Separated for 11 weeks (long)...

[thatgirl007]

So, H did come for NYE. He walked in the door at 11:59pm. I think he wanted to be the center of my attention with the guessing, "Is he coming? Isn't he?" If he only knew that he's pretty much always got my full attention. I'll keep that little tidbit of knowledge to myself, I think.

So, he came and we had a good night and a really good Saturday. He stayed all day, we teased and wrestled and ML a few times and just were like teenagers. Lots of cuddling and joking around. I think he may have squeezed two or three serious moments out of me, but I kept things firmly in the light and fun territory. It struck me that I really do love him to pieces, but I can't see how we're going to get to a great M from this point. I can't even see how him living here again would work, although we did just fine for 12 years.

Oh, well. Sometimes, you're not supposed to see how things are going to work out, right? "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen." Right? Well, time will tell. Time, time, time.

Now, for me, it feels really good to turn the page to 2011. I didn't make any resolutions this year but I did really dig deep and try to determine what areas of my life I want to improve or change or focus on this year - and I determined that this year, I want to get healthier/lose weight and I want to write more. I love, love, love my job and am really invested in my career. But on the side, I write fiction and have published a fair bit. The last 2-3 years, I've been so wrapped up in my mom's illness and subsequent death and my marital problems, that I have not had the time, energy or motivation to focus on these two important areas.

2011 is about me. Not in a selfish way, but in a self-caring way. By the time the clock strikes midnight on Janurary 1, 2012, I want to be able to look back on this year and have accomplished something healthwise and really dedicated a significant amount of my free time to writing for the fans of mine who have waited so patiently for new work from me. I think focusing on these two areas will set me up for a firm foundation for 2012 and beyond. Focusing on my health and losing weight will help me to resolve those nagging and twinging feelings of guilt that linger when I think about my H, too. If 2011 or 2012 bring reconciliation, I will be positioned to make significant changes in my M. If it brings D, I will be positioned to move forward on my best footing. Win-Win, right?

I'll be back with more soon enough, I'm sure!