I think David's approach demonstrates what the "behavior" would look like if we could really detach our own self interest from the marriage problems.
I'm out of the woods now and I've had time to heal and reflect on this stuff - and I think what it's about is the capacity for a spouse to truly understand that their H or W is an individual and as an individual they have the right to make whatever decisions they chose to about how they live their life.
In the middle of a marriage break-down it's very difficult to see that. You’ve been a “team” or perceived yourself as a “team” for so long that we think everything our spouse does is about us. One of the lessons we learn during a marriage break down is sometimes it doesn’t matter what we want – our partner is their own person and they do have the right to make their own decisions.
If you can detach yourself from them - detach to the point where you treat them like a friend/acquaintance and stop trying to get the outcome you want (your marriage back) often you have a better chance of your spouse realizing that you’re not the problem.
When we demonstrate to our spouse continually how they have hurt us, how angry we are, how crap they are for the choices they are making we are not attractive to them. The fact is they are leaving the marriage because they don’t like us and they don’t want to be married to us. “David’s” behavior gave his wife an opportunity to remember the man she fell in love with because he completely detached from the outcome.
He didn’t b!tch about the boyfriend, he didn’t wail about her moving out … he just said “Yep – whatever you want honey, it’s your life.” Then he was there for her when she wanted him as a friend. That may have been all he ever got –they may not have reconciled – but a friendship with the other parent of your children and a kind, open communication is surely better than an angry, bitter and twisted co-parent and acrimonious divorce.
