Need advice and support to keep hope

[Denver_2010]

Okay... I want to try and be proactive about some things that I feel may happen over the next several weeks. So I need some guidance.

The last time W and I had R talk, she insisted that she was sure about wanting D. We left that talk with 'well nothing needs to be decided now'. That was a little over a month ago. As far as I know, W has not changed her position on this. I do not know if her stance has hardened or softened. Obviously, I hope that it has softened and that she is questioning her position on D, but I have nothing that would lead me to be optimistic that this is the case. In fact, her words lead me to believe that she probably has not softened, but I'm trying not to believe anything that she says.

Anyway, I want to be prepared if/when she contacts me to talk about filing for D. In past conversations, she has wanted me to go to court and file with her. She will probably also ask me to pay the filing fee bc she is broke. I do not want divorce. I have been working with DB Coach who told me to NOT help her at all with filing for divorce, to let her do all of the work, and to let any bad news about a D, if filed, come from an attorney or someone else. Basically to remove myself as much as possible from that process. This is how I intend to proceed.

In a conversation with W 10 days ago, she brought up D when she got mad that I was texting a woman friend of mine, I reiterated to W that I did not want D and that I would not help her leave our M and our family.

I am fearful that she has been waiting on bringing up more D talk until after the holidays. Well, it's after the holidays, so my fear that she will bring it up again is increasing.

I think that if she does make contact to address status of R/M and D, that she will say that she is ready to proceed and that she doesn't see any hope for M. She will, most likely, ask me to go to court and file with her and to pay cost of filing. My response will again be that I do not want D and that I do not plan on assisting her in leaving M.

Where I get stuck in this now hypothetical conversation is where she responds to that by asking me why I won't help move the process forward when she is telling me that there is no hope. She will most likely ask me if I just plan on waiting forever for something that isn't going to happen, i.e., reconciliation. I don't really know how to respond to that and I'd like to be prepared.

Do I simply respond that I disagree with her position that there is no hope? It seems that if I do that, I am not validating her feelings. It also seems to me that that is putting myself out as being unrealistic, almost disrespecting myself... like I'm so desperate to have her back that I will hang on the last remaining thread of M, that being the legal contract. That is not how I feel about what I am doing, but how I think she may perceive it. My feeling is that the more time I buy, the more likely it is that EA will burn out and she will come to her senses about everything that she is giving up in M.

Her response could even be worse if she were to tell me that her R with OM has progressed and that she wants to move forward with that. As it stands right now, I do not know what the status of that R is. I have stayed away from that conversation. I really do not want to know and have to admit that I am really fearful of hearing these words from W. I also need to be prepared for a response to this so that I am not defensive or angry if she says it.

I know that I am jumping ahead here, but I could really use some help fashioning a reply to this conversation so that I am prepared.

thanks
Denver