Need advice and support to keep hope

[zengypsy]

Jack3Beans, I really appreciate your posts, and your C.S. Lewis quote.

Zengypsy, how do you handle the lack of contact? It seems to me there is no way to build/ rebuild a relationship without seeing each other/ talking to each other at least SOME, and that's what scares me most about my husband's detachment, which I'd call "relieved" more than "loving" (although I could never accuse him of treating me with anything but kindness).

I'm curious if people really believe the claims about affairs always ending. I did Mort Fertel's program before this and he asked "if the OM/OW really is the love of your spouse's life, why don't we all know stories of people who are happily married that started with an affair?" and I started thinking about it, and first came up with my cousin Lori, who started seeing her husband when he was separated from his wife, and they have been happily married for some 20 years. Brangelina? I have no idea how happy their relationship is - what can you know really from the tabloids - but Brad has stayed with Angelina longer than he was with Jennifer. And I just read Mighty Queens of Freeville (best divorce survival story I've ever read) and the author's husband had an affair that turned into his second marriage and lasted at least until their child together started college 17 years later. I'm not only not reassured by the idea that my husband's new relationships can't work out "because they're founded on dishonesty," I'm not even sure I WANT it to be true! I want him back, to be sure, but if I can't have him, it's not like I don't want him to ever be happy again. What gives?

Grebjack - You have a very valid question. As a matter of fact, I started a thread last night about getting more advice about the "Going Dark" method. In my case things are now pitch dark.

From what I've been told by many, affairs do not last because they are simply a distraction from what's really going on. WAS/MLC'ers seem to jump from one relationship to another and 9 out of 10 they don't last. Why? Because they still haven't gotten in their heads that they are part of the equation in the breakdown. It's so easy to blame someone else or something - after all it couldn't possibly be them. My sense is that by "Going Dark", it's supossed to help you and your S look at things objectively and GAL. I don't know how or if this technique works when there is an OM/OW involved. All I know is that at some point, the WAS will have regret and realize what they have lost. The cool thing is WE get the be the deciding vote whether we want them in our lives again. And I think it would have to be with some condition, i.e. going to C. You just can't jump back into things because if it wasn't working before and there were no changes, it's not going to work again. If you got a dollar for every person who had an A and said they found the love of their life during this kind of turmoil we are all going through, we'd all be rich! It's nothing but smoke and mirrors!