Running out of time

[Goodfight]

But A, I made the same mistakes in the past as you did. We were together a year ago in Nov. and I got all excited not knowing if H was going through MLC or it was just his depression from not taking his meds, so I pushed also.

I didn't learn my lesson then either cause in March when we were together and ML H said about dating to see if it would work out I texted him the next day and asked what days were good for him cause he mentioned Sundays weren't good days for him cause of his work schedule being changed. I got the text back saying I don't think it is a good idea and I just kept asking why etc. So I know the mistakes I've made too, you aren't the only one.

That's why even though it's killing me I'm waiting and praying he will contact me since he was so lonely the last 2 Christmases and maybe we can spend some time together. But then I think maybe both of his families are mad at him and that's why he isn't contacting me. They are pushing the D and have been for the last 2 years, so I'm sure H is very confused.

He told me he didn't know what he wanted and couldn't decide but I know he is getting pressure from them. He didn't pursue the divorce until he got angry when he dropped me from his benefits and I went for spousal. The following day back in Nov. is when he was so angry because of this and his lawyer telling him he needed to proceed or he will have to pay spousal for a long time he started to proceed with it.

When H gets mad, he doesn't stop and think first. He just does, and he has always been like that and then regrets what he did.

[Goodfight]

Snodderly and A, now do you understand why I got my hopes up? Everything H said would never happen is happening. He told me he would never step a foot in our home again, ask me out, or contact me again.

I really thought H was getting somewhere because he regrets proceeding with D and started to panic and started to be really nice to me and wanting to be with me. He even told me that he didn't realize about D in Nov. because he was so angry and thought it would still take a while to go through and that if he changed his mind he could stop or put it on hold.

My lawyer did say that he could have his lawyer write a letter to mine stating that he would like to put it on hold and that would be fine but he needs to do it before I spend anymore money on my lawyer for him to type up the proposal etc. and turn it into H's lawyer. H really thinks that it is only a meeting on the 15th but it's not. He always had learning problems. That's the date his lawyer gave to my lawyer to have a proposal in by or she was going to get a Master involved and my lawyer knows that I can't afford that. H's lawyer has no back ground on H at all like his previous lawyer did, as far as his depression and other things. She got rid of H because of the lies he was telling her. So he had to get a new one for the hearing that we had in Nov.

Sorry for going on and on and I do understand what you two girls are saying and what everyone on this board is saying but I can't help but hope, wish, and pray that this will be stopped and we can reconcile. I'm also doing the same for Christmas. I don't think H will contact me but I'm praying that he will, and I know God can make that happen and I hope he does.

Thanks for being here for me. And I hope you can understand my feelings. I will not contact him unless it gets down to the day I have to have the proposal ready, so H understands what is going on but it is bothering me. Even yesterday I got an email from verizon which I get all of the time if I make a change or something to my account so I almost didn't open it and here it was H's account.

I know he doesn't have the internet anymore, but why he gave them my email and not his sister's or anyone in his family doesn't make sense. I called them and they said he made a purchase and gave them my email as a way of contact but couldn't tell me what he purchased because I'm not authorized on his account. That's another reason why I wanted to contact him. I don't know if he did it so I would contact him or what. Totally crazy. UGH!!!

[job]

Please go over on Punkin's thread and read what I posted there yesterday. My xh continues to have his mail sent to me all of the time...it's habit. Don't read too much into the verizon bill coming to you. You are looking for signs and I'm afraid your expectation level is up and over the top. Bring it back down to zero or you may be very disappointed if things do not go the way that you think they may.

I'm sorry that I'm not more positive, but I do not want to see you get hurt. If he does a complete 180 in the next couple of weeks, I'll be the first to admit I was wrong.

Focus on what you can control and what you can do for yourself. Leave your h out there under God's wing.

[Augtan]

GF, I totally understand why and how you are looking at everything he does as some kind of sign he is coming out of the tunnel. I have done the same thing for months~but it does you no good mentally, when he is out, he will be out and you will know it and it will be completely different, not short-lived and not you grasping at straws.

I have had a horrible few days...XH is here and it is really bad. I screwed up Christmas Eve by drinking too much wine and going off on him about a bunch of things, he left and went to a hotel, I begged him to come back for Christmas morning with the kids (he did and left again), apologized and apologized and he wouldn't accept it and is being so mean and awful to me. He has done a million more things to me and the kids and I have forgiven him, so now I am just over it, and if he wants to be like that it is his problem, I am dark. We took the kids to the movies yesterday, I had one kid, he had the other two and we met there, sat across the theater, no contact or words at all. Then, I went to meet my friends, he took the kids and we ended up at the same place, he rolled his eyes and wanted to leave when he saw me, but the kids made him stay, one ended up sitting me with and the other two ended up with us too cause XH was constantly on his phone on facebook or texting or whatever, they can't stand to be around him for long. It is a so sad.

