Nice to hear from you Matilda. Happy New Year to you also.
I'm paying attention to ways where I privately "throw my W out of my heart", when I'm annoyed by her. In the past I would stay annoyed and keep a distance too long. I've figured-out that this human pattern of avoiding discomfort has been getting me into trouble in my M, because I'm allowing her behavior to have too much control over my attitude and emotions. I've been thinking that maybe this is partially why I keep a distance from my W. I'm too influenced by her poor habits. This is selfish, unskilled, and reactive on my part.
I've been working on improving my attitude thru religious reading and practice in Tibetan Buddhism. These religious ideas make the most sense to me, and are the most helpful, so it only makes sense to continue practicing in this way.
I've been reminded in my reading that pleasure and avoidance of discomfort are not entitlements in life, they are an inherent part of it. I have to practice holding onto my own happiness even when my W is being blaming, critical, or disrespectful. I set limits as-needed, but the piece that has been missing is being able to return my mind to a state of happiness (peace of mind not contingent upon pleasure, material possessions, approval of others, or of other's opinions of me). This allows me to return to a positive connection with my W as quickly as possible, versus past patterns of brooding.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W and I had an enjoyable New Year's Eve. We spent it with the Salsa community at a gathering of about 40-50 people. These are acquaintances/friends we know well, and have known for six years. Our plan was to stay two hours and celebrate the New Year at home. We had such a wonderful time we stayed for four hours and brought in the New Year as part of a community. I made sure to seek out my W and gave her a hug. We both said that it was the most enjoyable New Years we had ever spent.
At home she kicked me out of the bedroom for eating what was left of the seafood salad. I get impulsive sometimes with food, and took a snack she was hoping to have. I'll work on holding onto a good attitude in spite of her anger with me. I'll go out in the morning and replace it for her.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I still read but don't post much, however your last post sent me scurrying to the keyboards as it sounded so familiar.
Originally Posted By: CL 07/27/10
She's also upset with me because I ate her carryout leftover. I thought we operated under a 24 hour rule (after 24 hours, it's mine). I guess she had her mind set on this entree. She was angry when it wasn't available. The 24 hour rule has now been replaced with asking permission each time.
Sorry for butting in like that, Concerned Listener. If you go back to the beginning of Lazo's thread, it might help you identify with him and help you in your stitch.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandy and Lanzo, Thanks for dropping by. I have let her bark intimidate, and paralyze me far too often. I'm working on changing this pattern.
My W and I went to a movie last night. It was a great movie about a stuttering king and his relationship with his speech therapist. Halfway home in the car, I asked my W if she wanted to go anywhere. She was upset because she wanted to go to a restaurant next to the theater. I told her she should have said something, as I didn't know. She said it was too late and said to go home.
At home, she complained incessantly about the missed opportunity of her desired restaurant. I've been working on not walking away and shutting down when she's disagreeable, and trying to influence her to be constructive. In this case I offered her an alternative restaurant. She finally conveyed that the night was still young, and she wanted to go out some more. I picked a restaurant we've had success at. We had a great time there discussing the movie. Under my influence, I was able to not let her spoil the evening, and moved us forward.
Our dance competition is in two weeks. I need to make sure I take responsibility for my own experience. I'm happy with the consistent practice we've had this past month. I'm not sure what to wear. I may call or email the instructor about this. I didn't purchase an expensive outfit for my first competition, as I'm trying to keep this affordable.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
It's been a while since I've posted, but I still check in now and again to keep myself on the right path....
anyway, as I was reading your thread a question struck me and I was wondering if you know the answer...
why doesn't your wife speak up or take initiative when things involve her?
I know what my answer to that was and I still struggle every now and again, but it's something I'm working on. So I'm not baiting or anything, honest. What is driving your wife's behavior..... the left-overs in the fridge she wanted, but didn't mention, the restraunt, and I'm sure there's more....they're all stemming from the same place.
I mean in my house if I spoke up and said "I'll take the leftovers for lunch tomorrow" I'd wake up and H would have taken them for his lunch because he didn't remember or didn't focus long enough to hear what I said. Before, I just stopped speaking up and took my chances so to speak.
Now, we have sharpies and sticky notes near the fridge, if the kids or I are claiming the leftovers for our lunches, we actually claim them with our name on them. Problem solved. no fights, no assumptions, no resentment, and H doesn't have to listen or remember- it's a win win.
So why doesn't your wife speak her wishes? and what can you do to help her begin to?
why doesn't your wife speak up or take initiative when things involve her?
So why doesn't your wife speak her wishes? and what can you do to help her begin to?
I believe she has made some improvement over the past year with this, but it still is a consistent pattern for her. I don't know what role I may have played with it in the past, though I believe it is her issue. I'm trying not to accept her blame for failure to speak-up. I do need to remind myself to be thoughtful of her, and not focus on only my needs. I also try to hang in there with her when she finally states her needs in a gruff way.
I think this plays into her job-hunting paralysis too. She needs to let others know she is looking for work, but she gets stuck in her feelings. She was sharing this with me yesterday. I told her that action was more important than being hopeful, as she said she felt hopeless. It was the most helpful thing I could think of to say.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
why doesn't your wife speak up or take initiative when things involve her?
So why doesn't your wife speak her wishes? and what can you do to help her begin to?
I believe she has made some improvement over the past year with this, but it still is a consistent pattern for her. I don't know what role I may have played with it in the past, though I believe it is her issue.
Morning CL, and happy new year. I guess that's the thing about patterns. What I've found, is that whenever I see a pattern in my H that I'm unhappy with, there's always, always a pattern I'm playing along with it, that is actually helping to sustain and reinforce his part of it.
Note here... when I say 'sustain it' I don't mean 'cause' it. I don't think either party 'causes' a pattern to happen. To assess it that way can induce blame, self-blame and guilt. Which of course defeats the creativity and mutual compassion we need to change the pattern in the first place. When two people live together for a long time I think they just happen.
Anyways, I'd suggest giving more serious thought to what you said - "I don't know what role I may have played with it in the past". In saying that, I want to stress again that I'm not saying you've caused this or are to blame. Just that we can change an awful lot in these patterns - even in other person's role in it, by changing our own behaviors in it first.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
