oh what a bad few days, i think H is having an EA which i wouldnt be surprised about afetr everything that has been going on. There is this OW that he talks too at least 3-4 times a week ive nticed on various mediums i.e. mobile, FB, SKYPE etc he tells me he doesnt even realy like her but i say to him why do you talk to her so often then if you dont like her? they used to work together but she has now left but they still keep in regular contact and to me are trying to be sneaky about it. OW has sent him sexy/flirty text messages one even stated what she wanted to do to him sexually but they said it was just a joke and that the whole team were sending them to each as a joke, the thing is i dont think she was joking, i'm not sure if anything has happened between them but i know that there has been oppourtunities in the past.
Last night i looked through his FB and there were messages they had been sending to each other saying when to meet up on SKYPE (which was at times when i'm not around) i confronted my H about this and we ended up having an arguement as he doesnt want to stop talking to her but would if i told him not too. The thing is i dont want to tell him not to talk to OW anymore as i am not comfortable with their R as if he didnt stop talking to OW and i find out in a couple months i would go ape, so i told him just to do whatever he wanted and i'll do the same.
Would have liked to of handled this better but i was so upset (still am)with everything that is going on i really dont know how much more i can take :0(
for my pma, gal, detatching etc.... this song came to mind; At first i was afraid I was petrified Kept thinking i could never live Without yu by my side But now i've spent so many nights Thinking how you done me wrong And i grew STRONG I learned how to carry on So now your back From that other place (ow/om) I just came in to find you here With that sad look upon your face (gal) I'm glad i never changed that lock I'm glad you never left your key Never doubted for one second You would come home to me
I know i changed some of the lyrics, but hearing this song just sort of helped and shows some of the principles of DBing like how you feel in the beginning and how you grow strong getting on with your life :0)
havent posted in a while, havent been feeling myself i have found my mood dropping spiralling, i feel guilty for being even remotely happy??? H seems to be trying but the way i feel right now i know i'm dragging him down, he and D have been ill but all i felt was resentment towards him for having to look after him when i have such mixed feelings for him
I am trying to figure out what to do at times i feel like i am a soon to be WAS i'm hoping to have closure soon, i still try to GAL and PMA but lately i cant sleep with having so much on my mind, so much things i'm trying to sort out in my life, but in trying to be positive i cant wait for the 31st so that i can put this year behind me :0)why do i never learn over and over again i do the same things even when i know not too old habits die hard but i am determined for them to die!!!
i've also realised that i have no true memory of being a happy person in a happy place, my earliest memory is being 5 yrs old, so i know its time for a change i havent felt true happiness in so so sooo many years that i think i now dont really know hw to be happy anymore and just look for misery, gd bless my H he has been on my rollercoaster such a long time but i now think it is time we BOTH got off, i wont to feel happy and secure with myself for once in my adult life :0)
last night i discused with H that as he has to work so erly in the morning on new years day that it might be best for him to stop at the farmhouse where other collleagues live, i asked him who was living there no as they change often but i did ask him to be honest about who lives there, my H was upset that i asked him to be honest about who is living there he said that he has no reason to lie his married now newly and his colleagues know he is married and why cant i trust my H. i said to him i just want to know what females would be there if any, he then told me who was living there but told me he felt upset, to be honest i wish i hadnt gone there, in my head i coild see the flashng lights but i just cant help myself, i know i'm not in a good place at the moment and so am all over the place but again i now realise this is the negaties he sees in me hence the earlier EA & PA
i have recently been doing some 180's and he has really noticed the difference but i still let this negative me back out and to be honest i dont like who i have become and i want to change me i need to change me
DBing is hard, had so much hope for this year, one day in and i'm rocky mountain already.
H stayed at a friends the other night, has been unwell but seemed okay, when he gets home i so loged to see him wanted to jump right into his arms and hear how he missed me as much but alas just a dream, when he got home he greeted our D gave me a quick hug and then went straight online, i'm sure he's having an EA he lives online, its NYE i have baked and prepared some snacks, he was so busy online the new year came and went once i'd realised i said happy new year pured us all a drink and went to give him a toast, he just says 'oh yeah yeah happy new year, put my drink down i'll have it later' and continues 'chatting' online :0( my heart feels like it is harding which for me is worse then breaking as once i dont care anymore theres no going back.
H finished early today as its th first day of 2011 (woop woop :0)) again ive missed him so hope w can spent the evening together as a family, watch a dvd i got and spend some quality time together, again just a dream, H gets in i'm upstairs with our D2, he shouts up hello, i shout it back, i go downstairs 5 min later to find he stil has his jacket on but is online already!!! WTF!!! i'm so mad i just go straight into the kitchen, he couldnt even take his jacket off first! he says he got the shopping asked for, i'm just really short with him i know i should be DB but i cant muster te strength im too angry but usualy i would blow up at him and complain whereas at least i am biting my tongue, he pretends to fall asleep whilst online (i know he is pretending as he 2 sconds ago changes the tv channel) so as he is sleeping i go upstairs to lie down with our D as i too am not wll (caught their flu) H comes up about 30 min later complaining as to why did i leave him downstairs i cant help it im angry so i have a dig (i know naughty me) i say to him "well you were online doing 'whatever' so i left you there to keep doing it" he comes and lies down with us D is between us so i am happy.
