Antonia, You are so right. I'm a mess all over again. The worry does get the best of you. I guess I was always hoping that we would reconcile since H never made a move with the D until he dropped me from his benefits and I had no choice but to file for spousal.
I can't afford the benefits and he claimed he couldn't either, so the day after he found out he proceeded to move on with the D. I really had myself fooled. I know H and when he found out that spousal would be the same amount as if he was paying my benefits he was angry.
I'm sure his new lawyer also told him (cause he wouldn't know on his own), that if he proceeded with the D that he wouldn't have to pay for my benefits or spousal once it was final. So the following day is when he did it.
It hurts so much. I'm having such a terrible time again. I just want all of this pain to go away. I keep praying and praying.
But everyone on here was right. On Christmas day our D14 came downstairs and asked me if I would take her half way to meet H so she could go with him. I told her no that I was waiting for my niece, so she called H back and told him that I couldn't drive her. She said to me when she hung up that H sounded sad and could I please take her so he isn't sad on Christmas or mad that he had to drive the whole way.
I gave in for D14, and told her to call him back and I will leave a note for my niece. It was only an extra 5 minutes further for H. I didn't get it then, and I still don't get it. Anyway, I was so angry that he didn't call or anything since the Saturday before Christmas when we went out, I pulled up further from H's car, D14 got out, and I made sure I didn't even look at H and D14 was in his car and I flew out of there like a nut. I know, not good DBusting at all. I was just so hurt and angry cause just a week before this H is complaining about being alone on Christmas for the last 2 and he couldn't even call or anything.
Talk about being alone....D goes with him every holiday in the afternoon and S20 goes to his girlfriend's house. So there I sit for every single holiday, by myself. I don't let the kids or H know that, but it really stinks.
H has no clue to what alone is, he has his family that I always considered mine and they want nothing to do with me at all. They also blame me I guess for H's depression. I know he has told them lies about me. And now that he is talking to his mother's family after not speaking to them for 12 years he has a lot of family because of his parents being divorced and remarried. He didn't talk to his mother's family as far as the mother and siblings because he over heard his mother and sister having a fit that he wanted to adopt my son when he was only 4.
Now since the MLC he is blaming me for that too. Well, he did last year. He said it was me that pushed him to end his relationship with his mother and siblings and I told him I will not take the blame for that at all. I never said a word about it, he's the one that went running out of the house, and up the road to her house and told her off when he heard her over the scanner talking to SIL. And to think this side is the one that kept pushing and pushing for me to marry H.
On the FIL's side.....H wasn't speaking to them when we first got married and had our daughter. Then when he had it out with his mother he made up with his father. So for 12 years I had them as my family, I never ever thought they would treat me and the kids the way they have been. They don't even call or anything. They don't even call the kids. D14 called on Mother's Day and wished H's step-mother a Happy Mother's Day from all of us and she never returned the call.
That was the last time any of us tried contacting them. But I go to H's house when I made the big mistake and there are pictures of FIL and H's sons from a high school relationship with H and MIL all over the place. I know they were mad when they held H in contempt of court for drinking and driving with D14 in the car, not attending her counseling sessions, and not following the visitations. Her counselor was very concerned about D14 being depressed and reported it to the courts and I honestly think H's step-mother blamed me for all of it. I got a look that would kill. I didn't even know H was drinking and driving. D14 never told me, I was so upset when I found out. Anyway, that is what H does now....drinks and drinks and drinks. But I'm the bad guy.
Sorry for venting but I started to get everything ready today for the lawyer and I'm so depressed and upset. Not only did I lose H but family too. A lot of people on this board have their in-laws or at least the in-laws know that the MLC'r is not the right one.
Anyway, like I said before everyone on here was right. I texted H and sent a voice mail cause D14 said he wasn't receiving her texts and that there was something wrong with his phone. I just stated that we need to get together even if it was in public to discuss what my lawyer had told me and things we needed to get together. I know for a fact he got the voice mail message and I never heard back from him at all.
Then on the 28th my S20 tells me that he called H and they made up, H has not bothered with S20 for the last year and a half. And H told him that it's a shame that it took lawyers to get involved for everyone to be sorry. Anyway, S20 tells me that H sounded so confused and sad. I just said I was glad they made amends and I hope they still could have a relationship some day. He said H asked "how's your mom?" S20 just said "good". (Nice real nice) S20 keeps saying that he wants to come home but doesn't know how to......cause of the lies he told his family and he doesn't want to lose them and he could tell that H misses us. S20 said that H is just very confused probably because both of his families as S20 would put it is telling H to get D'd and get it over with and he realizes he messed up big time. Oh, how I wish S20 was right.
Anyway, there is my update. Made a fool out of myself again. I have to be honest everyone, I just wish it wasn't coming to this.....I feel like it is really the end with the D going on. I guess H will go through with it....heck he doesn't want to look like a fool either in front of his family. He has made no attempts to call me or anything.
Snodderly, I read the post on Punkin's thread and I see what you are saying. I just feel like the biggest jerk and fool right now thinking that I could have saved this M on my own.
This is the man that pursued me for 14 years before being M after being M and now I guess he hates me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
I feel so bad for S20, he has learning problems big time and claims he knows how H feels. Cause he had tried to commit suicide 9 months after H left. But I don't think S20 has a clue to what H is going through and just wants us back together.
