Everything you have said Eric is true. I wanted so much to believe his words. Wanted it more than anything. Why? because I love him madly.
Because he has never talked like this or held me like this or looked at me like this since the bomb dropped. Because I WANTED to trust him. I STILL want to trust him - even though I am stupid stupid to do so.
Do I still look at my H and see the misery and want to "take care of him" - yes. I say no outloud, but it's not the truth. I fear that every move I make could determine whether we get back together or not. I have deep fear that I will really loose him if I make the wrong move. Especially now when I feel like we are on the edge of the cliff.
Do I want to cut off contact - no emotion. I just can't right this moment. Today. The end of the week? who knows. Each day is a challenge.
I am taking everything you have said and I am processing. I promise I am. I am processing everything that has happened in the last couple of days.
I have some decisions to make for myself. I just need time. I need to think.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I get this TAMF…man do I. What is more important is that you begin to BELIEVE in YOURSELF! BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU WANT, BELIEVE that YOU and ONLY YOU are responsible for YOUR life. Believe it and then……
LIVE IT!
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because I love him madly
If you love something set it free…if it comes back then it is meant to be. Let GO of all of it TAMF and start really looking inside yourself.
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even though I am stupid stupid to do so
Stupid has nothing to do with it IMO. If anything it should tell you about yourself. Know what I see? A women that trust and loves deeply and that my friend is not a stupid thing.
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I fear that every move I make could determine whether we get back together or not
Face this mother*cking fear and things will get “clearer”. I would love to say easier but that may not be the case. Clarity is what I believe you should strive for.
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I have deep fear that I will really loose him if I make the wrong move. Especially now when I feel like we are on the edge of the cliff.
YOU have already lost him….but not to the OW – NO you lost him to HIS crisis and only HE can get himself out of it. When you realize and accept that although you made mistakes in your M it was HIS crisis that cause a lot of this, well then you will gain some clarity.
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Do I want to cut off contact - no emotion. I just can't right this moment. Today. The end of the week? who knows. Each day is a challenge.
Ahhh….emotions – don’t ya hate them sometimes. They can suck when they attack at the wrong time. Do you know what really healthy people do (and FTR, I myself am not there just yet)? They ACCEPT that they are responsible for CONTROLING their emotions.
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I have some decisions to make for myself.
Rule of thumb….decisions made while emotionally vulnerable are usually not good decisions.
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I just need time. I need to think.
TIME yes is what you need BUT NOT TO think about HIM. No. Time to think about and get to know who TAMF really is outside of her M. Who she wants to be. Time to feel comfortable with herself. A very good friend of mine (you know her as PEI) once gave me some excellent advice…..
When you do the internal work on yourself you start by “picking up the mirror and looking into it”….but the real work is when you NEVER put the mirror down. YOU STARE at it ALL the time. Always checking yourself, always aligning your words and actions with WHO YOU WANT TO BE. In short, the work TAMF, never stops. BTW, PEI used to call me….Mr. G.
In closing TAMF, NOW IS YOUR TIME. NOW is the time for you to find what it is that you are really searching for. Now is the time for you to finally stand up and face your demons. You have been preparing for this for a very long time. Now maybe this post comes accorss as Eric has it all under control and has his chit together. Honestly, I too am holding that mirror up…staring right at that fuc*er. I too am beginning to realize just how special I am. As you know I am involved with a very nice woman these days….guess what….I’m look at this R as well and lining it up with my mirror. Being true TAMF to oneself is not easy….but then life is not easy and nor is….
TRUE LOVE.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Hi - I just read what you wrote on Antonia's thread. Wise words. I have been following your thread . . and thinking my own thoughts. What you wrote to Antonia you should probably re-read, and apply to you!! It was great advice.
Yes, we love them and want to believe them, but only actions should be taken seriously, not the words that they utter so easily. If he wants you, he has to give up the OW. It is his choice, you are not a mean lady for putting him through this pain. Where is your sense of self worth? You are a smart woman, and deserve better treatment that that.
beatrice - he does have to give up other woman!!!!! no question. I deserve better - heck we ALL DO on this board. I also think I deserve my H back and not just from the OW but from the MLC aliens that stole my H and replaced him with a weak, sick, emotional wreck, shell of a man.
