My wife and I have been married for three and a half years. On October 18th, 2010, my wife found out that I had gotten another woman pregnant in July 2009, four months after I got my wife pregnant with my first child. In desperation, I told her that it was a one-night stand and didn't mean anything, that is until she saw an email I had sent her almost a month after I got her pregnant. Then I told her I had a nine month affair, but I was still not telling the whole truth. One day she was going through the phone records from two years back and saw that in different time periods I would spend alot of time talking to certain people. That is when I couldn't lie anymore, I told her everything. Since the summer of 2008 until the summer of 2010 I had slept with 11 women, and kissed 3 others. Among these were two affairs. She learned all this December 4th, 2010. Since D-Day we are still living together, we still had sex, up until December 30th, 2010. Our time consisted of lots of good sex, moments of affection and love, painful conversations about what I did to her, silent drives, and anger like I've never seen before. She beat the crap out of me one day (December 23rd, 2010), and I let her. She would say she loved me when we were having sex, and that she hated me when she was angry. My wife had sex with another man the day before I told her the whole truth. It was one time, that I know of. She told me she needed to show me a fraction of what she was feeling. And she did. Since then she has been talking to other men on Plenty of Fish (dating website), has come close to having sex with someone else again, and texts other men regardless if I am standing right next to her. She has locked me out of our AT&T account, her email, and her phone. I get it, I deserve nothing less for what I did. I started going to counseling in November 2010, part of which was full of lies until December. Now I am seeing a marital counselor and a psychologist. We started going to marital counseling as a couple, but now we are doing individual sessions. I keep a journal, it serves me as a mechanism to attenuate my emotions, as I have a severe anger disorder (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), and a little bit of a borderline personality disorder (seen in people that are unable to regulate their emotions). The journal helps me think reasonably and helps me organize the utter mess that lives inside my head. The holidays seemed to be the only thing that held us together, doing traditional things with the family, spending time with her father, etc. The holidays are over now, my father-in-law is leaving tomorrow, and life will take a more somber and monotonous tone. I am terrified of this. I'm afraid that she is going to tell me to move to the guest bedroom, or even worse, to find myself a new place to stay. Currently she hardly ever speaks to me, we barely talk about the main issue, unless I bring it up. We don't have sex. She can't stand my kiss, hug, nor touch. She feels like she is a million miles away when she is right next to me. I can't stop thinking of her meeting another man and having sex. I want to save my marriage, I love my wife and deeply regret the pain I have put her through. I will never hurt her again. I've told her all this, but as you might imagine, it is all empty promises and "grabbing at straws". She has not made a decision to commit to me yet, therefore I am endlessly grateful for every second I get to spend with her and my family. Every morning I wonder if today is going to be the day, the last day with her. I am willing to work at this until she kicks me out of her life. Regardless of what she does. I do not know how to handle the silent treatment, the distance. I could write forever about this, and I apologize for my currently haphazard way of writing, I'm a mess. I don't know what to do.
