I can do this...

[AntoniaB]

You and I are peas in a pod or separated at birth or something, because the whole "how did I not see" thing replays in my head all the time. Earlier tonight I was reading a book that a friend lent me--Eve Green, a novel by Susan Fletcher. I copied down a quote for my fb page that seemed very relevant. Here it is:

"Some things just happen, Evie! They aren't meant to make sense!....We just have to put our heads down and get on with it...Don't fight what's gone. Don't look for reasons, because that serves no purpose and it ruins things. Move on."

I put that on my page because I need to remind myself of that message every day. Sometimes often in one day. Like you, I am trying so hard to find reasons, and try to pinpoint the times that I was in the past and things were starting that I didn't see happening.

There is another line in this book that gets me: "What if...? A question we ask to hurt ourselves."

Isn't that true? Is there anything positive that can come from "what if I had known" or "what if I had done such and such?" NO. I mean, I guess it helps us feel like we've gotten to the bottom of the puzzle. If we figure out the puzzle, we feel that we have a sense of control gained in a situation where we feel we've lost control.

But maybe the ultimate sense of control we can gain is by saying that we are going to drop the rope on trying to figure all this stuff out. Maybe THAT is the ultimate power, because it is so UNLIKE who we are.

I'm telling you this because I need to tell it to myself. If you saw TAMF's reply to me earlier today, you can see that she correctly sees that I can give a lot of supportive advice that I have terrible trouble internalizing myself. I think a lot of us are like that. We are very supportive with others. It's what makes us tick. But we fail in supporting ourselves.

We have to stop failing at that very important endeavor.

I know it's so tough to say "IB, stop blaming yourself for not seeing."

But maybe say to yourself, "for the next 24 hours, I'm not taking that blame on me anymore." Just do that much. Baby steps, they'll start to take hold.

(((HUGS)))