I can see how my lack of attention, affection, and caring contributed to the A. I am not saying I am 100% at fault but I do own up to my portion of the failures in our M. Yes, the bomb was my wake up call and it came way to late to keep the A from progressing or my W from moving out. In some of our recent conversations my W stated that after the bomb there was nothing that I could have said or done to change the course we have been on for the last 16 months.
Thankfully the R with OM deteriorated and my W reached out to me to discuss the possibility of reconciliation. At first I pushed her away and said I wasn't interested. As I continued to think about reconciliation, us, our family, etc I decided that I didn't want to look back 5, 10, 20 years from now and regret not trying. There are going to be issues in any R so why not try and work on the one I have with my W. W broke it off with OM on New Years Eve.
Since then my W and I have had a few text exchanges and conversations. Nothing overly serious but I have been staying busy and allowing my W to reach out to me. Last night we were talking and I asked if she wanted to do something this week. We decided to go bowling on Wednesday. Today she asked where we were going because she had a gift card to a restaurant near one bowling ally and said we could go eat after bowling.
I am trying to figure out how to proceed. Some have said to let my W pursue me, others have said to just do what I feel is right regardless of if it comes across as pursuing. Any advice or input would be appreciated.
I tried to keep this short and just give a brief update, but if you have questions please ask.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
My own personal opinion is that for the most part you treat this like a brand new relationship. However at the same time you both have to work on those issues that caused you to drift apart. She has to re-earn your trust by being transparent. You have to show her that you have changed for the better by being more affectionate, attentive and caring.
Did you ask for transparency right away? I am trying to figure out the best way to bring up the topic. Do I do it the next time she brings up a R discussion, during MC, or just come out and ask?
At this point we have had a few serious R discussions and I don't want every interaction we have to turn to serious talks. I want to go out and have fun together and try to rekindle what we had in the past.
However, I know that at some point we need to sit down and discuss our respective needs. I was thinking that MC would be a good opportunity for that. W has brought up us going to MC but that was it. There hasn't been any action to setup an appointment hence the title of this post.
Additionally, my W has stated that she tried to break it off with OM three times in the past, all unsuccessfully. I told her that I want to know if OM tries to contact her or if she contacts him. She says she broke it off and that she wants to shut the door on that R, but I find it odd that he has not tried to contact her.
I guess this is just the start of the "dance" so to speak.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
It would be good to do your own research on MC. You definitely want to find someone who is pro-marriage, who will not encourage you to separate rather than reconcile. Your wife may not know how to find a therapist who can help you, so taking the lead might be helpful. Seems like she's done the heavy lifting up to this point. No reason you can't show some enthusiasm!
W mentioned during our conversations a couple of weeks ago that she wanted to go back and see our original MC. I was leaving it up to her to drive that however, based on your post Lotus I have contacted our MC to find out his schedule.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
W and I went out on a date tonight. I picked her up at her condo and when I saw her I said "you have always been great at making a simple outfit look really good". It wasn't anything special, jeans and sweater, but she looked put together and beautiful.
First stop was the bowling ally and we had a great time. Light conversation, butterfly touches, smiles, and of course bowling. It was good to go out and just have fun with the two of us.
Second stop was dinner at an Irish bar. I don't remember how it happened but we got into some serious conversations before we even got our table. And no, I didn't bring it up. W started the conversation about something which leads to the following main points:
1) W brought up going to MC and I asked if she had contacted our previous MC. She said she hadn't and then also brought up Retrouvaille and stated that she didn't feel comfortable going. I asked about her reservations and she stated that she didn't want to discuss our issues in front of strangers. I said that I totally understood and thought that might have been her reservation when we discussed it previously. I let her know that I did more research (thanks Lotus). I explained the program based on how I understood it, and by the end of the conversation she changed her mind and agreed to go.
