Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[Denver_2010]

Don't mean to hijack SIC's thread, but I am wondering if Sandi, Trugritter, Bond, and/or Sad But Happy would mind taking a look at my thread? You all seem to give really good advice and support... both of which I could really use right now. The thread is "Need advice and support to keep hope" Thanks.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2115113#Post2115113

[Denver_2010]

Don't mean to hijack SIC's thread, but I am wondering if Sandi, Trugritter, Bond, and/or Sad But Happy would mind taking a look at my thread? You all seem to give really good advice and support... both of which I could really use right now. The thread is "Need advice and support to keep hope" Thanks.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2115113#Post2115113

[ScaredinCanada]

So I obviously shouldn't have talked to my MIL. I got a phone call from my W asking questions about "what did you talk to my M about?" that didn't really go well.

Also tonight we got talking about the R which she brought up, and I was most reassuring and validating until she hits an emotional nerve.

She was wrapping gifts for Christmas and I was bathing the kids. I came into the room and she was holding a roll of paper and I said "What are you going to do with it?" to which she said "Nothing" and I just said "That's not what I was expecting", and her reply was "Well I hope you weren't expected a hug or ILY as you'll be waiting a very long time" - whcih just floored me! She followed with "I was only joking" and then a "Sorry I'm not trying to hurt you"???!!!

After I got over it a bit she told me again that is both dreading and looking forward to my brothers wedding, because it's "The last time I EVER have to see your M." I reassured her a bit, but told her I didn't it made any sense to talk like that at this point. She went on to say that if she wasn't working on the day my parents are having dinner she "wouldn't permit me to take the kids to my parents house"

She said going forward her and the kids will not goto any family functions where my mother will be...she said I can agree to this or "We can get a divorce!"

This is honestly the first time since the B that she's said the D word.

She basically telling me that she isn't going have anything to do with my M, so that I essentially have a choice to make.

Now I understand her position, but I do feel like the issues are finally being dealt with between myself and my M.

Do I add presure on my M to apologise to my W and try to make amends??

I don't really know what to do.

Surprisingly I actually feel better after having this discussion because I feel like my W actually opened up more and talked to me, which felt good.

[Denver_2010]

Hi SIC. I had a similar conversation with my W tonight where it was mostly negative in the way that it sounded, but where I was somewhat encouraged bc she opened up.

Anyway, my advice to you regarding the issue bw your miom and W is to just go along with what your W wants right now. Buy more time. If and when you can get W to work on M, and get M on more solid footing, then you can address your W's anger towards your mom. I kind of doubt that, in the state that she is in, W is going to be open to an apology from your mom right now anyway.

[ScaredinCanada]

Hope everyone had a decent Christmas.

I took the kids to the show to see "Tangled" the weekend before Christmas (it's a solid movie) and the girls really loved it.

On Christmas Eve the W took the kids to church with a family that has a D that is really good friends with my oldest D. When they got home I helped put the kids to bed and then headed to my brothers house (by myself) as he was entertaining.

I mostly enjoyed myself, but even though I had decided to have a "dry" Christmas everyone kept offer me a drink. I stuck with it and just drank water. The strange part was that my W's side of the family is just not included. My brothers IL's were there, along with my other brothers soon to be IL's as well as my brothers W's sister and HER IL's?!?! That seemed strange to me. A few people asked about my W, and just said she stayed home with the kids.

Mine was ok, as I really enjoyed the morning with the kids and the W on Christmas morning. Shortly after that I had some bad emotional set-backs as I was envisioning this as our last Christmas as a family. I was a little bit snappy with the W, asking her if she felt anything at such a special time (between us). She basically just said she felt bad that she didn't really buy me anything (she got me 2 shirts) and I got her a bunch of small thoughful gifts. I told her that was fine, that I washappy with what I got, but I wanted to know if she felt ANYTHING with regards to us. She basically just rolled her eyes and said "not today, can we just get through it and not make such a big deal".

So I decieded to go off and get dressed as the W's family was coming over. I never have a bath, so I decided too. I also picked up DR and started reading while I was in the tub. I guess I ended up falling asleep in the tub, because once I finally got out I'd been in there for about 2 hours! I managed to read 45 pages of DR, and I felt pretty good after my nap in the bath.

We had an amazing time with the W's family, a great dinner, music and dancing and playing board games. Everyone was drinking, except for a few designated drivers and myself. My W's cousin came up to me (she was drunk) near the end of the night and basically told me she could tell there was some friction between me and the W. I was kinda surprised, because I didn't think there had been any. She told me she believes we are both great people and she really hopes that whatever we are going through we can work it out.

