Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

As I expected, the first planning period H gets on his first day back to work, he emails this. I just want advice.

"Just to clarify, I have not received the "Notice of Hearing" from the Family Court yet. I wasn't sure what form you were referring to in your text. I realized this after I sent my reply but I wasn't in a position to clarify. I will check with the Family Court and make sure there are no problems. Also, please don't mistake my answer of "immediately" as one of enthusiasm. I thought about how it might have sounded later. I am not celebrating our divorce. I can only assume that the delay is due to the holiday season.

Did you cash my check for the pump repair yet? it hasn't shown up on my statement. If not can you please do so? I need to assess where I am at financially.

My lawyer has our 403B statements and I am awaiting his reply. Have you made any moves towards refinancing the house yet?

If you are up to it sometime we need to sit down and divide up the cds and xbox games. I'm sure I took things you want and vise versa.

I hope you enjoyed your holidays and are still enjoying your break. I went back to work today.

Take care"

The text he refers to is one I sent on Dec. 31st. It was the first Ive contacted him in a month or more and all I said was why is the divorce not final yet. We were supposed to be divorced in Dec. but I guess Family Court is really backed up or something, because if he didnt' even receive the notice of hearing yet, then they didn't even inform him the divorce was trial ready.

Don't take hope from the fact that we aren't divorced yet. I am 100% sure he will proceed with it. He has never wavered, and as you can see, he's doing the legal stuff that ends the financial ties too.

What I want advice on is whether to reply to him or not. My instinct was to reply and say that I wanted the divorce to be final because every minute of every day that we aren't divorced I feel even further betrayed, that him leaving in June didn't mean the betrayal ended then, that the betrayal continues with every day he spends with her while we are still married. I also wanted to say he had 7 months to separate the cds and video games with me and I offered several times to do it, and he refused, and that his window was closed. That I don't want to see him ever again, that I don't want him in my house, and that I'm through.

I'm afraid to see him. I know that I've been able to keep a lid on depression and grief, only letting it out in bits and pieces, by being dark and by not seeing him. I'm afraid for it all to come back. I don't think I can sit in my house with him to divide up cds and games and not lose it, and I don't want him to know I still have feelings for him. I'm tired of him getting the love of the OW and MY love for him. It's bad enough that I cannot make my feelings for him go away, but I'll be damned if he gets to walk away from me knowing that I still care to the level I do. He doesn't deserve it. HE DOESN'T!

His guilt over the fact that he is still hurting me does nothing to give him a wake up call or make him come back. All it does is feed his ego. I'm tired of feeding his ego. I just keep thinking, he doesn't get to win this one, but he is winning, at least in terms of having the love of 2 women at the same time, when I don't have the love of the one man who professed to love me for life.

So then what do I do? Do I email back and lay the betrayal stuff on him and tell him I don't want to see him ever again? That's the truth. I don't waver on that anymore. That's my feeling for like a month now. I dont see that changing for a very long time.

Or do I ignore his entire email on the grounds that none of the questions he asks are things he NEEDS answers to.

What do you think?