2) I asked if OM had contacted her. She said yes and I asked when. She told me that OM texted her on Monday night. That she told him again it was over. W stated that OM tried to call and she didn't answer. She said that she wanted to talk to me in person about it since I like in person conversations vs. text/email/phone. I said that I do prefer in person conversations but I am really frustrated about the situation. I reinforced that I want to know when OM contacts her and I want to know right away. I said that if OM continues to contact her that we would resort to me calling him back each time he tries to contact her. Out of the whole night this is my biggest frustration and concern.
3) We talked about her lease being up and her landlord wanting to put the condo on the market. W mentioned that she asked her landlord about going month to month vs. signing a new lease but he is not interested. Her lease is up in the middle of March so this is still a topic that we have to discuss in more detail.
4) The topic of privacy and secrets came up with respect to being in a marriage. I told her that there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage and we should have access to anything the other person uses (e.g. email, facebook, etc) because we shouldn't be afraid to have our spouse see what we say or do. W agreed and said it was that way in the beginning and she didn’t seem to have any issues with it being that way in the future. This has been a sore subject in the past because during her A she felt like she was being monitored. This of course was due to her not wanting me to find out about the A.
5) We talked about our M, the shortcomings that both of us had and how we both contributed to the downfall of the R. All in all we had some deep conversations about concerns, fears, what it would take to make it work, time to heal, my A with my job and how I escaped into my job instead of facing issues in our M and how she escaped into OM with facing issues in our M.
At one point we were talking about our reconciliation and holding hands. I looked her in the eyes and said, you are the most important person to me and that is the reason why I am here right now. W said that she hopes I understand that she is here for the same reason.
After dinner I dropped her off at her condo. We talked, hugged, and kissed. W asked if I was doing anything this weekend. We made plans for her to come to the house and stay over Friday night. We are going to cook dinner, have some wine, watch a movie and hang out alone. Hopefully we can sleep in and then go out to breakfast in the morning and just enjoy each other’s company.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
That sounds really nice, Kemper. I guess you know my favorite part....sleeping in over the weekend. Ha! I tricked you!
Now remember, take it slow. There are potholes and setbacks along the way. The important thing is not to let that little voice in your head talk you out of it. (You know the one that tells you things won't work out, she can't be trusted, what if...) Yes, you know the voice. You both have them, and they are the enemy of success. At the stage you are now at, my H and I started reading and discussing "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It is a helpful book.
The important thing is to not try to move too quickly. There has been a lot of damage, and it won't just go away over night. But you two are being very smart about it, and are willing to accept help from others. That really does make a difference.
I read "After the Affair" last week and am current reading "Not Just Friends".
Your post made me remember part of our conversation last night. I asked W if she thought she would recognize the signs of getting to attached to another person. She said she hoped so. I felt my stomach drop when I heard her reaction. Honest as she was I don't think she has thought much about the breakdown of our M and R. She made a comment regarding how much I had thought about the issues in our M and R and how we both contributed.
Given that OM is recently out of the picture, as far as I know, I feel that I am ahead of her on this journey and need to give her time to reflect and "catch up". Hopefully, both MC and Retrouvaille can get us there.
I know that it going to take considerable time and effort to move past this and rebuilt our R and a new M. I have conveyed that to W as well and she seems to agree. Only time will tell.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
Submitted the registration for Retro today based on the conversation with W last night and her agreement to go. I didn't realize they would send an email right away to both myself and W.
Called to setup a MC session and the first available was Jan 31st. Didn't want to wait that long but W really wants to see the MC we originally went to since he knows our history. Out of the blue about an hour after setting it up they called back and said that the MC was available next Tuesday as well. So as of now we have MC scheduled for next Tuesday and the also the 31st.
W hasn't said anything about the Retro email. At this time I am driving the bus more than being a passenger.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
The good thing about driving the bus (assuming no one fights you for the steering wheel), is that you can set the direction and the speed and get somewhere! You are doing good. Can you see the roadmap yet?