Whn i wake up or should i say get woken up by D i get us something to eat and prepare a plate for H who again does not eat it (i dont know maybe he things i'm trying to poison him, i'm not just for the record) again i feel mad so have dinner when he asks to lie down with him (he is still in bed from early i brought dinner to him) i tell him i cant i have things to do and promptly leave the room, i was telling a half truth i have to get hs uniform ready for tomorrow as he has to leave earlt for work and i want to get the dishes done.
i don't know why but i feel so angry with H, when he is not here i seem to feel happier, it just seems he annoys me when he is around but yet i miss him like crazy when hes not here?? he works long hours and i'm beginning to feel very lonely, i will try and GAL aand have a PMA
today i dont know whats up anymore, i get him up for work he has 5 mins bfore he has to go to work so he goes online, again wtf??? thre is defo an EA going on, he usually calls on his way to work but today nothing until just now asking me to snd him details of a receipe, i send it and 2 hrs later not even a thank you, but then i didnt look for the receipe for him to get a thank you i lookd for it because he needed me too.
I have decided to try and see thngs in a positive way in everything (it is so hard though, just like DBing) i am now guessing instead of a EA drawing him consantly online i am guessing he has been constantly online to find a receipe, tonight i pan to be asleep instead of waiting up for him to come home as i usually do.
H came home in a playful mood, prepared him some food while he showered anthen i went to bed. He was all over me has been a few weeks so was up for it, but lets just say it was me he was ML to didnt care how i felt or if i was hurt just wanted his way, i was crying halfway through and even that didnt stop him or question how i am feeling (i think the tears say it all), after he had finished i slept (for want of a better word)downstairs, H came down and told just to get to bed, i told him theres no way i am sleeping next to him right now, i also said if i only thought you were seeing someone else before i definatetly know you are now, it did not feel nice at all it was like you were ML to someone else and you got caught u in your fantasy of that person and didnt care that i am in front of you and that it should be me you were ML too, i reminded him how he has done this once in the past and then i found out about him cheating on me and how i now feel the exact same way, he just said he's not talking to me here and will only talk if i go back to bed, i didnt go i couldnt go.
I dont want ot use the r.a.p.e word but i DID NOT enjoy last night in any way.
This morning i am extremely tired, i have to wake up very early (before the birds even :0)) to get ready for work needless to say i hardly slept, i have so many emotions and thoughts running through me right now i dont even know were to begin, i so need to heal myself before i can even look at this so called M, nice way to start the year
SO far have been acting As If it didnt happen, it feels like an elephant in the room.
Dropped D2 off, went to work as normal, sent H a txt asking if he was up for work yet, he txt back yes but there is lots of traffic, i sent a txt back saying there has been an accident but didnt think it would affect him, an hour later he txt me back saying "oh sorry about last night", i asked what was last night about?, he txt "i dont know you tell me" i replied 'well then what are you sorry for if you dont know? last night you were not ML to me you were in some fantasy and didnt care about me at all, now i know you are seeing someone else as you have your dont care attitude back on' he has replied but i am not looking at it, right now i do not care about what he has to say i'm just trying to stay positive, but it is hard trying to find a positive in this, the positive i am hanging onto is at least he touched me again if there is OW he could have gone straight to her. am i mad?!?!?!? PMA, PMA, PMA!!
i feel a mess, can hardly concentrate at work, can hardly eat, my hands are shaking and i just want to curl up into a ball and hide away.
I looked at H message it said 'if you didnt want to you should have said', the thing is i did say i replied about the 4 times i told him i am not comfotable with what is going on but you didnt stop. In the end i have caved i txt him saying 'look you have sent an apology so lets just forget about it i cant deal with this anymore', i snt that but dont feel any better for sending it, tonight is gonna be awkward. H hasnt replied, i got a call from his phone but when i answered no one would speak so i hung up, i dont know if his phone rang by accident (which hasnt happened in the 4 years he has had it) or if he thought he was ringing someone else.
To be honest i dont know what to think anymore i feel a mess but i am but a face on it. I'm already imagining what bed time is going to be like, he is the type of person to shift the blame so i imagine the next couple of weeks are going to be icy and cold towards me for even saying or merely suggesting anything, i wish i hadnt said anything and just pretending everything was fine even if i am hurting, replaying him holding me down whilst i'm crying, i feel so crap right now :0(
