I read DR sometime ago but I don't recall the section on the depressed spouse. I took the book out from the library so I don't have it right now. Any advice that you can share?
Wife and I are both back at work this week after the holidays. Hard to tell if we have made progress or not. She was more interested in doing things as a family, something she has not had any interest in doing until recently. Hopefully, her trying to reconnect with the family is a good thing.
Still no word from her on the status of the OM. Not sure whether they had any Text Messaging going on during the holidays. I am trying not to pay too much attention to this part of her life.
I am trying to be there for her, but her emotional wall is still up and thick as ever. At this point, she doesn't even say goodnight, just heads off to bed b herself when the mood hits.
She is looking for a new marketing job so at least she won't be working for the same company as the OM. Hopefully this happens sooner than later. Other than kids and work we don't talk about anything of any substance at this time either. Will continue to try and engage her as I don't want to leave any reason for her to stay connected with OM.
She wrote a chapter about depression. I think you know what depression in your S looks like, etc. Michele did say that the S who is depressed will probably listen to a concerned relative or friend....better than their undepressed mate.
I have told LBH's that women don't heed very well when their LBH's try to get them to have their hormones checked. I think being depressed works much the same way. With the WAW's negative thought process, she believes her H is just trying to "fix" her but isn't really concerned about her problem.
As for what action he needs to take with a depressed W, it is basically the same steps as with any WAW. For example: Pull back and give her space if she appears that you are getting on her nerves or moody (biting your head off, etc.). Keep things upbeat as much as possible, but she may need to talk sometimes, so look her in the eyes so she knows you're truly listening. Depressed women usually need somebody to hear what they have to say.
I'm away from the house right now and don't have my book, so I'll have to look it up when I get home.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi2. Always appreciate your insight and advice. Not sure if I screwed up today, but my wife called me at work and said that she wanted me to go and pickup a major purchase for our vacation home that she had ordered many months ago prior to me confronting her about her EA.
I told her that I could pick it up, but asked whether we were going to keep our getaway property. She said yes. I then said, just to clarify, does it make sense buying it if you are not staying around because we would have to sell it if we were to get divorced. She then said we will have to discuss it this evening. Not sure whether I should have pressed her on the status of her decision, but felt that I do have a right to know what her plans may or may not include.
It is frustrating to know that conversations that she is likely have with the OM on a daily basis are off limits to me. I am trying to follow the MWD advice, but at some point I do feel that you cannot continue to be a doormat and let the WAW dictate all of the actions and decisions.
Not sure what will come of it this evening. In the past her comments about discussing it later or tomorrow have never resulted in any further conversation on the topic.
You're in the same boat as me this afternoon... stressing over whether a big talk will take place or not tonight and how it will end. I'll say prayers for you too.
Sounds like you're doing everything right and making progress. I'm going to keep up with your thread to throw some support you way when I can... and to remind myself what slow and consistent progress can accomplish. WTG, punchy! Don't veer off course.
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me that there are people out there taking the time away from their own issues to lend support to mine.
Wife came home from work and was pretty upbeat. Hard to tell whether that is a good or bad sign. She was very appreciative of the dinner I made. I had to run out after dinner to attend a sporting event with our kids so we did not get a chance to discuss anything other than our work days. With the kids around, it is difficult to have any serious one on one discussions.
Will be heading home later this evening and she will likely be in bed when we get home. The waiting continues. Will see what tomorrow brings if anything. Will stick with the plan in the interim.
Don't you "hate" it when they say they want to "talk" then make you wait?
I've had several and every time WAW comes up with some new bomb to drop on me:
I'm at a point where I dread the "talk". Avoid if at all possible. The longer we go w/o a talk and she still hasn't filed D, I figure I'm buying more time for the aliens to return the person I married.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Yes Pickle! I dread the "talk" too. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George has invited his GF to a ball and is looking forward to her twirly grand entrance. Before the Ball she tells him at dinner that they need to "talk". Knowing what this means, George excuses himself from the table to use the restroom and does not come back! LOL... He begins to avoid her calls and seeing her, hoping to make it to the Ball where she will still have to go with him bc they haven't broken up.
This is what I feel like. Except I'm not trying to make it to a Ball. Like you, I'm putting off D as long as possible waiting for the aliens to give me my W back!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
My wife does this all the time. I agree, the only upside is that it prolongs the divorce conversation and allows us to keep making improvements and hopefully make it more difficult for them to leave.
I like the alien reference. My wife is currently not the person I met and fell in love with. Am hoping that she returns as well some day soon.
Came home later tonight and no discussion. Wife went to bed. Based on past practice, nothing further will come of it.
