This Storm Shall Pass

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

Thank you so much for your concern for me and for your wishes for my well being. GAG, I truly appreciate your kind words as well, I really can't thank you both enough for your friendship.

I will admit I am not in a very good place.

While I have been reading along on both your threads I have not posted because I am perplexed by some recent activities here. I am mentally preparing for Jan. 13th and am very tearful every time I try and study out what I need to do. I am trying to come up with a logical and well thought out solution to the end of our marriage and what's in the best interest for all concerned, primarily my son's concerns. I have many options and am finding that I am flip-flopping at a rapid rate the closer I get.

Things that have me confused:

H and I have been getting along so well, since about 9/29/10, three weeks after he serves me.

H spends a great deal more time with son over last 3 months than in the previous 61.

H spends Christmas weekend here with us.

H buys me two very lovely gifts. A very unusual gesture, I usually got nothing or something cold-hearted like a shovel.

H texts me on the 28th to remember his mom, it would have been her 69th birthday. First time he did that since he left me 5.5 years ago. His mother's death was a trigger in H MLC.

H sends me flirting and very provocative texts for 2 hours on the evening of the 30th.

H comes for breakfast on the 31st and upon his arrival he kisses me on the lips, takes son for the day and returns and has dinner with us NYE. I had prepared son's favorite and had thought it would only be the 2 of us. I had it all ready when they returned so I invited H to join us. I about fell over when he accepted. I had assumed he and OW had NYE plans. H stayed until about 8pm.
H and OW were spotted at a local club between 10pm and 1am NYE. I know for a fact they spent the whole w-e together.

Other notables:

H and I have had sex 3 times since he had me served (this go around).

H and I have wonderful conversations. H seeks me out for contact in every case. I do not call on H at all, even for son matters.

H feels and makes himself at home here and it is much more obvious than in the past that he is comfortable in our home. H has spent a great deal of time here and sharing our meals since early October.

H has brought things of significance to our home property and left them here in the past 4 months. For example: his snowmobile, 3-4 antique vehicles....

H spent a day this fall cutting up firewood for us and then offered this past weekend to bring us more if we need it and was adamant we ask him if we need some.

There has been NO relationship or divorce talk whatsoever.

I am and will continue to be kind to H. I've come this far being this way and can see no reason to stir up any negative feelings at this point in time. Doing so will only serve me badly.

In some earlier posts on this thread, it was mentioned that being friendly and kind (+/- other niceties) to our wayward H's gives them the control over the situation and allows them to eat cake. I have been in deep thought on this issue.

I say NO it does not. My reasons are:

Being kind and nice is a basic human gesture that more people should engage in. I have been mean and nasty, it was hard work! It definitely feels better taking the high road and being kind and nice even in the face of adversity, heck after a while it's actually easy with practice!

Being kind and nice is holding on to control because our H's expect us to behave in the opposite manner. It certainly allows us the control when our expected behavior is mean and b*tchy. In this way they can't say we are the same old girls who haven't changed. We are in control of us and our interactions with them.

To allow them to experience the nice/kind Sanderika, Cas, GAG, Beatrice, etc...(you ladies have the idea here) all the while they have an OW is allowing them to eat cake is false IMO. What it does, is offer them a glimpse into what they had and still have if they would only open their eyes to the truth. In our renewed state, our changed selves, and ladies we are all in this same place, we are a breath of fresh air compared to any of the OW our H's have. Our H's thought the grass would be greener, reality is...it's not. These women are far inferior to us. They are controlling, insecure, untrusting, demanding, immature and loving when they are being pandered to and bought. They are OW!!!! They entered into a relationship with married men, OMG!!!! The first people on their list they don't trust is our H's and we come in at #2. Their entire relationship has been built on lies and deceit and heeellllooooo....CHEATING!!!

If you haven't noticed....this infuriates me!!!

We represent the good and kind and unconditional love that marriage is supposed to be built on. We are the mothers of their children, our homes are home, even when they are trying to run away. IMO our H's know the place in which they belong. They hold back for simple fear and pride. IMO, they are not really trying to control our situations as much as they are trying to survive it, just like us. In their confused states they appear to be controlling, when in reality they are simply filled with doubts every day of their choices and actions.

AND, I believe they do love us. Look at how long they are taking at leaving. They can't decide what the right thing to do is. Had we all chosen different paths and kicked them out of our worlds in the same instance we learned all this cr@p, we would have all been divorced a long time ago and would not be posting here. I have proof in my H's words that he has doubt because....I am once again the girl he fell in love with and that he does love me. None of us would be having positive interactions with our H/XH/STBXH if we were mean and nasty.

All of our H's have a long way to go. We are seeing various stages of MLC in all of them. As the LBS, we are all at different stages in our grief and acceptance. We are all tired and we are all ready for changes. I admit I am scared and lonely. I am still filled with grief over the demise of my marriage even after 5.5 years post bomb. I am enjoying my renewed friendship with my H. It is a bittersweet enjoyment due to the impending divorce and reality of the OW existence.

I will survive this....I have to.....

(((Hugs to you all)))

Sanderika