TAMF's Christmas Miracle?

[TAMF]

update - a lot has happened in the last 3 days. Pain and hope. This is going to be long, so bare with me.

On NYE I KNEW my H was with the OW. No text messages, no calls and I knew he wasnt at work. I had plans with our friends for the evening. I sent him a text that said:

I know you are with her, I can feel it. my heart is breaking, and funny thing is I didn't think my heart could break any more. please don't text me and tell me to relax. I am calm, not tears no emotion.

He immediately called me. He admitted that he had been with her during the day, but wasn't with her now. I asked him if he broke it off with her like he said he would, and he said no. I started crying and I was furious. I hung up on him. he called me back and I said that I didn't want to see him until he broke it off with her. He said, "I can't come over tomorrow like we planned?" I said something like - what do you want me to do? I can't do this anymore. You are killing me all over again.

While we were talking, I was driving in freezing rain. It was horrible. My H said he was on his way to the house, and I said don't bother, I am already on my way to friends house. He was intantly worried because I was so upset. He asked me to pull over, and I did. I pulled into a gas station. He said that he had told me this was going to be really hard but he WAS going to break it off and he promised not to drag it out. I didn't say anything for a long time. and he said, "TAMF, I LOVE YOU" Emphasizing each word. I started to ball and mumbled that I loved him so much. He then said that he wanted to come over and see me the next day and we would talk. I said ok.

At this point, I could have easily caved to my misery, but I didn't. I went into the bathroom at the gas station. Cleaned my face up and went to my friends house determined not to let him ruin my New Years Eve.

I had a blast that night with all of my friends. I put him out of my mind and had a wonderful time.

Saturday H came over to the house at 6am. The girls had spent the night at a hotel with my brother and his family. We talked and held each other for a long time. We watched tv and cuddled. We talked about our future and the steps we would put in place to make our relationship work. We talked about communication, trust issues, priorities, the girls, finances. We talked about how difficult it was going to be when he broke it off with the OW. The withdrawl he would have to go through and it wasn't going to be pleasant for either of us. He told me that he would talk to his mom on his birthday (which was the next day)! He has not spoken to his mom since he found out about his real father. This was a BIG step for him. All of it so incredible. He just asked me to be a little more patient with him. This was really difficult for him, but he was determined.

He spent the night on Saturday, slept out on the couch with on our youngest D. In the middle of the night he came into the bedroom and just cuddled with me for about an hour (no sex, I swear)and then he kissed me and said he needed to get back out to the couch so our D wouldn't know he was gone.

Sunday was his birthday. I had gotten him really nice presents. wrapped them in birthday wrapping paper (not Christmas paper like he normally gets from everyone). My H and I went downstairs and lifted wieghts and exercised together. Then he wanted to go to the bluff to go hiking, but I didn't want to go because of the ice. He came back to the house 2 hours later.

He needed something at his apartment, and I asked if I could go with him. He said absolutely. I have never seen his apt. We took a nice long backroads drive to his apt. and talked again about plans for the future. He was so positive and so SANE. This was my Husband again, yet better.

I grilled new york strips and made crap stuffed mushrooms for dinner. We watched our beloved Chicago Bears loose to the stupid Green Bay Packers.

After the game, I asked him if he was spending the night. He said yes. He fell asleep on the lazy boy. I went into my bedroom to put some laundry away.

This is when my world collapsed again.

He had put his cell phone in a tennis shoe in his closet. I heard it vibrate with a text message. I picked it up and read his text messages...

From his text messages to the OW I realized he had gone to the bar where she worked after he had hiked the bluff. He had said to her that he was sorry he didn't get to see her for very long but that he was glad he got to see her. Then in another message he said - I love you baby.

I crashed to the floor and started crying. I then got up, went into the family room woke him up and gave him his cell phone and told him that he had a text message. I walked away and went into my room - slammed the door. He followed me. I was hysterical. I started hitting him on the chest(not hard, and mind you he is frigging HUGE so I couldn't hurt him if I tried)I said, "after everything that we talked about this weekend, everything that has been said, you text her that you love her?!" He was holding me up I was in such horrible shape. He kept saying, "where am I right now? where am I right now? I am here with you. I will end this with her. It is over. Look at me! It is over." Then he kept saying how sorry he was. This was so hard for him, but he knows what he wants to do and he will end it with her and then it will just be me and him and the girls. He started crying too. A man I have seen cry 3 times in 20 years.

He was holding me tightly while I was crying when the girls came into the bedroom to say goodnight. I couldn't lift my head out of H's chest, I couldn't let them see me like that. They were really worried and upset. They left the room. A little later, after I calmed down, I went and took a shower. both girls came into the bathroom so very worried about me. I told them that sometimes it was just hard but I was okay. They said okay but were skeptical.

I went into my room and my H was still in the bed. He said he couldn't leave me and was going to stay with me. He held me tightly all night long. niether one of us slept at all. I would turn away from him and he would grab me and pull me to his chest and say that he needed to hold me. He kept whispering that he loved me and would gently kiss my face and lips. He just kept saying how sorry he was for hurting me. That we are ALMOST THERE, just hold on a little bit more. Please don't give up now when we are so close. He would end it - he promised.

So here I am, so heartbroken, yet still hopeful. Am I stupid? am I doing the right thing? Should I be kicking his butt all the way to the lawyer? I don't think I have ever been so confused in this whole time. I WANT TO BELEIVE HIM. But the text messages don't lie. He had told me since July that he loved her. I knew this, but to text it to her after a day that we had together that I thought was so special...

I guess I will stay still for a moment longer - do nothing for a moment longer.

But my moment won't last very long.