(((Mish))) if it is any consolation about New Year, I asked Lisa what she was doing and she said 'getting an early night like every year' which is what I would be doing if I was at home. New Year has such high expectations and is always frankly cr@p!
I feel like, since my life was turned upside down when exh left, I am not quite sure who 'me' is, I don't know how to live authentically because I made many decisions that had bad repercussions that I lost faith in my ability to make decisions.
I often feel anxious mostly, I find myself spiralling into anxiety and familiar feelings wash over me. It kind of spoke to me when I read your post that you seem to be doing the same thing - correct me if I am wrong!
I really feel like you need to take the focus off Gabe and back onto you. Have you ever tried CBT? If I was at home it would be something I would try. Instead I picked up a pretty good book with a CD. It was kind of a hypnosis thing all about confidence and it was really good. But mostly I have been working on relinquishing trying to control things and putting so much pressure on myself. Have faith in Gabe's intentions in the relationship. I know you feel confusion over this but I really think you need to work out exactly what you need from him. I think I asked you that before.
The fact that he is still there, he stayed there through the hard times with your Mum to me says a lot. What do you need to see or hear from him to feel secure?
Shall I give you an example of some of the questions I asked myself?
What do I need in my relationship?
*to feel cared for*
What would that look like? - To receive a hug or kiss hello - To receive reassuring hugs or looks in social situations. - To receive phone calls and/ or texts if we are apart. - for him to suggest spending time together. - to laugh together.
If those things happened I would no longer feel... - ignored - an imposition on his life - like everything/ veryone else is more important - that I have to exhaust myself trying to mind read and fix the situation. That was just my mind map but it highlighted a couple of really important things for me. Firstly, that I don't actually have that many demands and all of them are achievable and specific and a man would find them easy to do rather than a vague, you aren't paying me enough attention. Secondly, that I really needed to work on my self-confidence.
Anyway, I don't know if that is any help at all but I really hope it is. Turn the focus back on you Mishka, Gabe can look after himself and he will make his own decisions. You can only control your actions and your happiness.
