Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

"Empathy bypass", LOL. I'm going to remember that one!

I think my H chose OW for 2 major reasons as it relates to his career, etc. Like I said, she does what he does for a living, but she has only 4 years experience while he has 21. They can commiserate about the state testing garbage and stuff that affects me indirectly but them directly, and they even have the same students, but he's got 16 years of teaching wisdom on her. I know that she really looks up to him for that. So he gets power to fight his insecurity there.

On the other hand, he also professed how great it was to me that she has a whole independent PUBLIC life from him as a performer--she is a former state beauty queen whose talent was singing. (it took her 3 years to win and let's just say the state beauty queens from my state are NOT a whole lot to look at, but I digress...) Anyway she is one of those local theater people--big fish, small pond, who gets to star in practically every musical or play that goes on in this theater company. When my book came out, I was offered a tv interview on a local news show. I declined. That sort of self-promotion is just "not me." He threw this back in my face when he "chose her" because he said "she would never have declined something like that. She's 'comfortable' with who she is and you're too scared to be 'out there.'"

Bottom line, he wants to hitch himself to women with goals and activities because he has none. My goals and accomplishments were under the radar. I wasn't someone who'd walk into a party and "carry" the conversation with my set of admirers. She is that very type. He claimed that it took too long for people to get to know me because I'm shy and bookish, but with her, people "just love her instantly" and she always has a crowd of admirers.

Guess what? This keeps the focus off him. He believes that his happiness comes from being attached at the hip to the right woman. When my professional life became more research oriented, I became less public in some ways, or derived enjoyment in quiet ways. So he dropped me for someone whose accomplishments are much more public. He said he couldn't believe a woman like her would be interested in someone like him, that he didn't "deserve" her.

It all goes back to the fact that they try their hardest to come up with every reason under the sun to blame everything external for their own problems.