Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

GAG I thank you for the long post and the care you have shown in your words. It means a lot.

I didn't know you were a teacher; we have more in common than I knew!

I want to share with all of you something important.

Today my girlfriend and I were cleaning closets/drawers in my house. In the midst of this, I found a letter I had written to my H 9 years ago. NINE YEARS AGO. I had given it to him. The response was not here. I had left it when I went away to see my parents for a few days. Here is the gist:

I told him I had "had it" with his insecurities. That I was sick of him blaming his "general unhappiness about his life choices" on me. That I had worked "very hard" for the success I had achieved, and that I found it disconcerting that he was so unsupportive of my career now that I had become a full-time professor. That only since I moved from adjunct faculty to full-time faculty that I found him unsupportive and resentful of my work. I also said that I had told him that it might be a condition of my job that in order to become tenured, I would have to at least begin a PhD program, and that I found it horribly sad that when I mentioned this to him, that he reacted by saying he would "divorce me if I went back to grad school for a PhD."

People, look at this!!!

How did I forget this?

In addition, I said that I was "incredulous that ever since I was working full-time that he was suspecting that every man I worked with I was interested in sexually." I talked specifically about professors and students whom he had apparently said he was "worried about" that I "harbored feelings towards" and how this was just absurd, from my view.

Look, everyone, this was 9 years ago. This coincided with when I moved from part-time adjunct teacher working at 3 different schools to full-time professor. He was threatened. I talked at length in this letter about his mood swings. About how he clearly had issues from when he was a kid, and how he had shared these with me and how his counselor, who had told him he was "ok" with after 2 sessions, hadn't been privy to the huge summation of notes he shared with me about his "triggers" for depression and rage.

In addition, I talked about how this whole letter from me was set off with his comments about wanting to "hurt one of our cats" because she bothered him while he was eating. This was nearly 10 years ago.

I said "I can't take this anymore."

How on earth did I forget this???? I have evidence, everyone. I have evidence that his issues began 10 years ago at the least. I read this letter to my friend. I said "am I out of line?" She said "you are only defending yourself. It's not a mean letter."

I just feel shell-shocked about this. Maybe my H is beyond saving. Maybe I am better off and maybe I dodged a bullet.

I am 41. I can do a lot of things with the rest of my life.