New to this community seeking advice 2

[WCW]

d1, I am sorry that after one year you gave up on your M. IMO, unless the WAS is driving the D wagon and you have to react to protect yourself - there are far too many people that give up too quickly. It's too easy in this world to try a quick fix and say 'oh well, I did what I could.' It takes longer to fix a M than it did for it to go bad.

Had I listened to the many people that told me I had tried long enough and I should file and move on I would be D now. Instead, my H is slowly making his way back to the life we had created, and the life I kept moving forward while he was....

Sorry for the hijack.

JR, you're getting great advice from Michelle. Go slow.
How do you eat and elephant? one piece at a time.

[JR09]

Today was a milestone for me.

In my religious tradition, fathers can baptize their sons when the son turns 8. My W insisited on me performing the baptism. Which I did in her hometown, her chapel. Today, I saw her dad and mom again in over 2 years. Her brother was there as well. In any case, this is the first time I saw the In-Laws again since my W left me. They were very offstandish, which is what I expected. I guess they were just very protective of their daughter.

I did the baptism and recognized several church people I knew. I was very friendly to all, shook hands all around, even shook MIL's hand to her great surprise. And my W's brother in law even came over to me to shake my hand as I was saying my goodbies to the boys. It really sounds insignificant but my BIL and I never really got along. So for him to fo out of his way to say Hi really surprised me.

Well, Overall, the baptism went really well. This lady came up and asked if she could take a family picture of my W, our Boys and I. To my surprise, my W had no problem with it and asked me to join along. I was the one feeling awkward. I wasn't sure anymore what to do, what was the right thing, wrong thing, etc.

In any case, today was a milestone, with all of my W's family watching me closely. The Boys sat by me which was very comforting. Our goodbyes were still tough, but this time, I hope to see them in a week, or a couple of weeks. Definitely in less than month. Which is much much better than 3-4 months at a time when I lived in CO.

I'm OK now.

Joel

[WCW]

JR, so glad you had a 'high' day! Good for you for taking the high road with your MIL and BIL, and good interaction all around.

Those kinda days go a long ways to staying the course.

Where did you end up finding an apartment?

[JR09]

WCW,

Thanks for chiming in. I actually got an offer from a family to stay with them in their furnished basement. When I was with the boys, we got this phone call out of nowhere from this family who wanted to have us over for dinner. A very close friend of mine actually called the family and told them about our circumstances. And that's how I got the call. We had dinner with them and had a great evening. The mom and the dad extended their offer to have me stay with them.

I am not sure yet, but I think I'm going to take it. I just got used to be alone for 2+years that I am not too sure about living with other people other than my own. But It's close enough to my wife's hometown, which means close to the boys. And that's what matters. So I will more than likely take the offer. Besides, it would actually be more beneficial to stay with friendly people who have a big heart, and are willing to help.

I had a tough night and tough day today just recovering from my son's baptism, the time I had with the boys, etc. Suddenly, it's back to being on my own again. Got me down. But I am looking forward to another day tomorrow and getting to know this new family..

God sure works in mysterious ways...

Joel

[MichelleLT]

Very cool about the baptism. Good for you, taking the mature and kind road with your W's family.

And also super cool about the place to stay! It's amazing what opportunities there are when we keep an open mind and heart.

Try and get out and not think about being alone right now. It's only temporary. Pretty soon you'll be seeing a lot more of your boys!

[WCW]

Hey Jr, any updates?

[JR09]

WCW,

Hi there. I am staying for now with this family, about 20 miles away from my W and boys. Called W today about our visitation plan. I asked her how we are going to work this out and asked for her input.

Since my W and I are not officially divorced or separated, what would be a fair visitation schedule that I could have with the boys? I understand there may be several ways to do this: every other weekend, every week, etc. I don't know what the right answer would be. What would you suggest?

Joel

[WCW]

Are you able to keep them overnight where you are staying? and are you set up for that? Can you get them to school during the week?
Figure out what's fair for the kids, you, and her. Everyone should win.

[JR09]

The family I stay with for now has enough room to accomodate the boys when they come over to stay. I'm still 20 miles out from their school, so that part is trickier. But like you said, it will all work out when everybody wins.

Boys know I'm here now so they also know I will be with them more often. W is supposed to call me back so we can come up with a decent visitation plan. No news yet.

Joel

[MichelleLT]

That's great that you have enough space for the boys there. Sounds like a pretty neat, albeit temporary, setup.

As for the S or D. Official doesn't matter. Fair is about the same as if you were D or legally S. Even though you don't want the D, the fact is you are S, and the boys need time with both parents. I have a buddy who has 50/50 custody with his ex. And I have friends who have every other weekend. It depends on who is home and can be home (e.g. if she is a SAHM vs you both work) and what you can agree on.

So, look at the practical considerations. Can you take them Thurs after school-Mon morn every other week? Could you take them for a whole week and alternate? Or just weekends? If you can only take them weekends, would she be amenable to 3 weekends a month or only every other one?

Fair is what you make it. Fair is somewhere between what you had when you were living in different states and you having them all the time.

What do you want? And be more specific than "more time with my kids." Ask for it, but be open to negotiations.

E.g. I could like to pick them up Thursday after school and have them through the weekend, then drop them off at school Monday morning and you can pick them up after school. (Or would exchanging them at her parents' house (I think I recall her living with family of some sort) work better?) Then ask her, what do you think?

You probably don't have the exact same idea of fair. So be flexible. Take her school schedule into account. Take your work schedule (and current vacation time :-)) into account too. You can always renegotiate in a month or two.

But don't settle for less than every other weekend IMHO. And ask for first baby-sitting rights (if she is doing something or going somewhere during her time with the kids, you get first dibs on taking them before she leaves them with other family or gets a baby-sitter) and agree to call her first if you need someone to watch the kids if that's what she wants. The more flexible and cooperative you can both be about this, the smoother and better it will be for the kids.

And whatever you decide, get it in writing of some kind (your W has not been vindictive like a lot of WASs on here, but having the visitation schedule in writing and somewhat established will be useful if things backslide). If you work it out over the phone, send an e-mail saying "just to confirm what we discussed," then lay it out.