IB please don't beat yourself up over this. The situation is not of your making. Brooklyn says some sensible things. I would add that we are allowed to be human. Until you are fully detached he will find ways of getting to you.
Remember with these people it is their actions that count. If he genuninely wants an r with your son his actions will show it. If it is just words in response to how he woke up feeling the world should be on that fine day [as it so often is, sadly] then all of it will soon be forgotten, including anything you said.
Except that sometimes what we say goes in, like a shaft of sunlight penetrating a dark forest! There is a bit of them that realises what they are doing.
I am not sure that anything we do or say to them, except in the very final stages, really changes anything. There is a DBing view here, which I completely understand, that we can somehow 'save' our marriage. With MLC I am not sure. There seems to be no rhyme or reason about who comes out of it. Because it is actually about them, and how they handle this.
There have been some wonderful people on these boards over the years whose spouses stayed stuck, and other great success stories. Of course we think the successes did something 'right'. They certainly displayed great patience and compassion, but their other actions? There doesn't seem to be a magic bullet
One thing I regret is that I spent too much time hoping my h would wake up, and come back. Now I do not really think about it, or consider it a possibility, but for a very very long time the hope is there, and it sustains us, so I wouldn't wish it away.
If he doesn't wake up you will be OK, I promise, more than OK. It takes time, and although we can do things to help ourselves grow, we cannot will ourselves entirely out of our feelings of loss and grief. But they will pass, even if it seems forever. One day you will look back at all of this mess, and see the pattern in it for you. Success isn't only a restored marriage, as you know.