He told me he would never set foot in my house again, that we would never ML again, that it was just sex (not at all true, but he wants to think that), and that he will never come back to me because of my anger...MY ANGER..really?? These people are sooo messed up it is ridiculous!! He wants the boudries to be what he wants them to be at that time and then change them to how he feels the next time and again the next time, I just can't do that anymore and neither should you...I am setting the boundries this time and they are going to stick, if he wants them changed they will be on my terms not his.

I am sorry if I hijacked this for a minute, but we have a lot in common and I had to vent to someone who knows. I am taking Snodderly's advice and leaving XH out there to be under God's wing, although he doesn't believe in God...so...which is interesting cause he posted this on his facebook "Pauses to thank the angels who have brought many blessings. I hope all of my friends and family are touched with the Christmas Spirit" LOL!! Really..he has no family, very few "real" friends, doesn't believe in God, no job, no real home, kids who can't stand him. That is what I mean about being nuts...he has no concept about reality at all. Let us know how your holiday went and I hope you are doing okay!! Sending you hugs!!

A

[Goodfight]

Antonia,
You are so right. I'm a mess all over again. The worry does get the best of you. I guess I was always hoping that we would reconcile since H never made a move with the D until he dropped me from his benefits and I had no choice but to file for spousal.

I can't afford the benefits and he claimed he couldn't either, so the day after he found out he proceeded to move on with the D. I really had myself fooled. I know H and when he found out that spousal would be the same amount as if he was paying my benefits he was angry.

I'm sure his new lawyer also told him (cause he wouldn't know on his own), that if he proceeded with the D that he wouldn't have to pay for my benefits or spousal once it was final. So the following day is when he did it.

It hurts so much. I'm having such a terrible time again. I just want all of this pain to go away. I keep praying and praying.

But everyone on here was right. On Christmas day our D14 came downstairs and asked me if I would take her half way to meet H so she could go with him. I told her no that I was waiting for my niece, so she called H back and told him that I couldn't drive her. She said to me when she hung up that H sounded sad and could I please take her so he isn't sad on Christmas or mad that he had to drive the whole way.

I gave in for D14, and told her to call him back and I will leave a note for my niece. It was only an extra 5 minutes further for H. I didn't get it then, and I still don't get it. Anyway, I was so angry that he didn't call or anything since the Saturday before Christmas when we went out, I pulled up further from H's car, D14 got out, and I made sure I didn't even look at H and D14 was in his car and I flew out of there like a nut. I know, not good DBusting at all. I was just so hurt and angry cause just a week before this H is complaining about being alone on Christmas for the last 2 and he couldn't even call or anything.

Talk about being alone....D goes with him every holiday in the afternoon and S20 goes to his girlfriend's house. So there I sit for every single holiday, by myself. I don't let the kids or H know that, but it really stinks.

H has no clue to what alone is, he has his family that I always considered mine and they want nothing to do with me at all. They also blame me I guess for H's depression. I know he has told them lies about me. And now that he is talking to his mother's family after not speaking to them for 12 years he has a lot of family because of his parents being divorced and remarried. He didn't talk to his mother's family as far as the mother and siblings because he over heard his mother and sister having a fit that he wanted to adopt my son when he was only 4.

Now since the MLC he is blaming me for that too. Well, he did last year. He said it was me that pushed him to end his relationship with his mother and siblings and I told him I will not take the blame for that at all. I never said a word about it, he's the one that went running out of the house, and up the road to her house and told her off when he heard her over the scanner talking to SIL. And to think this side is the one that kept pushing and pushing for me to marry H.

On the FIL's side.....H wasn't speaking to them when we first got married and had our daughter. Then when he had it out with his mother he made up with his father. So for 12 years I had them as my family, I never ever thought they would treat me and the kids the way they have been. They don't even call or anything. They don't even call the kids. D14 called on Mother's Day and wished H's step-mother a Happy Mother's Day from all of us and she never returned the call.

That was the last time any of us tried contacting them. But I go to H's house when I made the big mistake and there are pictures of FIL and H's sons from a high school relationship with H and MIL all over the place. I know they were mad when they held H in contempt of court for drinking and driving with D14 in the car, not attending her counseling sessions, and not following the visitations. Her counselor was very concerned about D14 being depressed and reported it to the courts and I honestly think H's step-mother blamed me for all of it. I got a look that would kill. I didn't even know H was drinking and driving. D14 never told me, I was so upset when I found out. Anyway, that is what H does now....drinks and drinks and drinks. But I'm the bad guy.

