LRT and Christmas

[MHL]

Barb,

Do you want evidence that what you are doing is working?

Well here it is right here......

He walked out. I was sitting, reflecting, when I heard the door open again. He came to me, tears in his eyes, hugged me, kissed me on the head and said "I don't want to leave like this - I am so sorry".

And then he was gone.

For a moment and the moment came quickly he saw through the fog when he went out to the car, leaving his family. Let me translate what he said to you.

"I know what I am doing is wrong, but it feels good to me, I like what I am doing, right now I want it more than I want you and the kids. BUT, I am not ready to commit to that life, I am not ready to make a choice.....I don't want to leave like this because I am afraid that I will lose you and this life forever."

In that moment is when you need to turn away from him.....IT WILL BE THE MOST LOVING THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR HUSBAND EVER!!!!!!! IT WILL ALSO BE THE HARDEST THING FOR YOU TO DO....EVER.

I had the same experience with my STBXW in Oct. 09....I can remember it like yesterday......She was out of the house, and we were supposed to be working on the M, but unknown to me she was already 4 weeks into another affair with OM#2. I discovered him and her mountain of lies, and I did not react like I did when I discovered OM#1.....I just told her I did not want her in my life and the kids.....that was it. Let me tell you, in that moment she felt the entire weight of her choices....for 2 days there was no contact other than her asking to come over to the house to see the kids......I absolutely refused. By the end of the second day, I started to see my old W, the soft, kind one, the one I married.......and guess what????

I caved in completely like a house of cards.....I was nice to her and agreeable and was like whatever she needs......I was spineless.....I basically said to her "You can continue your behavior and We will be here waiting for you".

It is hard to see our spouses when they are weak but we have to be hard on them.....they are children in that moment. Yes they are suffering and we want to ease their pain by comforting them........that is absolutely the worst thing you can do.

The next time your H comes in the house crying, you need to calmly rebuke him and tell him, "I hate to see you suffer, but until you break it off with her, I can not comfort you. Please leave." and you turn and leave the room with an air of confidence and strength.........(you can fall apart after he leaves).

He has done this a couple of times from what I read.....guess what?????

It will happen again.

I am not sure what the solution is on visitation with the kids....if I were you I would leave and stay gone the while he is at the house. Furthermore I would tell him he has 2 weeks to make other arrangements to see the kids, this is your house and you should not have to leave in order for him to come in, you really don't want him there as long as he is with her.

You need to send the same message over and over and over again......he is a child right now......think about it....how many times do you have to tell a kid something before they actually listen.

This is right out of DR.......

"Your smallest consistent actions will be noticed most by your WAS"

The problem with almost all NEWBIES is they don't get the TIME factor involved with being consistent........

HERE IT IS AGAIN FOLKS..........

THIS STUFF TAKES TIME..........

YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT OVER WEEKS AND MONTHS not just days...........

TRUST ME ON THIS. I would do something in DR and then I would start looking for my W to respond.

Does not work that way..........that is why you have to stay away from him.......detach from his effed up, batch!t crazy, fogged out, stupid a$$ behavior!!!!!!

STAY AWAY.....it is simple. Hard but Simple.

him having to come back into their room and doing a really crappy job of reassuring them - getting angry at them and telling them he didn't want to talk about it anymore and that they needed to go to bed. But, indeed, as per your list, my greatest fear is scarring the kids for life because my family of origin divorce did just that to me.

I vowed to never do to them what was done to me.

As I watched H's reaction to the kids tonight, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I cried for my children and the unnecessary pain they will have to endure. I need to gather the strength to protect them.

First on the kid thing....you did not do this to them....HE DID. They don't need to know that but you are not responsible.

Second, you don't want this for them.....well be strong enough to do what has a possibility of working. You continue on the path you are on and they WILL have divorced parents.

Be strong for them, they are lucky to have you as their Mom. They will have hardships in life and this is going to be hard on them, no doubt. Trying to ease their pain or sheild them from the harsh reality of divorce is much like trying to save that sandcastle......

I love my children more than anything but I could only show them my love, I could not somehow prevent what was happening around them. The best thing you can do for your kids is take care of you. I will tell you that when I really started to let go of my W, it showed in me, I was happy....really happy. My kids noticed, my daughter tells me, "Dad, you're so happy"

it took a long TIME to get there. You will get there too.

I don't plan to squander this precious time. And while I hope I don't completely outgrow him, I suspect that might be the case.

On this note, cross that bridge when you come to it. If you worry about then you will never get there. This is about where I am right now, I have seen more from my STBXW in the last 30 to 45 days then I have seen in 18 months. I don't know why.....I don't care.....as I said in my own thread....my door is open to anyone, her included.

Don't worry about whether or not you will outgrow him, you have to stop "wanting" it in order to have a choice or a chance of having it.

If you outgrow him....really outgrow him....you won't care anyway because your life is going to be so full and happy without him. Doesn't mean that he can't join you but you will be happy no matter what.

That is what takes TIME..........

Have a great day!!!!!

Cheers