Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

The day after the awkward D incident at dinner, I asked H why my D would be getting annoyed at OW on FB. He said he didn't know. He explained that he had made a post and she responded as did a bunch of others. That got us into a discussion about his keeping her on his FB friend list. He told me (and I verified) that he had defriended a bunch of friends he had made via OW. But that he had not defriended OW and he explained why. She is mutual friends with a lot of his coworkers. He states that he doesn't think she would do or say anything, but that not defriending her allows him to keep an eye on stuff to make sure she doesn't say anything publicly out of anger or hurt. He said that he regrets the whole thing, but still doesn't feel he did anything wrong because he was in a mindset at the time that our marriage was over. We've calmly disagreed on this topic in the past (his not doing anything wrong) so I didn't go into it again. He said that he's concerned that if he defriends her it might make things worse and she might say some stuff that could be professionally damaging. He knows that he's ended up hurting both of us which isn't helping his anxiety issues.

All of what he says is true. I know she knows a lot of my H's coworkers and his explanation has some merit. It doesn't make it right, but I see his point. He talked about being able to filter his posts so that she doesn't see them but that if he friended me again, I'd still see the posts she made. I told him that I had ALWAYS seen her posts even when they were together. It's not that that's the issue. I told him that if she's anything like me (which he's claimed) then she's as tenacious as me. And if so, may be biding her time or figuring that she only has to wait 3 years until my D graduates and then she can have H (probably a bit of crazy talk on my part but who knows). When I said that, my H burst out laughing and said "what the heck is wrong with the both of you that you'd want me!". I didn't find it funny and didn't laugh. I don't know that he noticed since we were having this conversation in bed. I told him that I didn't feel like I should jump through hoops in order to have him as a FB friend and he agreed. But he did say he missed having me on there as a friend and that he liked being able to have me see his posts. We pretty much ended it there.

The next day, I thought about it a lot. I saw his point and I felt that I'd made mine. Despite hating to see the posts, knowledge is power and I'd rather be able to see the posts and comments being made. So the next day, I friend requested him. That was on New Years Eve. He saw it that night and said jokingly "I'll have to think about that.". He has not accepted yet.

In a way, I like where this stands. Previously, it was me that was the roadblock. Now, it's in his hands. He can no longer bemoan the fact that I can't see his posts or that I'm not his friend. The ball's in his court. It wasn't my intention to do that but I like it and it's telling. As with everything, I'll continue to watch and observe.

These next few weeks will be rough. The conference that he works at is next week. This is an extremely stressful time for him every year and this year is no different. The fact that he's got all this additional stuff to deal with is not making it any easier on him. I normally would walk on eggshells around him during this time of the year and plan to do the same. I will not mention OW or FB or anything until its all over. He just has too much on his plate. He DID tell me that OW will be moving about 30 minutes away from us. She had the whole state to pick from and she picks an area 30 minutes away from us. Yeah, that's not coincidence.

As for H, he has stayed most nights at the house but has left a few nights due to sleep or anxiety issues. He continues to live out of a suitcase and hasn't moved any of his stuff back. Therefore, I reclaimed the whole closet again. If he's going to drag his feet, I'm going to enjoy my closet space. I see him trying to overcome his anxiety issues. Sometimes he pushes through, other times he retreats. He still does not wear his wedding ring. He is still seeing a psychologist although not regularly lately due to all the time needed for his job right now.

As for me, I continue my pole dancing classes. I wish I had a pole at home. Some of those moves are tricky and I could use the practice. I've also been dragging my feet on training, but it's about time I get back into shape for triathlons. It helps keep me occupied. I also need to read more. I was reading tons prior to H peeking out of the fog and that's seemed to stop. I need to get back into that.

This situation is certainly better than I had 6 months ago, but I am still plagued with doubt, worry, despair, fear, anxiety, suspicion etc. Some days are good but then others I feel like I'm losing it. These next few weeks will be toughest on me because starting next week he will be gone for 2 weeks and OW may very well attend the conference. I will be there for part of it, but due to childcare issues, can't attend the whole thing. As always, I continue to take things one day at a time.