Sorry for venting but I started to get everything ready today for the lawyer and I'm so depressed and upset. Not only did I lose H but family too. A lot of people on this board have their in-laws or at least the in-laws know that the MLC'r is not the right one.

Anyway, like I said before everyone on here was right. I texted H and sent a voice mail cause D14 said he wasn't receiving her texts and that there was something wrong with his phone. I just stated that we need to get together even if it was in public to discuss what my lawyer had told me and things we needed to get together. I know for a fact he got the voice mail message and I never heard back from him at all.

Then on the 28th my S20 tells me that he called H and they made up, H has not bothered with S20 for the last year and a half. And H told him that it's a shame that it took lawyers to get involved for everyone to be sorry. Anyway, S20 tells me that H sounded so confused and sad. I just said I was glad they made amends and I hope they still could have a relationship some day. He said H asked "how's your mom?" S20 just said "good". (Nice real nice) S20 keeps saying that he wants to come home but doesn't know how to......cause of the lies he told his family and he doesn't want to lose them and he could tell that H misses us. S20 said that H is just very confused probably because both of his families as S20 would put it is telling H to get D'd and get it over with and he realizes he messed up big time. Oh, how I wish S20 was right.

Anyway, there is my update. Made a fool out of myself again. I have to be honest everyone, I just wish it wasn't coming to this.....I feel like it is really the end with the D going on. I guess H will go through with it....heck he doesn't want to look like a fool either in front of his family. He has made no attempts to call me or anything.

Snodderly, I read the post on Punkin's thread and I see what you are saying. I just feel like the biggest jerk and fool right now thinking that I could have saved this M on my own.

This is the man that pursued me for 14 years before being M after being M and now I guess he hates me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I feel so bad for S20, he has learning problems big time and claims he knows how H feels. Cause he had tried to commit suicide 9 months after H left. But I don't think S20 has a clue to what H is going through and just wants us back together.

[Goodfight]

A, don't worry about hi-jacking. I know exactly how you feel. They get to have all the control. Well, when H didn't text or call me back I decided the next time if there is a next time he calls or texts he will not get me. He can leave a message whatever.

No matter how much I want to talk to him I won't do it until he sits and waits, like I do. I should have known better but it didn't hit me until now. When H called me in Oct. about him saying his benefits are going way up and he couldn't afford to keep me on, I told him that instead of going through the courts we could work something out and he never said anything. I texted him back then too and told him I didn't want to go through the courts and asked him to get in touch with me so we could work something out, but I don't know if he thought I was joking and was just going to let him get away with it or what.

[Goodfight]

Sorry everyone. Forgot to put in the most important part, because I'm so nervous today and kept babbling on and on. H called when I flew out of the place I parked to drop D14 off and asked me what was wrong. I just said H I don't want to fight just forget it. He kept it up so I go and tell him that it was because he told me he would call the next day (Sunday) after we went out and it was almost a week and he never called. He goes on to say that I don't understand and I asked what don't I understand. He says he's just very busy (BIG LIE). D14 tells me all he does is either sit at his place and drinks and watches t.v. or they go to his sister's and drinks with them and watches t.v.

Boy, I wish we could get into their heads and know what they are really thinking or going through. If he would just tell the truth.....I would listen. H was always like that he would hold things in when he was depressed and I would ask him what was wrong and he would just say nothing.

I look back now and wonder if not only by stop taking his meds for his depression threw him into a MLC but also that his father told him 6 months prior to his leaving that his mother tried to abort him. I don't know how a parent could ever tell a child that no matter how old they are, and what child would want something to do with a mother that would try to do that and plus she gave him to his father when he was around 6 years old.

Just thinking out loud.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Good,

The MLCer is going to lie. Period.
If they say they are going to call, be pleasantly surprised if they do, but to hang your hopes on them calling is a great way to get upset with them.

Your feeding your own...spiral downward by putting faith in his words right now.

[Goodfight]

You've got that right Jack. Cause after he called to find out what was wrong with me on Christmas and why I flew out of there he said he had to go cause he was at his brother's and I said joking around ya, you better so you don't get in trouble and he said I know, cause they don't like you and he said it jokingly and then said I will call tomorrow and I said I won't hold my breathe.....laughing while I said it but I meant it.

And nothing since.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

But it DID bother you Good at least that is what I am reading.