I would like to share a different perspective on your situation.......a perspective that has been gained from my years spent at a big university and seeing the impact of that type of work on my personal life.
Originally Posted By: AntoniaB
That I had worked "very hard" for the success I had achieved, and that I found it disconcerting that he was so unsupportive of my career now that I had become a full-time professor.
This really reminded me of the attitude I presented to my partners for 30 years. I supported my first H through medical school and when that M ended (I D'ed him in my mid-20s because he was physically violent throughout the M) I was impoverished with no real family support. I was alone except for a supportive GF. I swore to myself that I would never NEED a man and that I would achieve the level of training that I needed to have a rewarding career and to support myself comfortably. It was very reminiscent of Scarlett O'Hara promising herself she would go home to Tara and would never be hungry again. After sacrificing my personal life for an academic career which I thought would bring me security I have learned that that was a false sense of security. You can work 24/7 in a career and still have the rug pulled out from under you by the political whims of those in positions of power or by an economic downturn. A career is not worth sacrificing your personal life for.
Being a tenured or tenure-track faculty member is one of those careers that few people can really understand I think. I know that my XH had absolutely NO idea of all of the sacrifices I made to finally get a tenure-track position at my local university. Very hard thing to do. There are very few of these positions available and the politics in these places are brutal, especially now that there is so much less money to go around.
What I am trying to say is that I think unless people are in academics, they (your H) can't REALLY understand everything that you're juggling. In my discipline there is a lot of gender bias too (very few women faculty), so I had to work harder than many of the men to remain competitive. All of this sucked time from my M and previous Rs with men. I justified MY neglect of my H and M by telling myself that the work I was doing (medical research) was important and contributing to society.......and it was in a small way. I had invested SO much of my life and made SO many sacrifices to achieve this goal that it was hard for me to consider throwing all of that away to leave that career.
I DO think that academics can seem to have an air of superiority about them and this may be part of what brought out your H's insecurities (an issue that HE needs to deal with). I also know that since I was supervising and directing so many people at work that at times I could be very direct with my H. It was an attitude that I needed for my work, but H was not used to being around women like that....and in truth I don't think that is a healthy way to interact with one's partner/spouse.
The reason I am laying all of this out to you is that this dynamic has happened to me more than once and I believe I am seeing a pattern in my life. I lived with a man for 8 years when I was in my 30s, and looking back I can see these dynamics at work then as well. My point in telling you this cautionary tale is that I hope you will also explore your role in the dynamic that has led you to this point. I don't want you to repeat this dynamic the way that I did.
Originally Posted By: beatrice
What I suspect happened with your h, and it certainly happened with mine because he told me himself [now he is less befogged he can recognise certain things] is that we weren't needy enough for them. We were actually too mentally OK, and so they found someone with real issues, issues probably bigger than their own.
Beatrice makes a very interesting point. I'm pretty sure this applies in my situation and may in yours as well............although one could argue that sacrificing your personal life for work (unbalanced life) is a sign of mental health issues too. These are all things to consider and are part of the work we need to do to pave better futures for ourselves. Please keep looking inside yourself to learn the lessons that this situation has to teach you.
