on the dating site since he signed up. I know he's not talking to anyone else because I checked his phone and e-mails. I know he's not physically cheated because he's here all the time. But it's crushed me. I'm reliving the XH leaving me all over again. I can't sleep, when I do I have cold sweats, I haven't eaten in 3 days, when I tried to eat dinner with him last night I had to run to the restroom and throw up.

I feel like I have all this pressure to be some confident superwoman, gorgeous and sexy, with a spotless house, lots of money to fix all those problems and rebuild his self esteem too. But I'm not. I have no self-esteem right now, I find myself just standing near him hoping he'll tell me it's all a bad dream, I'm a pathetic little puppy and I hate myself for being like that. Why would anyone want someone like that?

And I find myself making excuses for him, then unsure if they're real or my desperation grasping at straws. Like, telling myself it's just stress and work. That he's just trying to run from everything and I'm collateral damage but if I can just make him see he's not alone. But no. When he messes up, I am bitch from hell. Who wants to be married to that?

And I know better! I went through all this before with the XH. I know I'm supposed to do a 180, be confident, not blow up, show him things will change, show him there is hope for happiness. Change me and focus on me for the better so I can survive and be happy no matter the outcome. I know this! But I keep blowing up or crying.

I need to save this... for me. I need some control back. I need to know I gave it 100% and didn't just screw up my marriage. I need to get my ducks in a row. I need to find me. If he tells me tonight he's leaving me, I don't know how I won't be a blubbering mess.

I need to save this... because I love him. Because I still believe in us, in him. Because once upon a time, we were the happiest I've ever been in my life. He was too. That's worth fighting for.

I'm praying non-stop. I just want this fixed, I want the man I fell in love with, I don't want to lose him and the boys, I want this pain to stop, I want my life back. I want me back. I know you all understand.