Separated for 11 weeks (long)...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver,
I am glad you brought up the issue of seeing the spouse. I want nothing more in this world than to see my W right now. For weeks I would have cut off a finger just to be in the same room with her. But now, after all these weeks of separation, I find myself apprehensive about seeing her. I am scared that being in the same room with her will set me back mentally to where I was weeks ago (crying and unable to function). This is one hell of a "catch 22" I am in. In the past 64 days, I have seen my wife for 2 minutes. That was when she showed up, blazed through the house, took her mail and left while I stood there like an idiot. Frankly, I don't know what I would do now. I want to see her, but it has taken me weeks to recover from her last visit. This is so messed up. For 15 years, I would not like going more than a day with out seeing her. Now, I don't know if I want to see her because of the mental torture it will invoke. I feel for you buddy. I don't know if I would have had the strength to be in the same room with my wife at Christmas. At least you got through it with you head held high. If you broke down later behind closed doors, you had that right and that is no one's business but your own.

So, today is New Year's Eve. This will be my first one alone in 15 years. I too proposed to my wife at a restaurant on New Year's Eve. NYE has always been so special to us. I am scared of what it going to happen to me later tonight. My doctor gave me some meds to help me sleep. I am considering taking some around 10 pm and heading to bed. I can't feel bad if I am sleeping. When I wake up, the moment will have passed and I can move on.

I have been on vacation this entire week. My wife and I always take the week between the two holidays off to be together. I had already scheduled this before she bolted. This too has been hell. Two days ago, I came down with a nasty virus. Fever, chills, body aches, coughing, the whole nine yards. This has resulted in me having to spend the last two days in bed alone. Sometimes when things go bad, they really go bad. Somehow I continue to tell myself that this will make me a stronger person down the road. Yea, that is if it doesn't kill me first.

On a bit of a confused note, I am not sure how to feel about something that recently happened. My wife was always been very fit. She went to the gym regularly and watched what she ate. During the holidays, I had moments where I had private conversations with three different family members and friends who have all seen her in person in the past two weeks. I don't know if they were trying to make me feel better or if they were sincere, but they all, without provocation, delivered to me the same message. My wife has put on a tremendous amount of weight in the past couple of weeks. One of them stated that they ran into her in a public place and that she was dressed poorly, looked tired and as though she has put on about 10 - 15 pounds (The night she showed up for her mail, I thought she looked a bit different. But she was wearing a heavy coat and I just thought it was the coat that was making the difference). What was really odd it that the particular relative who pointed this out never talks about such things, ever. This is the first sign that I have gotten that maybe my wife isn't doing as well as she would like to me to believe. I am not happy about this or celebrating it in any way. But I truly thought she was out "living it up" since she walked out on me. Maybe that isn't the case after all. Am I a jerk for finding some solace in this? If so, I apologize in advance to all who read this.

Denver, Happy New Year, my friend! 2010 is almost over and good riddance. This year cannot be far enough in my rear view mirror. I wish you the very best in 2011. May it be much happier and healthier than the past couple of months. I hope you and I can find ourselves happily married again very soon. Take care of yourself and stay in touch.

Fellonblackdays