LRT and Christmas

[barbsing1]

Missher -

Thanks. So much to digest. But again - so spot on. The only thing I really am not sure about is not letting him see the kids. I just don't see how I can do that - probably because my mom pulled the same thing with me and my brother in regards to my dad and it ended very badly. I also don't want them going to his rented room to spend time with him. So I really have no other recourse - and legally, as well. Can I really, legally, keep him from seeing his kids.

This is his biggest fear. Losing his children. But it's so ironic because if he remains on this course, that is exactly what will happen and it will be his doing. His second wife (yes - I am his third) had three children - and when he initiated the divorce with her, she kept the kids away from him. He ended up hating her and being heartbroken.

I know you think this is all about fear for me - definitely a lot of it is. But if you could have seen the "scene" here this evening before he left and how I ultimately responded, you would see that I am no longer afraid of losing him. Both kids freaking out, my D saying "But daddy is my daddy - he can't be away and be my daddy" , me trying to calm them down, him having to come back into their room and doing a really crappy job of reassuring them - getting angry at them and telling them he didn't want to talk about it anymore and that they needed to go to bed. But, indeed, as per your list, my greatest fear is scarring the kids for life because my family of origin divorce did just that to me. I vowed to never do to them what was done to me. As I watched H's reaction to the kids tonight, it hit me like a ton of bricks. His fog is getting thicker and thicker - not at all lifting. We talked briefly and I mentioned my concern for the kids. He blew it off and then the "alien" emerged. I chose not to engage it and told him to "leave, now". I also told him I didn't think this arrangement was the right one and that I would be speaking with the child psychologist this Wednesday to get a better idea of what is best for the kids. He walked out. I was sitting, reflecting, when I heard the door open again. He came to me, tears in his eyes, hugged me, kissed me on the head and said "I don't want to leave like this - I am so sorry".

And then he was gone. I breathed a huge sigh of relief to be rid of his toxic, selfish vibes. I cried - but not because I wanted him for me. I cried for my children and the unnecessary pain they will have to endure. I prayed - I told God I was done and that I no longer want this life or this man. I told God I was His faithful servant and would do what He asked of me but that I had reached my limit because the selfishness is now truly extending into the lives of my most precious gifts - my babies. I don't need to protect myself anymore. I need to gather the strength to protect them. I know I sound angry but in actuality, am not. Much like you felt once you got your W out of the house - I feel relieved.

I thank you for your truly amazing analogies. Missher - you help me make sense of things. I know you get where I am - you have been there and are now on the other side. I will chew a bit more on him not coming into the house but am not sure that is the way to go in this situation. That being said, continuing to allow him to come in and consume all of our natural resources like a locust can no longer be an option. We are separated. He no longer lives here. We are all out of cake.

I respect his need for space - his need for "taking a break". He is not hiding under the guise of taking this break in order to work on our marriage. He sees it as a way for him to try another life out, see where it goes and then come back if that life does not suit him. I also need this break from him. I don't plan to squander this precious time. And while I hope I don't completely outgrow him, I suspect that might be the case.