LRT and Christmas

[barbsing1]

Thank you all for checking in and giving me your input. Sandi - H returned with no changed heart on his end. But I didn't expect that anyway so felt no disappointment. H said he was exhausted and going up to sleep in the guest bedroom - said he would start moving his clothing little by little tomorrow night and would spend the first night at his rented room tomorrow night. I asked if he had thought about finances, how to tell the kids, visitation, etc. He said he really hadn't. I said there was no better time than the present - we needed to have a united front for the sake of the kids and be at least verbally on the same page. We worked out what we felt was best to tell the kids and plan on doing so tomorrow afternoon. Makes me sick that my babies have to go through this - but perhaps they will take the news better than I think. We plan to say that mommy and daddy are having problems and need to take a break from one another - that daddy would be living elsewhere for awhile. We will tell them we love them, that this has nothing to do with them, that they are safe and will always have mommy and daddy in their lives. He did tell me that he didn't want to tell them he would never be moving back. he said that one of two scenarios will emerge - that either he will decide to come back for good or we will have to divorce. He only wants to tell the kids he is not coming back if we divorce (duh!) H still feels like he is in the driver's seat. And while I would like to have a future marriage with him ( I acknowledge this present form of our marriage is over) I can't say how my feelings might change after he has been gone for awhile.

We then talked about visitation - I am seeing a child psychologist this Wednesday - this person consults with the lawyer I will retain (if necessary) and supposedly will be able to give me insight into the best visitation schedule for all involved, but favoring my future with the kids, of course. H knows about this appointment but doesn't know all of the specifics. H did not want to wait until I spoke with the psychologist and wants to tell the kids tomorrow but said he felt comfortable with me coming back to him and changing the visitation schedule we discussed. He wants to come every weekend, alternating coming on Friday one weekend and then on Saturday the next. He will stay here with the kids and I will leave the home. I do have places I can go and stay, but this may be problematic for me as I'm not sure I can or want to be gone every weekend. I need to figure out what is best for me but it's confusing because I want to be tactical in case we do divorce but also solution oriented in terms of DB-ing. He will also come two nights a week (I chose the days and he was fine with them - I have meetings and groups to attend those two days). He also wanted to be able to say goodnight to the kids every night via skype. I told him I would do what was best for the kids but wasn't sure I was comfortable with this. He also said I could stay in the house on the nights he spends here if I was comfortable - I told him this was a separation and so I was not really comfortable with that. He also mentioned something about not wanting to resent me being able to take off and do whatever I wanted during the weekends. He said when he first moved back last September, he felt resent because I would "take off" and leave him with the kids - said he felt like he was babysitting his own kids. I asked him "Do you want to see your kids as often as possible or not?". He said he did. I then said he should take me out of the equation and just focus on what was best for the kids.

He said he plans on doing his laundry here on the nights he comes - I can't complain about that because he also plans on paying the electric/gas bill at this point. He said he would continue to pay for all of the bills he has always been responsible for, which was a relief for me to hear.

So advice on his request for seeing the kids every weekend??? This arrangement seems to give him a bit more access to the house and a life of comfort (he also asked if I cared if he ate whatever food was in the house when he was here - I told him he could eat whatever he wanted). Not sure he will really see what it is like to live without the kids - he will see what it is like without me, certainly - but that's about it. I want my kids to see their dad - I don't want to keep them from him but yet I want him to feel the full effect of his choices. Thoughts?? Suggestions??

So there it is, folks. H is leaving. At this moment, I don't feel afraid. I'm sad - but also relieved in a way because I was getting tired of trying to keep him happy and orchestrate everything in order to save our marriage. I also was getting tired of the constant disrespect, misplaced anger/projection on his part and of the constant rejection.

I appreciate all of you sticking around and listening to how this story is unfolding.