God, if only you all knew my H before MLC. He was an incredible man. I never complained, never wanted him to change. Loved him for exactly the way he was. I miss him so much.
When I am in his arms, it is the safest place in the world for me. still to this day I feel this way. This is why I crumble. This is my weakness.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I wanted so much to believe his words. Wanted it more than anything. Why?
Sure, the easy answer is "because we love them" ... at first pass it's how we all answer that .... I know it's how I did.
Here's where the mirror comes in ...
Hold it up. Ask her Why? She answers "because I love him". Now ask again ... look deeper ... She answers "because I ... love him ..." Now ask again ... deeper ... be persistent, unrelenting ...
She'll start to dig if you make her ...
When I did this she started to answer with the truth ...
"because I'm afraid to be alone" "because my self worth is still tied to what he thinks of me" "because if my marriage fails, I've failed" "because ..."
Those are the real questions we need "Why?" answers for ...
Looking in the mirror and asking questions is not the hard part. It's not putting the mirror down when we get the surface answers that takes work. Acknowledging that there is more than meets the eye. Forcing ourselves to keep asking until we get the truth, the real truth ... from ourselves ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
TAMF - I've been reading along and I hope and pray that your H is being truthful and that the fog has lifted and he is going to put in the hard work. I'm sure that you have read the book "After the Affair"...if not I would suggest it...it may explain what your H is facing and what he will be going through trying to break his addiction to OW...and it is like an addiction and to break it he will need all of your help and support...
That said....I also wanted to tell you that I thought that I was where you are 2x in the last year and half. When he came home last November, we talked, he told me that it's over, he wants to be with me and that they broke up and they won't contact each other again...he even promised that if she contacts him he would tell me, he even sent the OW a letter and he let me read it, not to contact him again...the first week back I asked him "did she contact you?" he said yes....once and he replied to her and then he asked me to give him a week to wind it down that it's hard for both of them....I said OK...when I asked in a week again, he said no more contact....well he left again in January and now I know that he was lying to me the whole time and they were in contact throughout....
Then he wanted to reconcile in May...again, said all the right things, how sorry he was that it happened and that this time it's really over...I didn't let him move back in...wanted to wait and see...and sure enough three weeks later he tells me that he is back in relationship with OW....
I'm telling you this not to discourage you...every situation is different...but keep alert....and try to keep expectations in check.
Wishing you all the best
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
"cause I am going to need you like I have never needed anyone in my life".
While he was saying this, I swear he was all choked up with emotion.
TAMF,
You know I love you. And for the record, I stood up and applauded (figuratively), when I read Eric's post. That ^^^^ that I quoted above is one of your biggest problems. You NEED to be needed. It's not a want. We all want to have someone. It's a pit in the soul NEED for you. So when your H starts giving you this line he's giving you EXACTLY what you are craving (and he knows it consciously or subconsciously). Here's how I see it.
You and I have discussed previously the need to become your own person. Like PEI says, you need to take a good hard look in the mirror and see what it is that you are NEEDING from a relationship. Then take an even harder look and figure out why. In a healthy relationship you should NEED absolutely nothing. Love, affection, trust, companionship. That should be freely shared. We cannot RELY on another human being for our needs. We need to find away to be comfortable within ourselves ALONE. Paradoxically, that is the only way we can have a truly healthy relationship with someone else.
You have not separated yourself from him. You continue to try and get him to love you. Get him to wake up. Get him to see what he's doing to his D's. Get him to realize what he's losing. Get him to leave the OW. Get him to open up to you about his feelings. Get my drift? I know you've heard this before. So I'll say it slow and loud.
S T O P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! S T O P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! S T O P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU cannot fix him. YOU cannot get him to leave OW. YOU cannot fix his relationship with his mom. He needs to do all these things ON HIS OWN! YOU CANNOT be there FOR him to do this. He is refusing to stand on his own two feet and do this. He is dragging you into his mess and you are ALLOWING it by thinking that you will SUPPORT him through this. You cannot. He MUST go through it alone.
