Need advice and support to keep hope

[Denver_2010]

The right "AS IF" attitude comes from imagining that she would think their is hope. When you assume the worst, you behave accordingly and create the worst.

Thanks SG. I do use the "As If" technique when I do have contact with W, for the most part I think. I wish that I could truly believe that there is hope, but I haven't seen many signs that give me real hope. I think that i am still early in the process though (W dropped bomb 2 months ago and left 1 month ago). I am practicing patience while trying to buy as much time as possible. Things may yet turn around. All of this is truly hard stuff! One of my biggest issues is not giving up altogether. I guess my love for my W and step son and trying to live up to my own principles by staying true to my M vows is what keeps me going. But man, there are times, each and every day, where I am just not a big fan of my W and the choices that she is making.

Detach: can mean completely separate and go another direction, and it can just mean stop being so attached. It means various things to various people. The problem with this advice is if being detached was the problem to begin with, this can be disastrous advice. Pulling back is good advice for you, completely detaching is not good advice for you.

Drop the rope: It means: stop doing the work in the relationship. It has been interpreted as move on. Either way, this is not good advice for you. You need to be ready to do work as your coach has described.

I think that you are correct. Being detached from my W and family during M is the reason that I find myself here. These are the very things that I beat myself up for on a daily basis. So maybe I need to stop using that word when describing what I am trying to do. At the same time, trying to be somewhat detached from W and her choices is the only thing keeping me from worrying about what she is doing with OM and what she is thinking about M. It is the only thing keeping me from being completely depressed and despondent over sitch. Maybe what I am doing should fall in line with your second definition of detached, i.e., not being so attached? Can I accomplish not being so attached while also not being so detached that I validate the very reason my W left our M?? Again, tough stuff.

I have pulled back a lot from W. Letting her have the space and time that she wants. Letting her do what it is she thinks that she needs to right now. Not bringing up OM and the pain that her betrayal brings me each and every day. I don't initiate contact at all. W initiated contact 6 out of 8 days before and after xmas, but now haven't heard from her in 4 days. This is very discouraging and makes me wonder WTF is going on in her head! But I am following the no initiating contact idea bc it is what my DB Coach advised. Again, can I pull back this much and not make my W feel that I am doing the exact thing that caused her to be unhappy in M? At the same time, she is the one that left and asked for space from M. Is this space going to cause whatever feeling for me that are left over to diminish and ultimately disappear completely? AHHHHHH!!! Frustrating.

Validating: When you are validating, you are not actually validating feelings. You are validating that she is important, and therefore you care what her feelings are. Agreeing or disagreeing isn't the issue, her feelings are what they are. Just listen to her experience and work to understand it. Don't worry about voicing your disagreement. That comes IF SHE ASKS. And IF SHE ASKS, you simply say no. And drop it. That was another piece of advice I received from Michele back in the day. It served me very well.

So if she contacts me and tells me that she wants to proceed with D and she would like me to file with her and pay for filing fee bc she is broke, I should simply say 'no' and move on from conversation about D or end conversation altogether? I don't think that she will drop it so easily.

Validating her wish to proceed with D (IF that is what she communicates)"

"W I understand that you feel this way and respect those feelings. I understand that our M was not good the last 10 months, but still believe that it can be fixed and that we can have a great M. I do not want D and am not going to file or pay for it to be filed."

How's that?

How does everyone feel about me providing W with my divorce attorneys name and address to accept service for me IF W elects to file?? This will scare W, even though she knows taht I have contact an attorney, but I feel that I want to remove myself as much as possible from D process if things move in that direction.

As you described, you have a lot of fear. Don't. Trust in the love that you have. Trust in what you have shared. Trust in the skills you are building.


What do you use in your job or hobby to center yourself when you are afraid?

Yes. Lots of fear. I simply don't want to lose W and SS. Over the past several weeks of I have done a lot of reflecting on M, my W, and myself with IC and just on my own time. I no longer place 100% of blame for M failure on myself. My W had a lot to do with it. At some point bw us meeting 8 years ago and now, she changed from sweet, appreciative woman, into bitter, harsh and unappreciative woman. I don't want W back like this. We both need to forgive one another, put the past behind us, and change what we bring to M on a daily basis. And I BELIEVE that this can happen!! Therein lies the problem... I believe it. She doesn't even get it, let alone believe that things can be fixed. I don't know if she ever will.

SG - I don't have many hobbies per se. I have been trying to learn how to have fun in life again. I think that I got so far caught up in our financial security and worries that I got depressed and forgot how to enjoy life. I am trying to relearn. I have been spending a lot of time with friends and family. Going out again. going back to gym as of tomorrow. trying to learn not to take work stress home with me. Letting go of life's worries a little more. I come here when I get sad or afraid, and/or I focus on being in the present moment, i.e. think to myself that there is nothing in the present moment causing me pain or making life unpleasant. I try to remember that I am in control of my own actions, my W's choices are not mine and I do not own them. That I will be happy again regardless of how this turns out. But that I need to go through this process and not run from the vows that I made to my W and the love that I still feel for her. This is a choice that I am making for me... for the integrity that I feel that I have as a person... so that I never have to look back and say that I didn't fight for my M.