This Storm Shall Pass

[dolphin_05]

Beatrice, thanks....I am really interested in your thoughts because I can see similarities in our H's.

Perhaps I gave him power by making the call but I was also clear that I was calling to get the settlement underway in the calmest and most rational manner.

I am not high maintenance but as you suggest, a normal human being with normal needs. What I ask from him are common courtesies. He can't/won't/doesn't want to accommodate me in this way so I intend to move along with the focus on me in 2011. This is my year to finally make me the priority and especially my health. I plan to lose weight, increase my fitness, enjoy my new job, finish my study and make plans for travel for 2012. However, I know that I need this settlement to remove this weight and allow me to plan a future out of limbo.

I agree, H is far from cooked and I honestly couldn't be bothered dealing with him except to serve my own purpose of getting finances sorted.

I have given way to much time and energy to H. I love H but I don't really like him.

Thanks Beatrice!!!

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

Thank you so much for your concern for me and for your wishes for my well being. GAG, I truly appreciate your kind words as well, I really can't thank you both enough for your friendship.

I will admit I am not in a very good place.

While I have been reading along on both your threads I have not posted because I am perplexed by some recent activities here. I am mentally preparing for Jan. 13th and am very tearful every time I try and study out what I need to do. I am trying to come up with a logical and well thought out solution to the end of our marriage and what's in the best interest for all concerned, primarily my son's concerns. I have many options and am finding that I am flip-flopping at a rapid rate the closer I get.

Things that have me confused:

H and I have been getting along so well, since about 9/29/10, three weeks after he serves me.

H spends a great deal more time with son over last 3 months than in the previous 61.

H spends Christmas weekend here with us.

H buys me two very lovely gifts. A very unusual gesture, I usually got nothing or something cold-hearted like a shovel.

H texts me on the 28th to remember his mom, it would have been her 69th birthday. First time he did that since he left me 5.5 years ago. His mother's death was a trigger in H MLC.

H sends me flirting and very provocative texts for 2 hours on the evening of the 30th.

H comes for breakfast on the 31st and upon his arrival he kisses me on the lips, takes son for the day and returns and has dinner with us NYE. I had prepared son's favorite and had thought it would only be the 2 of us. I had it all ready when they returned so I invited H to join us. I about fell over when he accepted. I had assumed he and OW had NYE plans. H stayed until about 8pm.
H and OW were spotted at a local club between 10pm and 1am NYE. I know for a fact they spent the whole w-e together.

Other notables:

H and I have had sex 3 times since he had me served (this go around).

H and I have wonderful conversations. H seeks me out for contact in every case. I do not call on H at all, even for son matters.

H feels and makes himself at home here and it is much more obvious than in the past that he is comfortable in our home. H has spent a great deal of time here and sharing our meals since early October.

H has brought things of significance to our home property and left them here in the past 4 months. For example: his snowmobile, 3-4 antique vehicles....

H spent a day this fall cutting up firewood for us and then offered this past weekend to bring us more if we need it and was adamant we ask him if we need some.

There has been NO relationship or divorce talk whatsoever.

I am and will continue to be kind to H. I've come this far being this way and can see no reason to stir up any negative feelings at this point in time. Doing so will only serve me badly.

In some earlier posts on this thread, it was mentioned that being friendly and kind (+/- other niceties) to our wayward H's gives them the control over the situation and allows them to eat cake. I have been in deep thought on this issue.

I say NO it does not. My reasons are:

Being kind and nice is a basic human gesture that more people should engage in. I have been mean and nasty, it was hard work! It definitely feels better taking the high road and being kind and nice even in the face of adversity, heck after a while it's actually easy with practice!

Being kind and nice is holding on to control because our H's expect us to behave in the opposite manner. It certainly allows us the control when our expected behavior is mean and b*tchy. In this way they can't say we are the same old girls who haven't changed. We are in control of us and our interactions with them.