So many times you've heard it said, believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do. You and I have both discussed the fact that MLC makes them LIARS. Words are meaningless. You CANNOT believe a WORD he says. Yet you continue to whole-heartedly believe the words he says because they are the words you WANT to hear. You know he's a liar. Yet you believe. In a way, you shouldn't be mad at him. You should be mad at yourself for continuing to fall for his shenanigans.
Live your life TAMF. Look deep into yourself and figure out what you need to work on in yourself so that you aren't constantly needing a man to validate you. Stop making demands on your H. He's in MLC land. His brain is not functioning properly making him an idiot liar. He's not to be trusted or depended upon. Let him do his own thing. If he comes back, great. If not, it's not really surprising. If he DOES come back, it's not your R, you should both be working on. It's yourselves. He has internal work he needs to do. I don't see him "getting" that if he's depending on you to shoulder him through his mess.
You CLEARLY have not detached. You must. His actions still cause you to flip out. Not good. You must find that inner patience within. If you continue to stand for your M, then this is crucial, especially during reconciliation, when and if that happens. If you decide to end it, you still need to detach because it will be a useful skill to deal with H in the future.
Like I said, I love ya and got your texts about recent incidents. Can't call now due to company, but we can chat more later this week. Just wanted to get this out there while it was fresh in my mind.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Thank you all for your thoughtful words. Your friendships mean the world to me...I mean that with all of my heart.
Some of you already know what happened last night, but I will go ahead and repeat...After I got home from work, H had text me that he would come and pick up the girls for swim and then he was going out for some drinks with a buddy from work (I know this guy). I took a long hot shower and cried my eyes out. I got out of the shower and a book that I was reading - Surviving an Affair - was laying there. I grabbed it and ripped it into a million peices. left it laying on the bathroom floor. Then I went to bed to lay down. I got calm and refocused. I got up cleaned my mess and left early to pick the girls up from swim. As I was driving, I asked God to give me a sign. HELP ME. And the thought came to my head. Drive past the bar where the OW works, if his truck is there that is my sign that I am done.
His truck was there.
I went into the bar and yelled his name from the door. The girl bartending was not his girlfriend, there were a couple guys he was sitting with but I couldn't tell if she was in the bar. He looked up -startled to see me would be an understatement - He followed me out of the bar. I screamed that I was done with his f*@king lying ass. DONE!!! I told him to leave me alone and don't talk to me or see me. I got in my car and took off.
I am not talking to him, not texting. He tried and tried to call me last night but he has now given up. good.
I told the girls that unfortunately their dad is not welcome in the house any more. I will never interfere with thier relationship with thier dad, but he will have to come and pick them up and either take them to his apt. or take them somewhere else.
They understood. They were sad, but no tears. They were really hoping that we were getting back together. But my D13 said, "we will be okay mom, we have been alone for 6 months now and we are doing just fine."
They both cuddled up next to me in bed and slept with me last night.
I feel a mixture of conflicting emotions. I feel a sense of relief. I feel a sense of fear that this is it. But I am not crying nor do I feel like crying. I just feel slightly numb.
A friend text me late last night and said: Don't say or do anything else while this angry.I will follow those words of wisdom. I just don't want to have anything to do with him right now.
In case a couple of you were wondering...I did not call my "distraction" last night, even though I was tempted. But I realized I was tempted because I wanted my H to hurt like I was hurting and that is NOT a reason to call!! That is over. I need to be totally alone right now. process my life.
By the way, on top of everything else my oven door fell off last night! seriously, just friggin fell off!!! It is laying on the floor. Guess I need to get a new oven! LOL!!!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I am so sorry this happened. Your friend is right, don't do anything while you are this angry.
I did want to tell you, that reading your post made me cry. It also gave me more resolve to keep dark from H. I woke up missing him so much today and wanted to text him so bad. Now I know I need to stay dark and continue focusing on me.
God Bless you!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
