Need advice and support to keep hope

[Denver_2010]

Thank you SG for your support and encouragement.

Here is the update of the telephone conversation. I think that I messed up bc I got drawn into R talk. I don't think that it went well either. W seems intent on Legal Separation. Though I'm not sure why she seems focused on that rather than full Divorce. Any ideas? Anyone?

Sorry that this is kind of stream of conscience, but I journaled it as soon as I got off of the phone so that I could remember as much as possible. It was a 40 minute conversation:

We began by dealing with issue of me taking step son to hockey game... I told W that I miss ss and just want to see him. I said that I think that SS misses me. W agrees. I told W that I have no interest in talking to him about our M situation. W said she doesn't want him to get wrong impression (referring to possibility of us getting back together) by me seeing him and is afraid it may be hard on him. W also expresses concern that I will "talk sh*t" about her to SS. I told of course I would not do that. Ultimately W agrees to let me take him to game.

W then asks me what I plan to do about M debt, how much we owe, how much I pay monthly... I told her that I haven’t put much thought into it bc i have been focused on dealing with my issues that contributed to her leaving.... W asks me about filing for Legal Separation... I told her that I wasn’t going to do it bc it is not what I want, that I don’t think that it is right, that marriage vows important to me, that I am choosing to fight for M and not the easy way out (D or LS), I told her that if we ultimately go in direction of D or LS, that I planned to remove myself from process as much as possible and would let my attorney handle all debt stuff. I referred to my attorney using attorneys name.

she got mad, asks me if I slept w attorney, I said 'no' of course not, W says that I'm going to try and screw her over, I said ‘no’ that I just want to make sure that we’re both taken care of fairly if D or LS happens. I explain that I understand that she is concerned, and why she is worried about that, but that I just haven't put any thought into any of these issues bc I do not want D or LS. So I couldn't give her answers to her questions.

She asks me why my attorney can’t file for legal separation, I told her that she could, but that I wasn’t going to have atty do that and reiterated that it is bc I don’t want D or LS. W accuses me of being the same now as in past, that I put my own concerns over her's and SS's. I said that isn't true. She asks me why then do I need attorney, why am I putting up roadblocks to LS. I said that wasn't my intent, that I simply don't want LS.

W says that she doesn’t see how M can be fixed. Can’t see it ever being comfortable again. She goes into how she has thought a lot about our history, how we were arguing at all occasions that she thought of, how we should not have got married in first place that we both knew at time that we shouldn’t. I explained that I disagreed, that I knew that I wanted to marry her, that I think she is forgetting all good times that we have had, that I thought that we didn’t have the proper help to make our marriage successful, that I know the past year has been really bad, that I know that I messed up, that I realize now that I was depressed, that I needed help, and that I caused a lot of damage to our M.

W says that I chose to leave M long before she did, I disagreed and said that I never physically left, that I never left M in my heart or my mind, that I was always proud that she was my W. I reiterated that I understand why she feels like she does, that I messed up, that I was depressed and just didn’t see it.

W says that she told me that I was depressed and I told her that she was crazy. I agreed with her and said that the reason that I see it now and didn't back when she told me, is that her leaving has been a devastating to me and caused me to reflect on my actions and my life. I explained that I was so caught up in our financial problems and security, tryinig to make sure that we would be financially taken care of now and when we are old and gray that I let myself become depressed, irritable and it cause damage to M. That I made huge mistake in trying to shield her from financial stuff bc sharing it would have been good for me and M.

W told me that she has learned a lot during Separation... that she is good person and easy to love (referring to me not treating her well)... I told her that I know that, that she is wonderful person, that I wouldn’t be fighting tooth and nail to save M if I didn’t believe that.

I told her that I had to go to sleep bc big day tomorrow and ended conversation.