To allow them to experience the nice/kind Sanderika, Cas, GAG, Beatrice, etc...(you ladies have the idea here) all the while they have an OW is allowing them to eat cake is false IMO. What it does, is offer them a glimpse into what they had and still have if they would only open their eyes to the truth. In our renewed state, our changed selves, and ladies we are all in this same place, we are a breath of fresh air compared to any of the OW our H's have. Our H's thought the grass would be greener, reality is...it's not. These women are far inferior to us. They are controlling, insecure, untrusting, demanding, immature and loving when they are being pandered to and bought. They are OW!!!! They entered into a relationship with married men, OMG!!!! The first people on their list they don't trust is our H's and we come in at #2. Their entire relationship has been built on lies and deceit and heeellllooooo....CHEATING!!!

If you haven't noticed....this infuriates me!!!

We represent the good and kind and unconditional love that marriage is supposed to be built on. We are the mothers of their children, our homes are home, even when they are trying to run away. IMO our H's know the place in which they belong. They hold back for simple fear and pride. IMO, they are not really trying to control our situations as much as they are trying to survive it, just like us. In their confused states they appear to be controlling, when in reality they are simply filled with doubts every day of their choices and actions.

AND, I believe they do love us. Look at how long they are taking at leaving. They can't decide what the right thing to do is. Had we all chosen different paths and kicked them out of our worlds in the same instance we learned all this cr@p, we would have all been divorced a long time ago and would not be posting here. I have proof in my H's words that he has doubt because....I am once again the girl he fell in love with and that he does love me. None of us would be having positive interactions with our H/XH/STBXH if we were mean and nasty.

All of our H's have a long way to go. We are seeing various stages of MLC in all of them. As the LBS, we are all at different stages in our grief and acceptance. We are all tired and we are all ready for changes. I admit I am scared and lonely. I am still filled with grief over the demise of my marriage even after 5.5 years post bomb. I am enjoying my renewed friendship with my H. It is a bittersweet enjoyment due to the impending divorce and reality of the OW existence.

I will survive this....I have to.....

(((Hugs to you all)))

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Hi Sanderika,
I've just read your post and my thoughts are with you. I am about to head out now and I need a little more time to respond properly. I'll try to catch up later on today.

(((((Sanderika)))))

[dolphin_05]

Thank you so much for your concern for me and for your wishes for my well being.

These wishes have always been returned by you tenfold. You are very generous in your support of others.

I will admit I am not in a very good place.

Sorry to her that and I hope this will change very soon. My thoughts and prayers have been with you.

I am trying to come up with a logical and well thought out solution to the end of our marriage and what's in the best interest for all concerned, primarily my son's concerns. I have many options and am finding that I am flip-flopping at a rapid rate the closer I get.

I can understand your dilemma and the confusion especially given your recent interactions with H. In your list of notables were lots of really positive interactions with you and your son. They were quite significant changes and it seems that H is testing the waters more fully. However, as he has already acknowledged he is still totally confused and as you know ow is still present.It seems essential to me then that in your preparations you keep you and S as your focus and priority. You can do this without destroying H, keeping with your plan to remain generous in spirit towards him.

There has been NO relationship or divorce talk whatsoever.

However, we know that with an MLCer this can change overnight.

I am and will continue to be kind to H. I've come this far being this way and can see no reason to stir up any negative feelings at this point in time. Doing so will only serve me badly.

Agreed. I have stated before that I will always aim to take the high road but still looking after me and D as I go.

H's confusion and changing behaviours obviously impacts on you as well as the fountain of emotion that you have developed over so many years.I feel your pain and confusion and can only wish you my continued prayers and support from afar as you prepare. please keep in touch.

(((((Hugs)))))

[dolphin_05]

Hi is continuing in his positive interactions with D. There have been occasional invites. I must say he does this reconnection stuff quite well. He slowly issues the invites and makes occasional contact via text to begin and then phone. Today he bought D some of her favourite apples.

A package came for me yesterday to our P.O. box and H delivered it straight away but he called D to tell her.

So yesterday I decided to text H to ask if he could help again with swimming. I was becoming so exhausted with the training regime. He said yes and then emailed me the times he could help for the remainder of this week and next. Yay!

H called about the swimming schedule and we chatted briefly. I had to ask him to do something for D as i have a medical appointment re a new but related health issue. I must say he was very caring and supportive.

