Am I piecing? Just can't tell 2...

[Sad_but_happy]

Harrier... We DO deserve what OM got and more... OM has not been there for W for 20 years... Has not worked two or three jobs working 18 hour days to keep her home, has not provided a home and children and quality of life SHE wanted. There is crap on both sides of the fence. Emotional and physical mis-ques can be seen and recognized by both W and I. For better or WORSE Harrier... Don't sell yourself short or make excuses for W actions. She made a mistake and is flawed like all of us but no one deserved to be cheated on...

So we will have to agree to disagree on what OM deserves compared to what we deserve. Yes, I could be a jerk at times too, yes I wanted out of the marriage on many occasions too, and yes I left her emotionally too... But she has her demons as well. My needs were not met and I was invalidated too. We both have to grow and make changes to make this work.

W and I are better off together and I think she knows that. It's just so nice that every interaction is friendly. I never see a reason to yell. I disagree but not to the extent of invalidating her feelings. That's the key... Our WAS has opinions (as do we) and when we react harshly to what they think or say, we invalidate them. Why do that? It only makes a person feel small. Constructive disagreeing is the key!

I say validate, disagree or agree and move on... I love this new me!!! Wish I had thought like this years ago... But better late then never!!!

[Sad_but_happy]

Oh and though I love my W very much, if she decides to leave I WILL love again.

As you know, I don't believe in the theory of a sole-mate. And if your W doesn't want you, no longer connects with you, does not want to be with you, then by very definition you CAN NOT be sole-mates...

[Harrier]

I guesd I need to clarify what I said. I meant that I did not deserve what the OM got for the time W connected with him. It was a 2 1/2 month thing for my W. She gave a lot more than I gave for the months before that. So because of how I treated W, I didn't deserve anything during that time.

Now is different though. Because like you I am working my butt off. So is my W. So if I deserve affection, then she deserves a good husband.

It is the rare EA/PA that happens in a perfect marriage. 99% of the time the spouse goes to the OM/OW for a reason. I know why my W did. I'm sure you don't have clean hands in your situation. (Not to bust on you)

I guess I believe that my W is my soulmate but that doesn't mean that we are destined to be together. If it goes south. I may "love" again but it wont be like it was with W. I firmly believe that and feel we will always have a connection. Maybe I'm just a fool about this.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

No Harrier you're not a fool about it.

You mentioned that you had a bad dream and that it impacted your interaction later with your wife.

It's hard not to let that affect you. But the reality of what your wife's current actions are should weigh more than a dream.

When I used to go back and re-read my old posts, my wife would wonder why I was in a bad mood later that day with her. For awhile I stopped re-reading those posts, but in time what my wife was doing NOW with me outstripped the pain of what she did.

Communicate with her, let her know you had a bad dream, and while maybe the details of the dream don't need to be brought up at least your letting her know its not her, but you.

[Harrier]

I am really hurting now. She's been distant today. Dis-engaging from me and the boys at every turn. It really suck. We we so close last wednesday. So close and I screwed it up royally.

Im seriously thinking i want out now. If she keeps this up-soulmate or not-it's over. I cant live with this. But i cant say chit to her.

Arrrrrgggghhhh. Bad day all around and I am trying so hard to be positive. To nothing.

[Harrier]

Okay since you can't edit, the last post was really me venting. Nothing really rang true.
My wife told me that she is hitting a rough patch on working through things. NYE didn't help much. My instinct is to dig and dig at what's she is working through, but of course that's just stupid. I really need to back off for a few days. Man I screwed this up bad.
I'm still beating myself up. And here I thought 2011 would be so much better. We still have 2 week tour our next MC session. It might be a long 2 weeks.

[Sad_but_happy]

Just do what has been working Harrier. I think you and I both have a good grasp of what needs to be done. Now we just need to be consistent.

I hope you will elaborate on what happened on NYE at some point...

Now stop beating yourself up and get to work!

[Harrier]

Okay.

