LRT and Christmas

[barbsing1]

Sandi - I spoke with him more yesterday about the weekend situation. We decided on the weekends I choose not to go anywhere that he would get to spend a Saturday or Sunday with the kids here at home. I can keep myself busy for a day. He also suggested that while we should keep the visitation consistent that we could also "roll with it". He said it should be fine for me to be in the house when he is here - said it wouldn't be much different than it is now. I explained I felt he wouldn't get quality time with the kids because they generally are drawn to me when we are both here at home. He didn't seem to concerned about this. I came home from church yesterday - his last day here at home with the kids - only to find them upstairs watching TV and him downstairs watching football. I just don't get it.

We had planned to talk to the kids about him leaving early afternoon yesterday. He didn't initiate it until almost 5pm. The kids both reacted as expected - my son pretended not to be concerned and kept playing with his train. My daughter became upset, telling him she didn't want her daddy to leave. That she didn't want him to go move in with his friend (an acquaintance from work). We managed to get through it and then all had dinner. He read them a book, said prayers, tucked them in and then started gathering some of his things. He didn't take much - some bedding, towels, clothing. Most everything is still in his drawers and closet. I was doing laundry right before he left and he accused me of getting into his luggage in his trunk because his kit was not in the luggage but on the floor of the trunk (had left it from his trip to the bowl game). I didn't even know what to say and was really quite annoyed. I know I have snooped in the past - I guess that gives him a right to be suspicious. But he has continued to blame me for things I have not done and have not said - I mean really stupid things - like throwing away his car insurance card. And now going through his dirty clothing in his luggage. Based upon my reaction, he said "Well - I must have taken it out myself at some point". I just nodded and went about my business. He continued to reiterate throughout the day that we were just taking a break. I would continue to agree when he said this. He also was affectionate at times during the day. And we hugged when he left. He will be back tonight to get the kids to bed (as per our Monday/Wednesday schedule).

On New Year's Eve - I prayed to God to remove my anger and my blaming nature. To allow me to have forgiveness in my heart, knowing full well that God would take care of the rest. I felt peace when I awoke on the 1st. I went to church yesterday and the sermon was so pertinent to our situation - it was about the Prodigal son and how God has given us free choice - that we can make our own decisions but must also reap the results of those decisions, good or bad. God, in whatever way we understand Him, is always calling us back to Him. When he stray, it pains Him. When we return, He rejoices and throws a party. And so again - I felt even more of myself releasing control of this situation and putting it in the hands of God after this sermon.

Kids had some problems last night - they just weren't able to comprehend that daddy wasn't going to be here in the morning when they woke up. My D continued to say that she wanted her daddy - that she wanted two people in the house while she slept - that she didn't want daddy to live somewhere else. I comforted her, told her I understood and told her I felt the same way but that we were all safe and that both she and her brother were loved by mommy and daddy. My S said "We have to get a new daddy now - someone who will stay with us". I reflected back to him but did tell him he only had one daddy and that daddy would come to see he and his sister a lot. I finally calmed them down and they slept mostly peacefully the rest of the night.

I cried last night - but it was for my children and their confusion. The decisions being made by H, in my opinion, are unnecessary and will cause our children great pain. But you know what - I still have hope. In my quiet moments, I hear a voice telling me to stay the course - to take advantage of this "break" and to not be afraid anymore.