Deju vu, but new to the online forum...round 2

[MrBond]

Okay, so while you're in separate households, what are your plans to work on the M? Are you planning to have contact with her or are you just going to leave it up to her? What are you planning to GAL?

[mj144]

Well, here we go again. How f'd up is my life?

Here I am, almost 4 months from when the bomb was dropped and I have no idea what has happened to my world. After unsuccessfully getting anywhere for 3 1/2 months, I decided to make a move to move out of the house. Mr Bond/Kemper, you guys have both made me question my decision over and over again. I would really like for some more opinion on my whole sitch since a lot of what you say makes sense, but I didn't see where I was going to be left with time to save this thing.

Well, I moved forward with paying rent to my new 'roomie' last Wednesday night. I paid her 1st and last months rent. Upon returning home, my W and I sat my 2 D down and told them of the impending situation of me moving out. Well, the 5 year old didn't have much to say about it, she is still a bit clueless, however the 7 year old asked a ton of questions and then asked my W questions away from me. She was very upset understandably. I am not too sure how pleased I was with the approach my W took as being almost too nonchalant with her description of the sitch.

Here is the next disaster. Like it wasn't bad enough that I had just told my girls that I was moving out of my house, the next day, I get fired from my job.

The conversation with my wife about getting fired kind of ruined any good will that I gained by agreeing to move out and now she is pissed that we just paid 2 months rent for me to move out when we can hardly afford it. She has a hard time accepting that I didn't know I was going to be fired. My 'roomie' so happens to be out of the country in Viet Nam until Thursday, so when she gets back, I'm going to try and see if she'll try to find someone else to move in so I can recoup part of Jan. rent and get back the last month rent. So...I haven't moved out yet.

So to answer your question Mr Bond, I have no freakin' clue what the hell I am going to do about anything right now. My plans right now are to get a job, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc. I do have a phone interview tomorrow and another in person interview on Friday. The whole job thing will be for the better. I was terribly unhappy at my job and although I wish it would've played out differently, I will end up better off elsewhere. The more that I think about it, my unhappiness at work created a lot of the unhappiness that I brought to my marriage and my W.

I really have no idea what this does to exacerbate the sitch any, but my guess is that the hourglass is quickly running out of sand. I don't know how I can reverse the damage from this latest 'setback' unless I get a killer job immediately. However, that just might be her cue to run for the hills.

Where do I go from here with DB'ing? Can some others jump in here and tell me that I still have hope even though it appears I have tumbled down closer to rock bottom? Where do I draw any positives with regards to my M out of this? I know I probably can't build anything until I have a job, but then, it goes back to me moving out and whether or not that is a good decision...

Help?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[mj144]

And another thing...my wife seems to be opening up more to friends and neighbors about our sitch. She is one to keep things close to the vest. She is going for a girls ski weekend this weekend with 3 other neighbors and I know that she is going to be opening up to them about me moving out etc. I guess part of her talking about it is the fact that I will be moving out and I actually talked to 1 neighbor about it already.

Is there anything for me to read into about her starting to be more open about it all? It doesn't feel like a positive, that's for sure.

[MrBond]

She's talking to your neighbors to garner sympathy so she doesn't seem like the bad guy. WAS's do that. They try to get others on their side since they're going to be seen as the bad guy since they are leaving the family.

That's why it's important to not leave and stand your ground. Now if you go back to talking to the neighbors, it's going to seem like you're the one who is leaving and is the psycho for not leaving your poor wife alone.

Take the job firing as a blessing. Maybe someone up there doesn't want you to leave. You notice how your W was unsympathetic about you being fired? All she cared about is the money.

So start standing your ground. She's the bully right now. The best way to counteract a bully is to stand up to them.

Was there a specific reason why you got fired? Is there anyone that you could get on your side?

[mj144]

I am in sales and my performance has been inconsistent at best. The last 2 months were pretty pathetic. A little difficulty focusing with everything happening. It is a blessing, as long as I don't stay out of work too long.

I still have to go back to if I stay in the house, she moves forward. Which most specifically is working to split the house. She has resources to borrow money to buy me out. I do not.

I don't see a chance to save this if I don't move out. I will still see her everyday since I will be picking up the kids from school and bringing them home. It's not much contact, but I am beginning to get the feeling that it doesn't matter anyway.

[MrBond]

With a defeatist attitude like that, you will fail. Have you sought legal counsel? It sounds like you need that more than ever now. You will be left with nothing. How is that serving as a good example for your kids?

[mj144]

I don't know where to draw any positives right now. Help me to understand what is. I have not sought legal counsel. Do not really see a need for it right now. I have complete trust in my W that she will not try and pull anything. Where is there any positive advice or guidance or do I just prepare for divorce?

[habitacker]

I have been sitting here staring at your last post for about 15 minutes now. I want to say something, but I don't know what. The reason why? I feel the same way.

I get frustrated when I am told things that seem to be preparing me for divorce. It makes you feel like everyone knows something you don't. I want to stay positive and have faith. I understand the reasons for GAL and detaching, but sometimes a lot of people say this is the thing to do so when it doesn't work out you will be ok. Sorry, that doesn't work for me. If it doesn't work out, then, I will deal with the divorced me.

I am not saying I am not working on the new me now. That I believe has to be done, and will make me a better person whatever happens. Working on myself so I am prepared for divorce if it happens makes me feel like I have given up.

I hope nobody tears me up to bad about this. I do understand that many do not mean for it to come off sounding like this, but it does sometimes. It really brings me down.

I need something positive just as bad as you at the moment. I did see something positive in the post by MrBond if you look real hard. MAYBE SOMEONE UP THERE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE. I know that might not seem like much, but I will take whatever I can get.

[Denver_2010]

I get frustrated when I am told things that seem to be preparing me for divorce. It makes you feel like everyone knows something you don't. I want to stay positive and have faith. I understand the reasons for GAL and detaching, but sometimes a lot of people say this is the thing to do so when it doesn't work out you will be ok. Sorry, that doesn't work for me. If it doesn't work out, then, I will deal with the divorced me.

I am not saying I am not working on the new me now. That I believe has to be done, and will make me a better person whatever happens. Working on myself so I am prepared for divorce if it happens makes me feel like I have given up.

Habit and MJ - I'm fairly certain that everyone on this board has felt this exact same way. I don't think that anyone is telling either of you to work on yourself to prepare for divorce. IMO the point is, is that WE canNOT control the feelings or actions of our S. The ONLY thing that we can control is ourselves. We work on the issues and actions that led us here that we own. Not those that our S's own. We do it to improve ourselves so that however things work out we are better prepared for R with our S, new R, or by ourselves. All of us hope that our S's wake the h*ll up, see what wonderful partners we can be, and come back to M. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. But it is not prepping for divorce. JMO

With that being said... I too find it very difficult to keep hope alive with my sitch. There have been very few hopeful signs with me and my W. I struggle to do this everyday. But in the end, it is all, and everything, that I can do to fight for my M.

[MrBond]

"I have not sought legal counsel. Do not really see a need for it right now."

Seeking legal counsel is not preparing for divorce. It's just preparing. It doesn't mean you agree with it or that you give in to it. you are just protecting yourself. Aren't you the one leaving the home with no custody plan in place? What happens when she starts dating someone? What about exposure to your kids? All that will have to be taken into consideration.

Plus since she's telling people about the separation, she will be getting input from everyone about how she should protect herself financially.

"I have complete trust in my W that she will not try and pull anything."

Hmmm didn't she also give you vows when you first got married? I bet you trusted her then. What about now? What you don't seem to get is that once the WAS is set on a path, they keep it building. You have to stop that momentum before it gets worse.