I'll spill what happened on NYE that derailed us. So most of the day was great. My wife went into her work our 1/2 day. My sons and I had lunch with her. Then we went to some First Night event downtown. She took our 4-year-old ice skating for the first time. Everything seemed good. I was a little grumpy about the fact that she went into work and I watched the kids then she was kinda nit picky. But I worked through it.
I picked up dinner and everything was grand.

Around 10:30 my wife announces that she is going upstairs to read for a bit, but that she will be back before midnight. I get a little peeved at this and because of here working that day and she can see it. But I keep it under wraps. About 10 min later I get a txt from here "are you po'ed at something?"

I debate telling her. Then I stupidly decide to say something. I said "I'm a little upset that we didn't have sex tonight." (Keep in mind this is only 2 days after we had sex for the first time in 9+ weeks) It was soooo flipping stupid of me. Okay that sets here off and we end up fighting right through midnight. She also said that "she WAS planning on ML with me, but just wanted to read a little." So I'm a even bigger idiot.
She says this sets us back "four steps," but didn't kick me out of the bedroom after I offered.

I am still beating myself up for this. For one, it violates the DB principles. Secondly, I shouldn't even be mad at all. I should be f'ing grateful that she even wanted to ML on Wednesday and not pout because we didn't do it on my timetable on Friday. Third she was WILLING TO ML that night.
So yesterday, I finally asked her about being distant (I know, I know not Dbing) she said that she is having a rough patch and needs to work through it. So I do the only smart thing I've done. I till her I'll give her all the space she needs.

I now have 2 pressing issues. One I am so mad at myself I cannot think straight. I really just want to punch myself in the face. I don't think I've ever been this mad at myself.
Secondly, why did I feel this way? I shouldn't have. But I was caught looking to the future instead of enjoying the moment. I'm really good at giving you advice SBH, but terrible at taking it.

So I need forgive myself and talk to my IC about this issue.

Anywho, today was fine and she was her normally friendly self. She actually just called me and we had a nice convo. But I expect nothing and will just enjoy that.

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks for sharing Harrier. Sounds like you have some control issues. Whenever you feel that anxiety building your best bet is to go for a ride or take a walk... Remember that everytime she says, "is anything wrong", your response is "of course not, everything is fine."


VERY BAD DAY TODAY FOR ME!!! No reason in particular other then my own mind driving me crazy!

So last night was fine as always. I wake up angry this morning because I am looking for my W to just put everything into the M NOW! I want confidence in my M. I need it! I am still angry that IT FEELS as if I am putting more into it. All HER LL's are being met and she is "doing what she can" to meet mine, which isn't much! That's not to say that she is not trying. It's just that my LL's are being kicked to the curb for now. How do I not get resentful? LBS’s need to feel love too…

I am also having major trust issues for the first time. Maybe Sandi can chime in here...

My W lied to me! My W was sneaking behind my back! My W was carrying on an EA! And at the end felt/feels NO GUILT! What would stop her from doing it again? Nothing is guaranteed and she has proven herself to be distrustful!

I have seen people write that, "trust is a choice." I disagree! Trust is earned. Whenever I'm not with her I'm questioning where she is and what she is doing. I have no indications that she is carrying on the EA. Whenever I call she answers. And every time I go to her work her car is there.

But how do I really know?

I don't know... Just a bad feel today for no particular reason...

[Sad_but_happy]

So W just called me about to talk about my taking D14 to a show when she is out of town with S12 visiting friends. She sounded upbeat and happy and the convo went well. We even made plans to do more things in the next few weeks. All positive stuff really.

So why am I so anxious right now? I know I want my W back and she is doing all the right things but I am just so upset at the moment... I didn't show my W any indication of it. I was upbeat and happy too. And i was very positive about everything. And I really AM happy about the progress.

Sometimes the urge to discuss R and my needs and my LL is so darn strong that I have to leave and do something else. I resist the urge EVERY time but it really [censored]. Couples are supposed to communicate their needs and this sitch makes that impossible for us LBS's for now. It's like torture.

This type of thing absolutely makes one stronger. Teaches restraint and self-discipline... Not the way I wanted to learn but what can one do?

I guess I just need to be talked off the ledge but I have no idea why...