Once every left and we cleaned up, my W was as drunk as I've seen her in a long time. So as we went to bed I started to come onto her. She was interested as first, but once foreplay began she gave into the urge (we hadn't been physical in almost 2 months). Now I'm not saying we ML, as I tried to kiss her but she turned away. Of course in the end I really just felt guilty about it. The next day - and since she hasn't said a word - it's like it never happened.

Boxing Day (day after Christmas in Canada) my W had to work, and my parents were having dinner at their place. My W didn't like the fact that I was taking the kids, and I know this is going to become a HUGE issue in the coming months. I left to goto my parents at the same time my W left for work, just to avoid leaving her alone in the house.

The kids had an awesome time and I could tell my M and F were really happy to see my girls. We visited a bit with my grand-parents and my brothers and their W's and my niece. The girls got a number of gifts. Dinner was fantastic as always.

At one point in the night, I got a few minutes alone with my M and my youngest D. I tried to explain to my M how tough it was for my W for the kids to come and see them. I told her again that no matter what this sitch between my M and my W needs to be put to bed. I told my M that eventually I'm going to have to choose between my family and MY family. My M just said that we be horrible. I'm sure she somewhat expected it. I told her that I would have trouble bringing the girls over if my W was going to be home alone.

My M still asked about have my 2 older D's over for a sleep-over, which I just told her I didn't know if that would be possible. She wanted to take my D out for her birthday (which is coming up in January).

Monday I was still not really feeling good and my W had plans to take the girls out to the show. It was partly emotional and partly physical, so I went to for a nap. I ended up sleeping almost 6 hours.

When I got up we had dinner, and my W reminded me that she had plans to goto a Christmas party with some girls from work. Of course we argued about it a bit, because she never goes out and I was somewhat concerned that she might stray or may already be straying. She was angry and pulled out the invitation and told me it was "girls only". I told her I was fine with it, which I really was, because I believed her.

I let her sleep in on Tuesday since she was out late on Monday night, she got up and went shopping in the morning with D2 and as soon as she got back I went out to my BF's place to play cards. When I got home the W left immediately for work.

I went to 3 events over the holidays, and I had a total of 2 beers. I also avoided having seconds and only had desert on 1 of the nights. I got through the holidays and I am maintaining a weight of 185 pounds - which feels really good. I'm still sick - been 2 weeks today that I've had major chest and sinus congestion with a couple fevers sprinkled in.

2 days to go until my little brothers wedding, and the last time my W will ever see my M (her words). I'm trying to right a speech, but I'm struggling because I want it to be meaningful, but I don't want to cry.

I have a couple questions for everyone/anyone:

1) Should I still try and make New Years resoltions?
2) Of all of the people that have a WAS, what percentage are successfully in bettering themselves and repairing their M?

My gut tells me it's very low. I also feel like my W uses the "lots of people get divorced" as further validation of her feelings.

The wedding will be the last big test for sometime, and I really just want to get it over with so my W can also get into IC or we can both get into MC.

[ScaredinCanada]

So the wedding was very difficult.

When we got to the hotel the rehearsal was in the evening on Thursday and my W was originally just going to stay in the room. So we went and had some time to kill, so I asked her if she wanted to stop by my brothers room or goto the bar. She picked the bar since she worried that my parents might be at my brothers room.

On our way to the bar we were walking down these winding stairs down to a lobby and who do we run into - my parents!

They walked up to us and said "Hi" gave us both hugs and asked us where we were headed. We told them we were going to the bar for a drink and she decieded to join us. I could tell my W wasn't really happy with, but it went quick as we only had time for 1 drink each. My F picked up the tab which was nice.

We ran through the wedding 3 times and things went pretty well. It took about 1.5 hours and then we headed to the bar with everyone to have some appetizers and some drinks. My brother and his fiance gave out gifts to the wedding party which was nice, and my W sat talking with my SIL so it seemeded like she was enjoying herself.

we were both sick so we left the party a bit early to try and get some extra rest. My W had to get up at 8am for hair and makeup, she woke me up and asked me what time I had to meet my brother the rest of the guys, I told her 11am and that I was going back to sleep. She actually gave me a hug and told me to have fun and she'd see later.

She actually came back around 10am and woke me up. Her hair and make up looked really good. She told me that she didn't know what she was going to do until the wedding (which was at 3pm) since I would be with guys getting ready and she didn't want to hang out with the girls because my M would be there too. Turns out she went into town and looked around and grabbed lunch - by herself.

