Now and Zen

[zengypsy]

Hi everyone!

If this gets long, I apologize, but I really wanted to get some advice about Going Dark. I have already tried this with the initial split so it was more like twilight. It seemed to work (this was during the summer) - H had come up for one of his visits to see the dog and he mentioned that I cut off all communication with him. My response was, I'm just trying to give you the space you want. There was no response to that. After that, our communication steadily went on a decline.

Fast forward to Nov. 5, 2010. That was the last time I have seen or spoken to my H. By this time, he served me with D papers. He mentioned at this visit that when he left 12/09, it wasn't about me anymore, it was about him. I told him I was working on a letter. Not to get him back, but just an expression of who I've become thru my therapy. It was a huge breakthrough for me to finally have some puzzle pieces fit together. He expressed that he was willing to read it. I worked very hard on the letter; carefully choosing my words so it didn't seem like I was pushing, begging etc. And I didn't. I told him within the letter not only my expression of who I've become, I apologized for my part in the disintergration of our marriage, that I know his trust level isnt' there (nor is mine) but will not fight the D. That he means too much to me to end things poorly. I have also told him face to face that the door is always open and he says thank you. I never have gotten a response to the letter; I didn't expect one. At least he was willing to read it and it was his decision to do so. Since that time, we both have gone completely dark - like pitch dark.

I obviously use this time to continue to work on myself thru my tools in therapy and this wonderful, supportive forum. He's never gotten any type of C; he doesn't believe in it so he says.

I'm a little concerned about this technique. I'm afraid he thinks that I'm really not interested anymore and I am, but at the same time I am hoping he will see that my actions are now supporting my words. As I indicated in the letter, that I will let him be. My motto has been that I will move on but not give up. His has been if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it was never your to begin with.

My question regarding this technique is how effective is this for someone in my situation? Am I holding on to false hope? The D is going to happen; he is adament about that. Should I be doing something different at this juncture? I guess technically since 11/5/10, this is the first time I have really gone truly dark so it's going on almost 2 mos. On his last visit I had mentioned that I went to a fair that we used to attend in MA every year. The the questions started to role...Did you go alone? Who did you go with if you didn't go alone? I answered truthfully and said that I went with my friend Kerry. He is SO ambivalent when he comes to the house. Typical of an MLC'er I presume?

Anyway, not sure if there is an OW at this juncture. I feel there may be but from what I've read, these distractions don't last. It's a total rebound thing. How does the going dark approach work or doesn't it when there is possbily another person involved?

I look forward to some great advice. And sorry this got so long!