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

I don't know how you do it!!!! Your H has you on a real rollercoaster ride. He obviously is confused. You are one strong lady!

From your post it sounds like something has clicked with H in that he is working harder on his R with D. Do you have any ideas what prompted that?

Glad that H is helping to share the work with your D's swim schedule.

I intend to move along with the focus on me in 2011. This is my year to finally make me the priority and especially my health.

Cas, it IS a relief to feel less emotionally attached to our Hs/XHs, isn't it? I can see this in your posts and I am feeling it in myself too. It removes the fear. We mourn the loss of what could have been (a M R with integrity and commitment) but the actions of our Hs/XHs make it impossible to deny that they are definitely having mental health problems. Sometimes I feel very dissociated from this experience ---- it amazes me that my XH can't see what I see and others close to him see so clearly.

Thinking of you.

GAG

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

I forgot to add................your MIL is a real trip!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIL phoned last night to wish us a happy new year. She chatted happily. I deliberately added H's name to the conversation twice but of course didn't speak about current issues.

GAG

[goodattitudegirl]

Sanderika,

I was just writing a long post to you and for some reason it just disappeared. Ughhh!!!!!

I will try to write tomorrow after work, but in the meantime I want you to know that I am thinking of you and saying prayers for you.

((((((Sanderika))))))))

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Your H has you on a real rollercoaster ride. He obviously is confused.

Is he confused or am I on this rollercoaster on my own?

From your post it sounds like something has clicked with H in that he is working harder on his R with D. Do you have any ideas what prompted that?

No idea but I think this is just more of the same old, same old. Gets closer and closer and blows up which allows him to back off. Then he comes back but he is back at ground level and has to build again. It seems he goes a little bit further each time.

This time the blow up was from his guilt. He said he was working to cover up that he was really going to a concert with ow. (That would have cost a lot and he is giving me limited child support.) When he was found out he tried to move the focus from him to D and to me. Then he accused me of being overly demanding and said he's had enough of me and refused to communicate. This gave him space. Now he's ok again because the focus is off his poor behaviour and I guess he sees the ground is level and he can start to build all over again. However, this time I'm not as receptive.

Thanks GAG,

Cas

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

You and H are riding on the same rollercoaster.

If you think about it your emotions are basically the same towards each other, just not quite in sync.

I think that each time he has run away he distances himself for shorter periods of time. He wants reconnection back to you and uses D to get there. The saddest part is he has D on the same ride.

I am pleased that he is coming around and has agreed to help you with the swim schedule. This will soften D's heart as she gets to spend alone time with Dad. He will manage to accomplish what he wants here because he knows her weaknesses.

IMO, H has to reconnect with D. He feels worse emotionally when they are on the outs. He truly loves her and in reality can't stand it when they are estranged. He comes creeping back to her slowly.....tests the waters......until she accepts him back.

This same thing happens between you and H. When H throws a tantrum like he just did, he hurts so emotionally that he has to fix it. If H would face reality, he would see that he wants to be in your life.

IMO, most OW exist only serving a purpose to the MLC state of being (lust, ego boosts, selfishness, freedom from responsibilities, etc...). For those lucky individuals who are actually able to overcome their MLC, the OW are the first ugly thing they see. Unfortunately once they see the beauty in us/families we have given up and are no longer a place they can return to. Most will then move on to another.

An advantage to having endured a long term separation is that our wayward have proof from our actions that we have been the better place to be all along. As I am seeing, even though things are actually very good, H is not ready to come out of MLC Land. I fear H is one of those who have found a new place to be and is actually very content, thus a drawback for a long term separation. The sword is actually double-edged.

GAG mentioned a M License is just a piece of paper. I agree, however a D decree is too and comes with such a painful price I have to wonder if the R, even as friendship, can sustain the damages. I am going to have to think on this long and hard. I am disgusted that I am actually faced with a D knowing how far H and I have come. I am disgusted by the fact the OW is still in his life. I feel I will completely bow out of his world after next week due to my inability to move on......

Sanderika