The wedding was beautiful, my SIL to be looked amazing and her dress was stunning. My W also looked unbelievable in her dress.

After the ceremony we went for pictures, which was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed it. Once pictures were done I found my W waiting around, and she complained that my M had not even spoken to her or acknowledge her.

We went for cocktails at 5pm, and we just talked with some of the people attending the wedding and had some appetizers.

The reception moved along really slow, and there were only 3 course for the meal - for once I didn't feel like there was too much food at a wedding! My W complained that she was still hungry. There was also an issue with the heating and everyone at the tables around us were complaining about how cold it was - including my W, so I put my tux jacket around her.

The speeches were nice (I didn't do one), and they cut the cake and had the first dance. They then said that all the couple had to come up for the next dance. My W actually got up and came to dance with me - it was probably the highlight of my entire day, it just felt so good to hold her and dance with her but we didn't kiss.

Shortly after that my W said she really wasn't feeling good so she wanted to go back to the room to lie down for a bit. She asked me to walk her back - which I did. It was around 9:15pm, and I asked her if she could make sure to come back before midnight for the New Years celebration, as I really wanted to spend it with my W. She promised me she back down by 11:30pm. 11:30pm came and went and I was just watching for her to walk through the door but soon people were drinking champaine and yelling happy New Year. I was a mess, just devasted that she just sleep through. So I decided it would be best to go check on her and make sure she was ok. I get back to the room and SHE'S NOT THERE!! So now I am panicing, thinking she's literally left me here and gone home (over an hour drive home).

I go back to the reception to see if somehow we've just missed each other. She's not there, so I head back to the room and she's in the room! So I immediately asked her were she was because she said she was going to be sleeping.

She had decieded that she wanted to go and see her M on New Years, so she drove all the way home without telling me and said that she had planned to be back in time to celebrate New Years with me. I told her she was lieing, that she had fully intended to drive back home and she didn't care if she came back to be with me for New Years. She said she honestly believed "That you wouldn't care if I was there." I course that just made me angry, I told her that all I wanted was to spend it with her, and that I couldn't believe that she didn't care enough to tell me so I wouldn't be waiting around for her.

The craziest part of the night was shortly after New Years one of my SIL's friends was hitting on me like crazy. Telling me "it's your brothers wedding and New Years, you don't want to be sad you want to remember this night for your entire life" and she tried to kiss me on the lips. I just turned to the side and hugged her and said Happy New Year.

So back to my W, she says to me "well we go back down to the reception now and have a drink together". So we head down, and the bar is closed (it was about 1am), so I went and found my brother and told him everything was wonderful and I loved him and that we were going to bed.

That's what we did, but before we feel asleep my W told me that she still loves me and cares about me, which made me believe that we at least moving forward in a positive way. She wasn't drinking, so there was no reason to think it alcohol induced. So this morning, I said I was at least happy that she said she still loves me and that I hoped it was something we could build on. To which she responds "I just meant that I'll obviously always have love for you as the father of my children" again flooring me. That's not what she said to me. She then proceeded to tell me that she just "doesn't want to be with me" and she's not sure how that can be positive or how it's something we can possibly work on. I just told her I wished she wouldn't be so negative. Then she proceeded to complain that we didn't ML on our wedding night, and that we never EVER spend time just the 2 of us.

Needless to say I'm feeling really depressed right now, but I'm also really angry with my M. She is no longer treating my W without respect. She has it coming from me. I don't care what the consequences are...

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi SIC, sorry to hear you had such a tough time. Your post makes it seem like your W is all over the place. I really suggest you stop asking your W how she feels about you or your relationship. I know how hard that is but it's really important. First of all you will not get the answer you want right now. And second, it pushes her away.

What is the deal with your W and M? Dies your M really dislike your W?

[ScaredinCanada]

Yes, my M does not like my W - really never has.

She didn't like that she didn't want to goto college/university, she didn't like that she was a waitress or that her parents were divorced.

Over the last 10 years nothing has been really said, they mainly just ignore each other but every once in a while there will be "problem" but none of us has ever dealt with it.

I really didn't expect it to get dealt with at wedding, and I think my W knows the same.

Unfortunately when it comes to our R, I think I tend to read too much into either my W's word and actions because I want to see the best - I want to believe that she wants to work it out.

I'm really depressed right now, and I'm thinking that my sitch is only going to end in divorce. My W seems to think that divorce is a very reasonable approach and that as long the H and W are respectable that everyone will be happy. I think she's naive.

I have to get her to goto counselling at least.