It is a grueling situation at times, but when the rewards come it makes you feel like you are on the right track. But I hate having the need to to measure/analyze every bit of affection or non affection what ever the case may be. It's funny when the marriage is just flowing along, you don't even think about these things. Maybe we should.
Take Sunday morning for example. I suggested that she take our 4-year old to a movie. She really like the idea. Before she left I was standing in the kitchen and she came right over to me and gave me a kiss and a hug totally out of the blue. But then that evening I came down stairs and she was doing something and totally ignored me. (she later apologized for being b*tchy) Talk about confusing.
As for I just spent some time this morning taking stock of my situation. The good, the bad, the worried, misc.
For some reason, I'm really concerned on backsliding on my hard work. It really scares me that I could just go back. Taking stock on my changes/goals really helped me.
A big part of my problem is something I have NO CONTROL over (none of us do) I can control my reaction, but I can't control the thing.
It is my dreams - like when I'm sleeping. I have always been a vivid dreamer. Since we ML last Wednesday (I found out she was also up for in on NYE, if I hadn't gotten pissy) I've had three nights of dreams about the OM. The first was that I ran into him somewhere and confronted him. He was afraid I was going to beat him up, but we ended up talking. Then the other night I had a dream that she had pay-as-you-go cell phone that she didn't tell me about so she could talk to him without me checking our phone bill. I also dreamt that she was talking to him a lot. Last night, I think I had a dream where I saw them having lunch or something (it was work related in my dream)
Each dream dredged up old feelings of hurt/betrayal. When I awoke I felt bad (but didn't let W know) Darn it.
I know she doesn't feel the same for him now. She told me that she saw him at a meeting a few weeks ago and didn't even sit by him. She said that he was different to her. She said she was in a "fog" during that time and the person that she was attracted to doesn't exists. He was something she built up while in the "fog."
I dunno, the there is really only one way back. That's the path I have to stay on.
I don't mean to hijack your thread with where I am SBH, but I like to post here since I think our situations are similar (but at different stages)
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
